Tamponimals™

Are there any patent attorneys out there?  You know, every now and then here in the stoogepen, I have a great idea.  I have a lot of them.  Ideas, I mean.  And I had a lot of time on planes recently.  And on one plane, there was a crying baby.

So, I thought, hey, you know, there is first class, business class, and coach.  There should also be a baby class on planes somewhere behind coach over the engines.  If you have a baby, you should not be able to upgrade to coach or to business or first class.

I know that if you have a baby, you sometimes need to travel with your baby.  All that I’m saying is that I do not need to travel with your baby.  I should not have to lie and say I am a registered sex offender just so you will keep your baby away from me.

Listen, you fucked and you had a baby.  Your baby is your fuck souvenir.  I did not fuck you or I might be able to appreciate your fuck souvenir a little more.  But it’s your souvenir, not mine.  You don’t give a flying fuck about the pink marble elephant I picked up in Miami, whether I paid cash for it or fucked for it.  You couldn’t care less.  And I don’t care about your fuck souvenir.  If my pink marble elephant could cry and did so the entire time we flew from Miami to New York, you would tell me to shove it up my ass.  I am politely asking you to tell airlines to give you your own third-class section over the engines somewhere near or in the cargo hold so that I can get some rest and maybe watch the shitty movie.  (The movie on this flight, by the way, was Martian Child with John Cusack.  Maybe I’ll write more on that in some other entry.  This movie sucked so much that I almost came in its mouth, but meanwhile it has almost seven stars at IMDB.  One person comments, “Sensational Movie!  Cusacks [sic] finest performance….” Is John Cusack that bad?) Is that too much to ask?

The baby section of airlines is not my brilliant idea (though it is a very good idea).  See, thinking about the baby on the flight made me wish that the mommy had opted to menstruate instead of getting the fuck souvenir.  Menstruating may not be fun but I can sleep on the plane while you menstruate, even if you’re sitting in the seat right next to me menstruating as loudly as you can.  The gushing sounds might even be soothing.

I was thinking about menstruation, and it occurred to me that there are not a lot of menstrual innovations.  I did not know it at the time, but commercial menstrual pads have been around since at least the 19th century and commercial tampons were invented in 1931, though women have used both tampons and pads for thousands of years.  (You can read way too goddamn much about pads and tampons here at the website of The Museum of Menstruation and Women’s Health.  I shit you not.) The most recent menstraul innovation — correct me if I’m wrong about this because I am no expert — is the menstrual cup, and that was invented in the 1930s.  See, now that’s a great invention!  It’s a cup that goes inside your cunt and catches all the blood.  One can last for ten years so it is very environmentally friendly.  Unfortunately, menstrual cups like the DivaCup® and the SoftCup® have never become popular in the US.  I think this may be in part because they come in only two sizes.  This is an issue no matter how you look at it.  First, women don’t want to think about the inner width of their pussies.  But if they do, they want to discover that they are the tiniest size.  Second, I am a dude and I can positively tell you that there are more than two sizes out there.  If I were marketing this device, it would be available in three sizes: virgin, teensy, and tiny.  But this is truly a serious, twentieth-century menstrual innovation that is now more than seventy years old.

So why aren’t there more menstrual innovations?  I mean, sure, there are wings and I bet that, compared to whatever women were wearing in ancient Egypt or wherever, today’s tampons are so absorbent that they can suck as much blood out of you as Martian Child.  But why isn’t there anything new in the field of menstruation?  A lot of women have periods.  Practically all of them.  So there is a big market out there waiting to be exploited by technology.

Why not even stupid menstrual innovations?  I mean, for instance, why not colostomy-style bags in designer fashions.  Nothing to dispose of like with pads or tampons, and nothing to clean like with menstrual cups.  Just put your bag on in the morning and bleed all you like.  And all that blood can be useful!  Why waste it? As an added bonus, you might be able to pee into the fashionable colostomy-style blood bag, saving you trips to the bathroom.  See how easy it is to innovate?

Well, I came up with lots of other menstrual technological innovations.  I won’t share them all with you because you’re not ready for it.  You just couldn’t handle it.  Really.  Also, I don’t have a patent attorney yet.  But I will share one idea.

Women don’t like having their periods.  I suspect this is in part because it sucks to be leaky.  If you had a choice, you would not leak.  This is why Olestra never caught on.  And, yeah, cramps and PMS and everything else.  What women need is a little excitement to go along with having their periods.  A little menstrual exhilaration might just make the whole experience a lot more bearable.

Here is my idea.  Have you ever seen those little toy capsules that, when immersed in water, grow up to 600% of their original size and take on animal shapes?  (Here are some examples but, just in case that link goes dead, you can find plenty by just googling.) Well, why couldn’t we do this with tampons?  I call these Tamponimals™.  Here is how they work.

Assuming you’re a woman, you stick a normal looking tampon into your cunt when you have your period.  It does what all tampons do: it fills with blood and grows in size.  When you pull your normal tampon out of your pussy, it is normally just a blood-soaked wad of cotton.  Who wants to deal with that?  That’s where Tamponimals™ are different.  Like the little toy capsules, Tamponimals™ take on a fun shape as they fill with blood.  Imagine how exciting it will now be to pull your tampon out!  You will think, “Last time, there was a bunny up my cunt.  What will it be this time?  (You pull out the Tamponimals™ brand tampon.) Wow!  It was a monkey up my cunt!  Awesome!”

Tamponimals™ are not limited to animals, either.  Spaceships, buildings, clowns, vehicles, whatever!  Who knows what the limits of what we can put into your mentruating vagina are?  You want wings?  How about a butterfly or a chicken or a bumblebee in your twat?  Now, that’s a technological innovation!

Well, that’s the whole idea.  Someone is going to make a gajillion dollars off this idea.  This will, after all, likely be the only technological breakthrough in menstraution in the twenty-first century, and only the second menstrual innovation in thousands of years.  And it will, I’m sure, sweep the nation.  And after someone takes Tamponimals™ and makes it a reality by pouring sweat and labor and, yes, blood into the idea, I can’t wait to sue his ass off.