Why No Whores, Craigslist?
Well, this is one of those obligatory posts. See, I’m working on a different post. A big post. Kind of like when I worked on Pierre the Zombie or Wikipedia Jones. And it took a while and I had to get my dick sucked a lot and I needed a little S&M and a lot of drugs.
So, I’m in that way again, and not totally sure that the drugs aren’t counterproductive, and thinking a little that maybe I should stop the drugs for a while. After I run out of my stash, maybe, I mean. Which might happen by January or so, unless I can find a bunch of coke-sniffing sluts to come over to the stoogepen and use up all my drugs.
Not that it’s all that hard to find coke-sluts, but I was looking on Craigslist the other day for, you know, wholesale whores in the pussy section and I discovered that they changed that whole section of Craigslist. There are no more ads for whores there.
When I say “whores,” I mean prostitutes, not sluts.
See, two weeks ago, Craigslist reached a settlement with the attorneys general of forty states that required them to get ID for any ads placed in the personals section. So now you need a phone number and a credit card to take out an ad in the fuck section of Craigslist. And Craigslist also sued people who set up ways to circumvent the system by assigning temporary phone numbers and credit card numbers for a fee. So, this is some serious shit.
No pussy for you. Not if Craigslist has anything to say about it.
Since Craigslist implemented these measures, fuck ads are down by 80%. And the po-po made a lot of arrests at the same time. Like in Massachusetts, they arrested eight people. And in North Carolina, they arrested another eight people. And a couple more in South Carolina. And in Florida, they arrested a whopping 35 people!
So, there is less fucking for money going on. Meaning that, in addition to the economic crisis the United States faces, it now also faces a pussy crisis.
As an aside — and this is a little bit of a tangent — if you have been following all the sordid details of the subprime mortgage crisis, you know that mortgage wholesalers were routinely offering pussy in exchange for mortgage sales. Yeah, you read that right: underwrite my mortgage and I will suck your dick. So, all I’m saying is that a lot fewer dicks are getting sucked all at the same time in this country.
Talk about a recession. This is the Great Pussy Depression of 2008-2009.
And my big question is this: what is wrong with getting a little fuck and suck for a few hundred bucks or, you know, the cost of a mortgage? What is so wrong about prostitution?
In an earlier post, I pointed out that, while prostitution is illegal, porno is not. Meaning that I can pay you to have sex with me and, as long as there is a fucking cameraman in the room with us, it’s perfectly legal. Now, how does that make sense to anyone? I am considering starting a company that pretty much charges dudes a few hundred bucks to film them fucking a prostitute porn star.
And don’t give me any shit about diseases or bad self-esteem or drugs. Before you give me that bullshit, do a little fucking research. You don’t know shit about prostitutes. Click here for a decent starting point. But I’ll tell you what in case you’re too lazy to do your own research: about half of prostitutes also do something else. Maybe they work at your carwash or mind your kids all day or serve you food at your local diner or make the peanut butter you eat. Fact is, that doesn’t pay enough so they can afford the subprime mortgage that someone else, unbeknownst to them, sucked a dick to get approved. So they suck some dicks and their kids get some food on the table.
Or maybe they just like fucking for money. What’s wrong with that? Wouldn’t it be nice if you liked your job?
We all have a price. You would suck my dick if I gave you enough money. Not that you don’t all want to suck my dick for free. I’m just being hypothetical here. So don’t start thinking, “Hmmm. How much can I get from stoogepie for sucking his dick?” when you know you would have done it for free five minutes ago.
My point is that everyone has a price. You do. Maybe you’re thinking it is millions of dollars, but you are just fooling yourself. I mean, if someone who was not Dick Cheney politely said, “You know, I would pay you $100,000 for a blowjob,” would you really say no? Probably not, and I only say “probably” because you might just have so much money that $100,000 doesn’t get your juices flowing. But you get the idea.
Now, admit to yourself that you would suck off pretty much anybody — even Dick Cheney — for a million bucks. Because otherwise you are a fucking idiot. Really. And it wouldn’t traumatize you or send your self-esteem plummeting or anything. You would be like, “so, do you have any friends with a million bucks who would also like to bust a nut in my mouth?”
And now ask yourself why it is not okay for someone to do the same shit for a hundred bucks. Maybe it’s their mortgage. Maybe it’s like a million bucks to them. Or maybe they just like sucking dick.
So, look, you can do something about the Great Pussy Depression of 2008-2009. You can support the legalization of prostitution. Or you can, you know, just suck a dick for a few bucks. And maybe help me use up my stash. It will stimulate the economy and it will also stimulate the good people of this country.
Think about it.
So, if you have been scared off of Craigslist and need a place to advertise your cunt or your mouth or your ass, feel free to leave a comment with prices and such. Or, you know, even if you’re not a pro, if you just want to let everybody know your price, that would be nice, too.
That’s all I have to say about pussy for money, at least for now.
Posted on Tuesday, November 18, 2008 at 01:24 PM.
