Holy Shit! We Did It!
It’s hard for me to be very proud of the American people.
I know, that’s harsh, but let’s face it: a lot of Americans are morons.
You Canadians are nodding your heads right now.
In America today, 5% of voters believe they have actually, personally spoken with Satan. Seriously. Another 7% believe that Elvis is alive. A whopping 20% of American adults believe that the sun orbits around the earth. No fucking kidding.
And, really, that’s just the beginning. I could go on. We live in a genuinely stupid nation. The truly frightening part of it is that so many of these functional retards can be such mean-spirited fuckheads. I guess that makes sense. Members of lynch mobs have never made a name for themselves as the intellectual giants of the world.
Still, this country’s people can surprise you, as they did during World War II, as some did during the Civil Rights Era, and as some did again when they bought that Christmas CD that was supposed to feed starving kids somewhere or something. Or, you know, when people click on that animal rescue site.
America can make you proud. It can mobilize and do the right thing. It never wholly does the right thing but, like I said, America’s also got its fair share of despicable, dim-witted douchepuppets who have gripping conversations with Satan while keeping an eye out for the King.
Anyways, what I’m getting at is that, every now and then, this country can make you proud. Yesterday was such an occasion. Barack Obama was elected president after winning pretty much twice as many electoral votes as McCain. The popular vote wasn’t nearly as lopsided, but President-Elect Obama won soundly and will become the 44th President of the United States on January 20, 2009.
I’m choked up. Seriously. I caught a really bad cold last weekend and I haven’t been able to shake it yet. But I am also feeling very emotional. Right now, I wouldn’t want to live in any other country in the world, except maybe for very short periods lasting no longer than a few months and even then only if those nations’ police accept bribes as easily as American police.
So, what I’m saying is, thank you. Thank you, America.
This was an especially polarizing election. Now it’s time for us to come together as a nation, mend our differences, and fix what ails this country, even if it means dealing with those inbred imbeciles who live in trailer parks, watch four hours of Fox News every day, and have every reason to pray for an afterlife in Alabama and elsewhere in America’s unfinished basement.
Oh, I especially want to thank North Carolina, the only state with a compass direction in its name that Obama won. Fuck all the rest of you “South this” and “North that” states.
Also, thank you Massachusetts. You have restored my faith in states with two S’s in a row. The rest of you two S states can eat my shit.
Thank you again. Now let’s roll up our sleeves and work together because, in spite of how many loathsome fucktards there are in this country, yes, we can.
Posted on Wednesday, November 05, 2008 at 06:07 AM.
Tags: Comics, Politics, Stoopid
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Comments & Trackbacks
“dim-witted douchepuppets?”
ha, ha, ha, ha!
I cried last night too. You should have called me. We could have cried together
whilst making sweet sweet monkey plague phone love.
I love those state observations. That’s why I read your stuff. Cause you’re the man. Oh, yeah and the fact that you’ve been unreasonably nice to me.
But in all fairness Stoogepie, if my taxes go up, I’m sending you a bill of the difference.
(Don’t worry, they probably won’t, I make like 13 cents a week. Just enough to keep a starving kid from Africa alive… or a kid from Maine.)
I am still too emotional to write anything coherent. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am glad that I will not have to hear any more about Joe the Plumber.
I couldn’t stay up last night. I gave it my best girlscout try with one eye on the television, but I passed out too soon. But first thing this morning, I turned on the internet and there he was and there I was, shivers of anticipation just hearing him speak. Allowing myself a smidgen of hope that America can again become great. I am proud to be an American today and I’ve not always felt that way. I hope there are more days of that feeling to come.
And I’m not proud to live in a red state, but I knew that before I moved here. We just don’t talk to the neighbors.
I can’t express how happy I am that America didn’t fuck it up yesterday. Such a relief! In fact I’m feeling so positive I think I could work with those “inbred imbeciles” who watch too much Fox news.
I’m in an ‘ss’ state, and we ALMOST......almost made it. But I can rest easy that MY VOTE helped ole MO be almost blue.
You can hate the ‘ss’states, but don’t hate the residents.....especially THIS one!
I’m in a state that starts with an O, can we get a shout out?
Yesterday was just great. I want to hear his speech over and over.
America did the right thing yesterday. Finally. I’m proud to be an American again. It’s just awesome.
huahuahuahua
love it!
hey… come pimp my blog!!! 
melissa, O states are the BEST. stoogepie doesn’t even have to mention that!
in other news, MA did decriminalize marijuana in quantities less than 1oz, which is fun.
I, too, am in a “SS” state that went red. But not because of my vote 
Like Kate, we just don’t talk to the neighbors!!
I miss you.
Um.
Sweetie?
I’m really tired of coming here and finding this post.
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