Holy Zombies

I know that, at the end of my last post, I said I would soon write about the difference between porno and real life, and I will get around to that in a post or two, but first I want to clear something up. 

Some people were insulted by my last post about chick flicks and dick flicks for a number of reasons.  I did not mean to insult particular movies, however contrived, formulaic, or overhyped those movies might be.  Nor did I intend to insult the people who enjoy those movies, however idiotically sheep-like and mindlessly stereotypical those people’s reactions to those contrived, formulaic, overhyped movies might be.

I don’t mean to insult anyone.  I just want to make that clear right now.  I love movies.  And I don’t mean only porno movies, although I do love porno.  I mean mainstream movies.  I am especially fond of horror movies and, in fact, I have probably seen every zombie movie ever made, including the many very hot porno zombie movies, like 28 Lays Later and Night of Giving Head.

That is why I have decided to devote this blog entry to an uncontroversial topic that will showcase my knowledge of popular culture while also demonstrating to you, my loyal readers, that I mean to insult no one: Jesus was a zombie.

Now, this is pretty straightforward.  If you look up the definition for zombie in the dictionary, it says, “a dead body that has been brought back to life by a supernatural force.” Done and done.  That’s pretty clear, huh?  Plainly, Jesus is, by definition, a zombie.  According to Christians, Jesus died and then rose three days later.  Once you have been dead, the only thing you can later be is undead.

But I don’t mean to get all Christian on you.  Here is what I am getting at: when Christians watch zombie movies, why don’t they root for the Zombies?  What would Jesus do?

In some George Romero zombie movies, he uses this line: “When there’s no more room in hell, the dead shall walk to earth.” No, George.  Sorry.  You’re wrong.  When there’s no more room in heaven, the dead shall walk to earth.

See, everybody should agree that a world filled with zombies is pretty much the very idea of Christian paradise.  And it’s not like Jesus didn’t start the whole, “eat my body and drink my blood,” thing.  Does he have to knock you over the head with his zombie message for you to get it?

Look at the world around you and maybe you see sin, right?  Fornication?  Death?  Prejudice?  War? 

Think of your best idea of heaven.  It is a world where you wind up after you are dead, but without any of the sin.  You don’t even think any bad thoughts in heaven.  You just sort of mill around doing whatever.  Sounds heavenly, doesn’t it?

Now watch your favorite zombie movie.  If zombies took over the world — after they killed all the people (a.k.a. sinners) — there would be no war, no death, no jealousy, no coveting, no prejudice.  Zombies are never racist, sexist, or homophobes.  You will never see anything like this in a zombie movie.

Zombies feel no pain.  They have no diseases.  They don’t recognize handicaps.  They never argue or bitch or whine.  They only do what God intelligently designed them to do: eat sinners.  And eating a sinner is a transformative process.  After the sinner dies, he turns into a zombie — a perfect, sinless human being — completing the heavenly circle. 

Zombies in most movies don’t even bother with animals.  Animals are free to roam and play.  Zombies don’t eat apples, either.  How much does this sounds like Eden to you?

After Zombies had eradicated all non-zombies, the world would return to a state of nature.  People would all be zombies.  And the world would be a perfect, Christian paradise.  Eden on earth.

So, the next time you see a zombie flick, if you call yourself a Christian, cheer for the zombies.  Ask yourself: what would Jesus, king of the zombies, do?

That’s all I have to say about that.  More porn and cake to come.