Mister Shorts Number 9
So, it’s time for a Mister Shorts. But first, stoogepie’s sad tale of credit card woe.
I lost a fucking credit card a few weeks ago. Maybe I left it at a bakery in the West Village when I made a pretty goddamn large baked goods purchase. I don’t fucking know. I went back to that bakery but I didn’t even ask the baker chicks about the credit card. I just bought some more cake and left.
I called the credit card company because, yo, that is what you do when you lose your credit card. It is not like when you lose your virginity or your mind and you just say, “Well fuck me. I will never get that shit back.” And it is not like when you lose your girlfriend or your wad and you just say, “Whatev. It will take me twenty minutes to replace that.” When you lose your credit card, you have to call the credit card company and tell them your sad tale of credit card woe and answer a bunch of questions and then it’s up to them whether or not to send you a brand stinking new credit card. I had never lost a credit card before, so I was kind of nervous about this.
So, you know, I called the credit card company over in Calcutta or wherever and told them I lost my credit card, and I got a very nice plastic lady who told me that, fuck my sorry ass, it looked like someone had been using my card to make illegal purchases. She asked me when I had lost it and I said I did not know. Maybe a few weeks ago. I thought it was on my desk or at the dry cleaners or fucking an ATM machine or what the hell ever. How should I know? My credit card has a mind of its own.
So the very nice plastic lady said, well, it looks like there is some suspicious charge activity, so let’s go back a month or so. And she said, “There is a charge for a website, it looks like some kind of adult website.” And I asked which site. And she told me and I said, “yeah, that’s the one with the ass smoothies that Ken turned me on to a while back. Nah, that was me.” See, I have that credit card in AutoFill in my Google Toolbar, so I just click to use it. I don’t need actual plastic at all. I might have lost the card by then, but who the fuck knows?
Anyways, the nice plastic lady goes through like fifteen more porn purchases and a few cake purchases until we got to that last live purchase at the bakery, and then just more online porn. And at the end of the call, the lady actually asks me, “Do you work in the pornography industry or something? That is a lot of porn.” And I said, yeah, I am a porno dude. If she watches porn, she might even recognize my dick. It’s the veiny reddish one that tilts up and to the right at the head. And then she just said my new card will arrive in a couple of days and hung up on me.
I got the card and promised myself that, this time, my signature on the back would not look like I took ten meth tabs, then dug my eyes out with a spoon, and then signed with my left hand while jerking off with my right. But that did not happen.
I won’t even tell you about how both graphics cards in my computer failed last week because that is even more fucking boring than my tale of credit card woe. But I will say this: good day, graphics cards! I said, good day!
That’s all I have to say about woe is me and all that shit. Next time, I will have a comic so badass you will not even get past the first fucking panel before you rub one off.
Posted on Wednesday, August 19, 2009 at 02:15 AM.
Tags: Comics, Mister Shorts, Suckage
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Comments & Trackbacks
OMG! Ken’s signature looks exactly like yours!
We’ve had our card number stolen and our identities stolen multiple times.
Everyone wants to be us. Welcome to the club.
I’m looking forward to your badass post that will make me want to rub one out. As you know, I have such a hard time finding good material…
i was wondering where all the traffic was coming from, so i traced it back here.
thanks for the link, compadre.
so did you have to pay for the “suspicious activity” or what??
Look at it this way: at least it was only the one card, and not your whole freakin’ wallet. I’ve done that before because I’m scatterbrained and old and shizz, but since no one wants to be me I get my stuff back almost instantly.
About the only thing I have of value is Ms. Darkstar, and I keep her close as possible at all times.
All of your comics are badass. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I ... left something in the bedroom.
Hmmm, I may have to make a purchase before the next comic then cuz I log into Stoogepie.com, crank up the ol’ USB vibe and depending on the length of the comic, burn through 2 or 3 of those… I sortve have a standing bulk order in with “CumfySlut - makers of fine vibrators and vibrator accessories”.
I am glad that your experience with Ms. Vindaloo at Very Big Bank was better than my usual experience which involves being told that she is, yes, very much sorry that there will be an service charge for whatever I am asking about. Maybe I should be getting more cake and porn…?!
I think we need to discuss the “Fucktoy” fragrance… I bet I can formulate a whole line of awesome products to fit that scent!
This has been a tough summer. I can sympathize with you as I’ve been notified by credit card companies or noticed charges I didn’t make and had to go through the whole fraud business with them.
I think I can one or two down you for this summer though. I keep myself in excellent condition and eat pretty well since I’d rather not have diabetic complications. Despite this, I end up with asymptomatic gout for three weeks. Can’t exercise, can’t walk, can’t sleep through the night. Blood and kidneys are clean as a whistle but the foot is agony and the medicine finally worked. Woo hoo! A little over a week after that, an inattentive asshole in a pickup truck smacked into me while I was riding the scooter my girlfriend so generously gave me. Left side and arm out of service for a couple of weeks and left arm finally able to bear loads and light weight lifting a month out. Still awaiting settlement from their insurance company hoping I can get enough to replace the scooter since I’m borrowing wheels to get around now.
