Post-Christmas Letter to Santa

I hope your faith pays off.  I’ve never had much use for faith save for an observation based faith on the consistency of human behavior.

Posted by Mark on 12/25 at 08:33 AM

Oh Stooge. I’m sorry. Maybe try the Baby Jesus next year. I think he likes the clown faced girls. I think Santa used them all up for himself. The dirty bastard.

Posted by k8 on 12/25 at 08:37 AM

Hi Mark! You don’t even believe in Batman or the Penis-Wilting Mutton Monster? You know, as I am often told by people too stoopid even to understand the concept of proof, you can’t disprove the existence of the Penis-Wilting Mutton Monster! (They don’t usually say “the Penis-Wilting Mutton Monster,” though.)

Yo K8! Just because I believe in Santa and Batman does not mean I’m crazy enough to buy into that Jesus stuff. I might change my mind if Jesus got me a Clown-Faced Girl, but he will have to make the first move.

Posted by stoogepie on 12/25 at 11:14 AM

at first i thought, that stoogepie is pretty fucking stupid, requesting that the CFG be able to ride the unicycle with FMBs.  it sounded like it was asking too much.

but then i wondered if lodging the seatpost firmly up the dirtpipe actually makes it EASIER to ride?

Posted by ken on 12/26 at 08:01 AM

Um.

Stoogie?

How’s the egg nog treating you there Sweet Pea?

Posted by Crissy on 12/26 at 08:01 AM

I heard they have Clown Faced Girls at Bloomingdales…30 percent off! Please do not trample an employee on your way into the store. Thx.

Posted by Kiala on 12/28 at 10:48 AM

I have a solution for you if Santa doesn’t come through (which he won’t, the bastard). I just watched an episode of Cathouse on HBO the other night and some clown showed up and paid for one of the girls to put on clown makeup and give him a blow job and pop balloons. So you just have to go to the bunny ranch! I know the makeup isn’t permanent…but at least it’s something right?

Posted by Meg on 12/29 at 06:30 PM

Funny, Stoogepie, that you should mention the Penis-Wilting Mutton Monster.  I did have an experience many years ago that might serve to validate it.  Several years ago, I took my wife and daughter to Scotland.  We spent several days at a bed & breakfast in Drumnadrochit, a village that overlooks Loch Ness’ western shore and makes much of its revenue from Loch Ness Monster related tourism.  The owners of the b&b;kept sheep as do so many in the very rural highlands.  My wife & I woke early and I thought I’d give her an early morning poke.  As we started, the damned sheep started making a fuss and butting their heads against our windows in an effort to get attention.  They would not relent and it was so irritating that we ceased our efforts to enter wakefulness pleasantly.  We already had a growing animosity toward the creatures due to their tendency to block roads, especially at night when the pavement remains warmer than the ground.  We took to using one of the local nicknames for them, “bumper magnets”.  My wife never thought much about eating lamb & mutton but she ordered whenever available after that trip, and would exclaim, “If ever there was an animal meant to be eaten, it is those damned bumper magnets!”

Posted by Mark on 12/30 at 09:17 AM

you know, mark, you can fuck sheep.

just sayin’.

Posted by ken on 12/30 at 03:33 PM