The Evolution of Porn

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So, I was watching porn and eating cake the other day when it occurred to me just how immorally advanced porn has become. First I watched a little of Dirt Pipe Milkshakes #2. But I felt like I was missing something. See, I hadn’t seen the original Dirt Pipe Milkshakes so I thought, hey, maybe I should watch that one first because maybe then I will get a better understanding of these characters’ motivations. Like, what exactly inspires them to get together and fuck? Why do the dudes always cum in the women’s asses? And what, exactly, inspires the women or a girlfriend to suck the cum out of that ass and drink it, thus inspiring the title?

So, second, I watched Fuck Slaves. Actually, I had seen some of this movie before, but I tend to watch porn in like fifteen-minute to half-hour intervals. In one scene in Fuck Slaves, a dude uses a turkey-baster type thing to inject milk into a chick’s ass sort of like a milk enema. Then she squirts it all out onto the tile floor and then licks it up. I’m serious. That’s one of the scenes.

Now, am I wrong, or does Fuck Slaves have a more authentic recipe for dirt pipe milkshakes than Dirt Pipe Milkshakes?

Anyways, it occurred to me that these movies were really high in the evolutionary depravity food chain. Like, you can’t get much nastier than these movies. Oh, you can throw in some bukkake and maybe even a couple of granny amputees and some piss for good measure, but you can’t really ever add all that much to drinking stuff you squirt out of your ass.

To a porn actress, having someone squirt milk up your ass and then drinking it must just be a career killer. I mean, how can you top that? Everything is downhill from then on. Imagine David Blaine suspended naked in the dead of winter upside down over a driving range for sixty days while Tiger Woods takes shots at him. Yeah, I would watch that and I would bring cake, but how could he ever outdo that stunt? He couldn’t.

And, you know, there has been an evolution in porn. Like, some time ago, fucking on film was risqué. Then there were the classics, Deep Throat and Devil in Miss Jones, that everyone thought broke all the barriers. Yeah, they were breakthrough films. But since then, we have ass-to-mouth and full swallowing and gangbangs and creampies and a whole lot more. For those of you who have never seen a bukkake film, let me explain the setup. These movies are really popular in Japan, hence the Japanese name. There have been a few American bukkake movies made, but they pretty much suck. Ha ha. I said they suck. No, I mean, they really do suck. The same way we haven’t been able to take a Japanese horror film like Ring or Ju-on and make a decent American version, American porn makers don’t seem to be up to the simple task of having forty dudes cum on a chick.

Anyways, bukkake works like this: a Japanese woman, often dressed in schoolgirl garb, is in a room with thirty to fifty dudes. They usually stand in one long row in front of her, beating off. They all wear their underwear throughout, which is a nice touch because looking at Japanese dudes’ asses is just not why you watch these films. But mainly it’s because it is illegal to show genitals in Japan. Yes, that’s right, all the cocks and balls and cunts are blurred out if they do show up on camera.

But anyway, all the dudes then cum on the woman or in her mouth. Now, covering the chick with splooge is the point of some of the lamer bukkake films. But in more progressive bukkake, all the cum is collected—she spits it into a bowl or something and it is scraped off her face with spoons—and then, at the end, it is all placed in an impressive laboratory-style beaker. The point of the beaker is, no doubt, so that you can see just how many milliliters of sperm has been collected. It usually looks like two or three cups. That is a lot of sperm. And then, she takes the beaker and drinks the whole lot of it. Yum! And, when she’s done, she holds up the empty beaker at the camera and smiles one of those Ovaltine smiles.

So, think about how far we have come in the 36 years since Deep Throat. And, watching the chick who squirted milk out of her ass and then lapped it up, I found myself wondering, what the fuck could be the next thing to come in porn? How can porn outdo itself?

I have some ideas.

But there is a point where it gets to be too much. You know? And then it’s just unwatchable. Because, believe it or not, eventually it seems like it could get a little gross. Like, I don’t even want to think about pookkake.

And then people will just get sick of porn. And then what?

Here is what. Pussies will come back in style. That’s right. Good old-fashioned pussy fucking will make a comeback. It will look something like this.

That’s all I have to say about the evolution of porn.