Kids and Me
A lot of the blogs out there are mommy or daddy blogs. In fact, it’s safe to say that some of the best blogs out there are mommy or daddy blogs.
This is not a mommy or daddy blog. This is not even a kid-friendly or work-friendly blog. Viewing the shit on this blog can maybe get you fired and can traumatize your children. Reading my blog can get you killed in the Middle East.
I’m not sure why that is. I get along with kids well enough. That is, I get along very well with children once we are over that awkward getting-to-know-you phase, but I am really not great with the first impression or anything.
I have a handy example. This actually happened a while ago.
It was 6am on a fucking weekend. I was walking around a strange apartment in my underwear. It was my very first time there. And I came across a kid.
That’s all the set-up you get.
The kid did not say to me, “Who the fuck are you?”
He did not say to me, “What the hell are you doing in my apartment, fucker?”
Here is what happened.
It was damn early for me to be awake. I did not expect to run into any children when it was barely fucking light outside. Here is my actual response.
Now, this was not, as it turns out, the appropriate response. Maybe I was thinking that was funny, or maybe I was just brain dead.
The kid did not cry or anything. He did not start to wail. But he got a shocked look on his face. And I did the whole, “hey, I was just kidding. It was a joke, bad joke is all” thing.
But here’s the thing: for the life of me, I can’t come up with a better response even today, after I have had lots of coffee.
The truth seems so mundane. Was he really asking a question about grooming at 6am? Or was this just an icebreaker, an opening for a joke. Would this have gotten a laugh from the kid?
How about this? Would this have made him laugh?
Here is the very best I have been able to do as an alternative response.
Anyways, after some initial awkwardness, things get much better as a general rule. And, in fact, kids and I like many of the same things. Like video games and Spongebob Squarepants and cake and clowns. I love clowns. Even the scary clowns. And balloons. I like balloons. And I can do some magic tricks, too.
I understand kids and they understand me.
So, in honor of all the mommy and daddy bloggers out there, I have written a children’s book. It also demonstrates that I really do understand kids, even if I still can’t figure out what the right thing to say in this particular situation was. I am finishing it up right now and will post it within a few days. It will be kid-friendly and work-friendly. But I will probably post it on a weekend and then post some more nasty shit about assfucking and bukkake during the week. Because I like to fuck with you like that.
So stay tuned. My children’s book is coming soon.
In the meantime, if you can think of a better response to that kid’s question, post it in the comments.
Posted on Friday, July 25, 2008 at 01:08 PM.
Tags: Comics
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Comments & Trackbacks
Bwahahahahahaha. I’m stuck between 3 and 4. Oh, Stoogie...... this made my day. And I AM at work......maybe next time I ought to save reading this for home.
I don’t have a good response. I thought the “I eat puppies” was perfect.
But I think there is only one way to explain the kids question: he must encounter strange men all. the. time.
My hair is so long because you cry.
My hair is so long because you have two mommies now. Hi, I’m Janet.
Very funny Stoogepie. And it is an awkward question, about as awkward as the setting that it takes place in.
I would like to add that whether you remember or not, this kid has met you before.
You may have been drunk, you may have been ....drunk, but how else would that kid have gotten a Stoogepie shirt?… You gave it to him the first time you met him. If you assume a first meeting, (when you gave him the shirt) the question is a little less awkward for him, and perhaps a little more awkward for you, who doesn’t remember it.
I like your original answer best, but I’m biased as I do not much like puppies. I laughed a lot and had to pause before I could continue my reading.
Hmm. Several possibilities:
Sorry, I didn’t realize my fly was open.
I forgot to shave my back.
I am a werewolf.
I don’t wax.
You should have seen it before I got it cut.
I know, your mom told me if I stopped by she would cut it for me.
Or the common kid response (simply repeat back what they said to you), Why is your hair so long?
first of all, i think the proper answer would be the obvious:
“because i haven’t cut it shorter.”
second, i’m giddy with anticipation of the assfucking and bukkake… just can’t get enough of that!
please make sure everyone has nice shoes.
This was perfect
I had to tell others about it, go to
How about: “Because I don’t have to do what my mother tells me too anymore?”
Maybe that’s too petty though.
Hey Shelly! Yeah, but the kids book is totally work safe. Sort of.
Hi Meg! But could they all have had short hair?
Yo Crissy! I. Love. Your. Suggestions!
Hi Zach! Nah, everyone has a stoogepie shirt in NYC, and all sorts of other branded stoogepie items. It’s everywhere I look here.
Yo Mark! But I love puppies! Delish!
Hey Mr. Perfectly! Love them! My favorites: “Sorry, I didn’t realize my fly was open.” And “I forgot to shave my back.” And “I don’t wax.” Those are worth making comics for!
Yo Ken! More assfucking and bukkake on the way! With nice shoes!
Hey Rachel! Thanks! You rock!
Hi Underblawger! I like it. I might change it to be, “Because that’s the one horrible thing your mommy did not ask me to do last night.”
That’s funny…
Ken never asks me to wear nice shoes when he fucks my ass…
...sniffle
Yo Crissy! I love you.
Good Morning Stoogepie,
I should have been more specific. I’ve never cooked nor eaten a puppy, but I shouldn’t think it would be very tasty. To each his own. I’m not a fan of them being in my vicinity when alive. I’ve never been bothered by dead ones, though my exposures have been brief. Lingering exposure would probably be bothersome due to decomposition. I’m perfectly happy for others to enjoy them, provided they do so well outside of my living space. My girlfriend has a couple of dogs and I live for the day that they assume room temperature. One of them is very pleasant but I am equally dismissive of them in order to avoid conflict. I have promised my girlfriend that I will try not to dance with joy when they go.
dear stoogepie,
where the fuck is the new material?
love,
ken
The word “bukkake” freaks me out. It’s like the onomatopoeia of well...of that happening.
I’m not being prudish, it’s just kind of, you know, a LOT of spunk.
Is that the right word? Where am I?
actually i’m more of a fan of gokkun than bukkake, but that’s really splitting hairs. either will do in a pinch.
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