Tags: Blogging, Comics, Suckage, Whores
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Comments & Trackbacks
Such things, sadly, are the way of them. Many technologies, at introduction, were sold and popularized by sexuality and eroticism. As they gained traction, more staid uses were found and eventually, the uses which gave them viability are run out of town, or this is at least attempted. In the good ole days between the introduction of the CD-ROM and the WWW, pornographic and erotic CD titles outsold all others by a 10:1 margin.
Craig’s List has seen its golden era rise and fall. Such is life.
Related, I like your attitude expressed regarding everyone having a price. Many years ago, when I was a working boy, bigger clients often liked to vet me, bringing management or board members in to meet me and ask questions. Often, these were stupid questions or they couldn’t understand the answers. For the look of the thing, amusement, and to put most at ease, I’d play in a friendly style. Usually, the more pompous would ask what I do. They thought it a simple question and I never failed to get wonderful reactions to my answer. For your benefit, I will first say I was a computer consultant specializing in capacity and security planning & implementation. They knew this before ever seeing me because it said as much on my resume’. Anyhoo, I would always answer by smiling slyly and saying I was a whore. In response to their expressions, I’d elaborate by saying, “it isn’t so much what I will or won’t do, rather it is a matter of how much you’ll pay to have it. However, I usually am paid to fix computer problems.” Good times.
One of the most important lessons I instilled into my offspring was to understand that most people will do anything for the right incentive. It is good to see that you also understand this notion.
Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh,
I would totally blow Cheney for a mortgage payment or two.
I’d just pretend he was you.
Or, er, my husband or something.
Do you have his number?
You picked a doozy! When he shoots off in someone’s face, it is with a shotgun, not a penis!
I do appreciate being kept in mind, particularly for that pleasure.
I bet his public number is easy to come by, though getting him to come to the phone will probably be difficult. Well… may be not as easy as I thought from searching this source: http://www.whitehouse.gov/vicepresident/
Craigslist has changed, man. I don’t even recognize it anymore.
P.S. Verification word: “married 48”
Now I’m thinking about my prices.
South Dakota might just have a new girl on the market.
I remember thinking around week 3 of unemployment that it is too bad I’m not about 2 decades younger and a metric fuckton cuter because I’d bet I could make big bucks makin’ booty calls to doctors here in town. (Big Hospital is about the only damn business in town).
“Oh Yes Dr. Killemkwik, I’ll take that big DICKtation you wanted me to take any time, cash only, thanks!”
couple of key points i pulled out from that linked page:
97% of call girls liked themselves ‘more than before.’
In 1973 the National Organization for Women passed a resolution supporting the decriminalization of prostitution.
interesting.
my BFF bren always says, “it’s only skin.”
Well that’s it. The world is going to fucking shit.
“so, do you have any friends with a million bucks who would also like to bust a nut in my mouth?”
If I had a million bucks for every time I’ve said that…
Yo Mark! You understand! We are all whores! Some of us, like me, just have bargain basement prices.
Hey Crissy! Mark provided Cheney’s website. But really, a couple of mortgage payments is nothing. You could find many, many takers for that. No need to go down to the Cheney level.
Hi Arjewtino! Yeah, Craigslist is starting to look more and more like eBay, and that sucks. No sex, no used panties, no murderabelia, no clean urine sales. WTF?
Hey K8! I think charging money up front is a foolproof dating strategy. And lucrative, too!
Yo MsDarkstar! Puh-lease! Doctors would line up to pay for you right now. You just need to hang out that shingle.
Hi Ken! Everybody carries a business opportunity in their undies. It is just skin, maybe with some lube and motion. And I think everyone feels better afterward.
Yo Chris! So right! The world would simply be a happier place if more dicks got sucked. I thought for a while that Craigslist understood.
Yo saratogajean! Me too!
So true - everybody has a price and if they say they don’t they’re in denial. Me? Pay for my school and a very generous wardrobe budget. Man that’d be nice.
I was having this very same thought process today except it sounded like this: marrying a rich man is a lot like being an escort. Maybe I could be an escort. If I were an escort I could eat fancy steaks ALL THE TIME. I love fancy steaks.
That was about it.
is “fancy steaks” your euphemism for “huge cocks?”
Dane is the only working in the family. I stay at home and wash his underwear.
This makes me a whore, I think, and I don’t really care.
I think you’re only a whore if you’ve made an explicit agreement with Dane to perform these services in exchange for his financial support. Otherwise, you are merely kept, which has been my status for much of adult life. My late wife, for some crazy reason, worked really hard to rise in the corporate world with the stated goal of earning enough for me to stay home and have fun. Of course, breaks from the fun included attending to most household chores. My girlfriend of several years is similar in outlook and keeps me very well. It is weird, because I never consciously set out with this goal in mind when seeking partners.
KK: Do you get to eat fancy steaks all the time? This is really what separates the escorts from the wives.
You should illustrate all the major issues in our country.
Looking forward to your comic about the economy!
your posting frequency sucks.
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