The Nude MILF Contest

It’s time for a contest, doncha think?

Welcome to the Stoogepie’s Nude MILF Contest.

First, what you win, all brand new and unopened in original packaging:

A Sony DSC-T300 Cyber-shot® 10-Megapixel Digital Camera - Silver—list price $499.99, according to J&R Music World.

A Sony LCS-THM/B Genuine Black Leather Case—list price $49.99, according to J&R Music World (where it is temporarily out of stock).

A Sandisk 4GB Memory Stick Pro Duo—list price $39.99, according to J&R Music World.

Total Retail Value: $589.97! Damn, this is a serious fucking contest!  And, really, this camera is sweet. Go read up on it at J&R Music World or wherever.  It is pretty goddamn fancy.

Bloggers: you can also host this contest to drive traffic to your site and maybe win something yourself! Read on to find out how.

The Backstory on the Prizes.

I work at a creative shop. I get freebies sometimes, and they come in two varieties. Sometimes it is shit from clients who love the fuck out of me. And sometimes it is shit from manufacturers who are not clients, but who want for me to convince my bosses to buy their pen tablet or their monitor or their 3D mouse.

Usually, I just give this shit to the unsung service people, like the secretaries and receptionists and cleaning ladies, who have to put up with my constant bitching and whining and temper tantrums and requests for blowjobs. I think they, in turn, sell it on ebay.

This time, I got a digital camera.

Now, lest you think that I have not got anything invested in this contest, I did shoplift pick up the case and memory stick on my own. Nobody gave those to me. To make this an exciting and full-featured contest, I wanted to have a package. So there you have it.

The Backstory on the Contest.

I don’t really want this camera. And I could probably have just given it to a receptionist to sell on ebay. But, a while back, on May 16, Crissy, on her hubby Ken’s Website, made the terrible mistake of saying that if she won the Hottest Mommy Blogger award in the 2008 Bloggers Choice Awards, she would pose naked on her blog.

I will do everything I can to make her live up to that promise.

Crissy may never speak to me again.  She has absolutely nothing to do with this contest and did not know about it.

But, seriously, check it out.  As I write this, Dooce is number two. That’s just wrong, peoples. (Well, actually, to take a Dooce means to take a number two, so maybe that’s right.)  I have nothing against Pioneer Woman, who is currently number one, and I’m sure her blog is just awesome but she is simply not as hot as Crissy.

Hence, you can have ridiculously good odds of winning nearly $600 worth of shit from me. And I don’t even care about the traffic, so you can pimp this contest on your own blog without even mentioning this website.

How to enter.

You may have already entered because, to enter, all you need to do is vote for Crissy as Hottest Mommy Blogger. It’s that simple.  You may need to register at Blogger’s Choice to vote, but you don’t give them any personal info besides your email address. Make sure you save your password when you register. (Just in case, Blogger’s Choice emails your password to you, so you can just save that email.)

After the voting closes for Hottest Mommy Blogger closes, on or about October 15, 2008, I will go to random.org and select a random number from the number of votes cast for Crissy, and then announce the winner. It will be up to you to contact me telling me you won. But please read on because, in order to verify that you actually won, you will need to send me your password at the Blogger’s Choice Awards.

I will repeat that: if you win and only if you win this contest, in order to verify that you actually won, you will need to send me your password at the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Listen, voting will be closed at that point and your Blogger’s Choice account will be useless until the following year. This is the only way I can verify that you are the winning entry. I could get 500 emails saying, “I am the person who cast vote number 107.” Before you send me your password, you can log on and change it (just in case you use the same password in a lot of accounts). After you send me your password, I will log in, verify that you are, indeed, the winner of the contest, log out, notify you immediately, and send you your prizes. You can log in as soon as I notify you and change your password again. Fuck, if you want, you can wait a few days and take a picture of yourself changing your password with your brand spanking new fucking camera. And your Blogger’s Choice account contains no personal information whatsoever. Even after I log in, you will need to send me your address so I can send you your goddamn camera.

Think about it. If, let’s say, a few hundred people enter this contest, your odds of winning almost $600 worth of gear are a couple of hundred to one.

How Other Bloggers Can Join In.

Like I said, I really don’t care about traffic or props for running this contest. I at least want for Crissy to make it to the first page, and I win if Crissy wins because then she has to pose nude on her website.

So, you can run this contest, too. On your website. Without even mentioning me or this website at all.

Just announce the contest and the rules on your site. You can act like you are running this contest, not me. You can call the contest any goddamn thing you like. The “I Hate Dooce Contest” sounds good to me. Or the “Fix The Blogger’s Choice Awards Contest.” Whatev.

Make sure you state the requirement that the winner will have to send her or his password for identity verification.

If you host the contest, you must let me know. Email me or use the contact form to let me know that you are hosting the contest. That way, I can send you the number that I choose and you can announce the winner at the same time I do. If the winner contacts you through your blog, the camera will be sent to the winner with a note thanking him or her for entering your contest on your blog. This website will never be mentioned.  As soon as the winner is identified, I will send all the blogs participating the name of that winner so we can all announce the winner.

Also, I will come up with a sweet prize for the winning blog. I don’t know what yet, but it will be good. I promise.

Here are product shots you can use on your blog.

Fine Print.

I am not eligible to win, and neither are Crissy and Ken. Bloggers who host the contest are eligible to win, although they will have to figure out a way to explain to their readers how they picked their own goddamn number in a contest they hosted. Everyone else on the goddamn planet is eligible to win. I don’t care if everyone in your family enters eight times.

Also, if Crissy or Ken hosts the contest, each can win whatever sweet prize I come up with for the winning blog.

The contest will go on until voting closes at the Blogger’s Choice Awards.  It is supposed to close on October 15th, 2008, but I have no fucking control over that.  So, if they don’t close voting until December 15th, the contest will end then.

The winner will have one week to contact me or any other blog she or he entered through. After that, that winner is disqualified. I will choose a new winner and the process will start all over again. In addition, if the winner refuses to provide a password to his or her Blogger’s Choice account, he or she is disqualified. A new winner will be chosen and the process will start all over again. But someone is going to win this fucking camera.

Void where prohibited by law, yadda yadda yadda. If winning a camera is against the law where you are, you better tell me because how the fuck would I know? But you know what? Take a stand, damnit! That’s an unjust law! By entering this contest in spite of that unjust law, you can be the Rosa Parks of camera contests! Do it! Vote!

Is it obvious that Sony, Sandisk, J&R Music World, and anybody else respectable has nothing to do with this contest? Really, this is stoogepie’s Nude MILF Contest.  Nobody else is to blame.

If I have forgotten anything, let me know. This is my first contest so maybe there is some important shit I forgot to mention here. If some bizarre shit happens that I have not accounted for here—like two people somehow provide me with the winning password—my decision is final. Period.

That’s all I have to say about the Nude MILF Contest, except that your prizes may have a little bit of cat hair and cake and splooge on them after a month in the stoogepen. But they are sealed in boxes, so live with it, you fucking whiney goddamn bitches.  Maybe I’ll throw them in baggies right now.