Right now, the big thing in the news here in New York is all about the new governor, David Paterson, who became governor after Elliot Spitzer’s resignation. The two burning questions for Governor Paterson from the press appear to be (1) “Who does this New York governor fuck?” and (2) “What drugs has this New York governor taken?”

I don’t really know why anyone gives a shit. The point with the whole Spitzer thing was that prostitution is illegal and that fucking prostitutes is illegal. Besides, Spitzer prosecuted prostitutes before he was governor, so he was a no-good fucking hypocrite. Even there I think, geez, when did it become a big deal for a politician to be a hypocrite? Shit, I’m not even a politician but if all of a sudden I couldn’t be hypocritical, I don’t think I could ever browbeat anyone again. The horror!

So I think it’s the illegality of his conduct that landed Spitzer in hot water. But nobody has even asked this new governor, as far as I know, “Alright, so you fucked around. But anything illegal? You ever killed a guy or, you know, knocked over a liquor store?”

And it’s not like Governor Paterson hasn’t admitted to illegal activity! I mean, he has admitted that he has smoked weed and used cocaine in the past. That’s illegal, yet I don’t see anyone calling for Governor Paterson’s resignation.

Maybe it’s because he’s legally blind that nobody cares whether what he did was illegal. But I think I heard somewhere that blindness to the law is no excuse. What the hell does it mean to be legally blind anyway?

I now pronounce you legally blind.

All that I’m getting at is that I don’t care whether Governor Paterson snorts cocaine off the bare back of a ten-dollar whore while he fucks her up the ass on the steps of City Hall, just so long as he doesn’t arrest her afterward.

Why is prostitution illegal, anyway? I mean, porn is not only legal, it is fan-fucking-tastic! So why is prostitution illegal? How come, if I hire someone to go with me to a motel room and fuck my brains out, I go to jail? But if I also hire a cameraman, the police will stand outside and make sure nobody bothers us while we’re filming. Does this make sense to anyone? Is the cameraman union that powerful? What, exactly, is the difference?

It’s freedom of speech, right? You’re thinking that pornography is entitled to protection as a form of expression, but fucking in private is not. Well, if you don’t think that fucking is not only a form of expression but a pretty goddamn loud one at that, if you don’t think that fucking can be art, if you don’t think that any blowjob can be worth a thousand pictures even if the exchange rate is bad, then you are fucking the wrong people. Maybe you should see a professional.