What has this to do with Mr. Shorts? I don’t know, but I saw an opening and took it!
Yo Crissy! You will like what I have planned next, then. I am sure of it!
Hey ken! Yeah, I wound up paying for the suspicious activity because it was all me. But, you know, if I had given it some thought beforehand, I would have denied it all and maybe saved some money so I could buy more porn and cake and whores and such.
Hi Mr. POSSLQ! That’s awesome that you get all your stuff back, because I would totally steal your money and your identity and all of that if I ever find your wallet. Or even if you just come over for dinner or something. Just saying.
Yo MsDarkstar! I googled CumfySlut. No hits, so I may steal it from you and use it in the future. And we do need to discuss the Fucktoy fragrance. I have some ideas about what Fucktoy should smell like, but if you do as well and want to work on prototypes, send them along. I would place a Very Big Order.
Hey Mark! Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck is gout? I googled it and found out from Wikipedia that it is historically known as “The Disease of Kings” or “Rich Man’s Disease.” So what the fuck you are complaining about? And then you say you’re okay but “the foot is agony.” Does gout affect your foot or is “the foot” a euphemism for your dick or something? Because if gout has something to do with kingly dicks, I am all fucking ears. And if you are going to get bitch-slapped while you ride your scooter, don’t let it be a pickup doing the slapping. Go for a Porsche or a Ferrari next time. You’re lucky that motherfucker was even insured. But tell the insurance company you at least need a motorcycle with your side all fucked up and tell your girlfriend I need some scooter love, too. Also, I missed you.
I’m sorry, Stooge. I look forward to the next comic. I have but one credit card. It’s my best friend.
I lose cards all the time. You just yell a lot and wave your arms (they can totally see it through the phone) and they magically fix everything. FTW!
I’ll definitely whip up some prototypes of “Fucktoy”.
All I ask is that if you do anything with “Cumfyslut” that needs a voice actress that I get to do the voice work, ok? I did start the “CumfySlut Focus Group” on Second Life, though. And I used to do “commercials” during Mr. POSSLQ’s DJ gigs for “CumfySlut” products. I even have a catchy tagline for it!
Is “large baked good purchase” code for something nasty? I hope so.
You should do what I do: keep my credit cards charged up to the limit and have a crappy credit rating. No one wants to steal my identity or my credit cards.
Whatever will you do for two days while you’re unable to buy “baked goods”?
Hi melissalion! You need more goddamn friends!
Yo LiLu! I wish I had asked you about this last week! I didn’t yell or anything. I did drink scotch during the call, though.
Hey MsDarkstar! Oh, if I had only known! We can do great things with CumfySlut together!
Hi Julia! Unfortunately, no, “baked goods” are “baked goods.” But you know how well cake goes with porn, right? Of course! If I had to do without cake and porn for a while? Well, I was once in a country for a whole month where porn and premarital sex are both illegal. No kidding! I would do what I did then: break the fucking law.
Gout is a form of arthritis. It was known by those names because historically sufferers were those who could afford a diet rich in alcohol, meat, and fish. They also tended to live lethargic, sedentary lives. That I do not enjoy such a diet nor do I live such a lifestyle makes it more frustrating that I am now confirmed to be a gout sufferer. The foot was a source of agonizing pain during the gout attack. The location is a fairly common one for gout. What happens is uric acid accrues in the blood in excess of what the kidneys can remove. Gravity usually causes it to settle in extremities where it cyrstalizes in the fluid surrounding a joint. In my case, the joint connecting my right big toe to my right food was affected. There is discoloration, swelling, and intense, sharp pain. I had to sleep without sheet or blanket because the merest touch of any sort to the area would rouse me screaming in pain. The source of the pain is the crystals piercing the soft tissue surrounding the joint. Imagine microscopic knives pressing and slicing into your most tender and sensitive bits. I’m fine now because the medicine they give you, which is awful but not as awful as gout, works pretty quickly to relieve the pain. I now keep a bottle of that medicine with me at home and when I travel in case I have another attack. You definitely wouldn’t want this in your dick. You’d cut it off to relieve the pain.
As for the scooter, I’m still waiting on the insurance company. I’m hoping they’ll offer a settlement to my liking early this week so I can go shopping for a larger, more powerful replacement. I will pass along your request though I expect laughter in response.
It is nice to be missed. Thank you. I’ve missed you as well. Your posts and your creative output are great sources of interest and amusement.
Oh dear, Mark. I’m sorry to hear it. Glad you’re better.
I have the ulcers. I guess we’re both 80 year old men.
Thanks melissalion! Sorry to hear about your ulcers. Are these the stomach sort? Have you asked a doc about antibiotics for them? I gather many folks who suffer from them actually have an infection and that this treatment can work wonders.
thank you Admin Wery Good Share…