My Children’s Book

First, I wrote a guest post for Crissy’s blog.  This is not only a real honor for me, but also signals the decline of Crissy’s mental state.  Soon she will go completely nuts and ask Osama Bin Laden to guest blog for her.  So, hurry up and go there now and read my post!  Do it!!

Alright, it has taken me a really long time to finish my e-book.  That’s because I’m not really good at writing things that are work-friendly and/or kid-friendly.  But here it is.

Click on this picture to open the PDF file.  It was just too big to post as a series of pictures.  If you have a problem viewing it in your browser (Firefox and Adobe Acrobat don’t like each other too much), you will need to download it by right-clicking on the image and then saving it to view it.

I am a very bad judge of these things, but I think this is safe to open at work.  And it is a touching story that children will love and learn from.  So, share it with your kids.

That’s all I have to say about the e-book.

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Kids and Me

A lot of the blogs out there are mommy or daddy blogs. In fact, it’s safe to say that some of the best blogs out there are mommy or daddy blogs.

This is not a mommy or daddy blog. This is not even a kid-friendly or work-friendly blog. Viewing the shit on this blog can maybe get you fired and can traumatize your children. Reading my blog can get you killed in the Middle East.

I’m not sure why that is. I get along with kids well enough. That is, I get along very well with children once we are over that awkward getting-to-know-you phase, but I am really not great with the first impression or anything.

I have a handy example. This actually happened a while ago.

It was 6am on a fucking weekend. I was walking around a strange apartment in my underwear. It was my very first time there. And I came across a kid.

That’s all the set-up you get.

The kid did not say to me, “Who the fuck are you?”

He did not say to me, “What the hell are you doing in my apartment, fucker?”

Here is what happened.

It was damn early for me to be awake. I did not expect to run into any children when it was barely fucking light outside. Here is my actual response.

Now, this was not, as it turns out, the appropriate response. Maybe I was thinking that was funny, or maybe I was just brain dead.

The kid did not cry or anything. He did not start to wail. But he got a shocked look on his face. And I did the whole, “hey, I was just kidding. It was a joke, bad joke is all” thing.

But here’s the thing: for the life of me, I can’t come up with a better response even today, after I have had lots of coffee.

The truth seems so mundane. Was he really asking a question about grooming at 6am? Or was this just an icebreaker, an opening for a joke. Would this have gotten a laugh from the kid?

How about this? Would this have made him laugh?

Here is the very best I have been able to do as an alternative response.

Anyways, after some initial awkwardness, things get much better as a general rule. And, in fact, kids and I like many of the same things. Like video games and Spongebob Squarepants and cake and clowns. I love clowns. Even the scary clowns. And balloons. I like balloons. And I can do some magic tricks, too.

I understand kids and they understand me.

So, in honor of all the mommy and daddy bloggers out there, I have written a children’s book. It also demonstrates that I really do understand kids, even if I still can’t figure out what the right thing to say in this particular situation was. I am finishing it up right now and will post it within a few days. It will be kid-friendly and work-friendly. But I will probably post it on a weekend and then post some more nasty shit about assfucking and bukkake during the week. Because I like to fuck with you like that.

So stay tuned. My children’s book is coming soon.

In the meantime, if you can think of a better response to that kid’s question, post it in the comments.

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Kiala Comics

It would be nice if I posted something new, I know.  It’s coming.

Meanwhile, go check out the comic I did for Kiala’s website, Face of the Cookie.  Click here to go to the first installment.

Note that, to see the comic full-size, you will need to click on it.  Then, if your browser tries to make big things fit on one screen (like Firefox 3 and some versions of IE), you will need to click on the tiny picture to make it full size.

Go on.  It’s worth it.

And don’t forget to read the installments in order.

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Stand-Up Experiment

Yeah, yeah, I don’t post often enough.  Live with it, bitches.

The reason I haven’t posted lately is because I had a stand-up gig on Wednesday so I ran out of funny.  I had nothing left to post after that.  I was onstage for over 35 minutes.  That’s a long-assed time to be funny.  Just so you know, I will tell maybe six jokes a minute doing stand-up.  Do the fucking math: 35 minutes is like sixteen million jokes.

Really, I worked for days and then pulled an all-nighter getting ready for that set and then I was just too tired and feeling too unfunny to post

So, all I did for this post is pull together a couple of minutes of material from that gig, edited it a little, and put it into a comic.  I’m calling it an experiment because I don’t know how well it works.  But, fuck it.  I did it so now that’s my post.

That’s all I have to say about this comic.

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Mister Shorts Number 6

Yesterday was supposed to be the Porks of July, but there were no fireworks for me.  There was a light rain all night so a lot of rooftop parties moved indoors, which made getting drunk and watching things blow up to celebrate our independence more difficult.  Suckage.

Mister Shorts watched the fireworks from, like, Coney Island or somewhere.

I heart Mister Shorts.

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