Hands are Bullshit

Handjobs suck.  Well, no, they don’t suck.  They don’t suck, or bite, or fuck.  They are just handjobs. 

So, I was looking at porn offerings recently and came upon happened upon handjob porn.  These include “Handjob Heaven,” “Hand Job Honeys,” “Handjobs Across America 25,” “Killer Grip,” and Whack Jobs.”  These are real titles and, yes, the “Handjobs Across America” series is up to number 25.

Now, apparently, somebody out there likes watching dudes get handjobs.  Who the fuck are you people?

I don’t understand.  Alright, it’s cool when women touch your dick.  I get that.  But it’s cool because maybe they will help you do something you can’t do better all by yourself.  Like maybe a blowjob or a fuck is waiting in the wings.  Maybe she just loves your dick so much she wants to hold onto it.  Excellent!

I don’t like getting hand jobs.  I have far more experience giving myself handjobs than any woman in the world could possibly hope to compete with.  In fact, I think it’s safe to say that I am better at giving myself handjobs than anyone else in the world.  Maybe you are a woman who has given a lot of handjobs.  Maybe you are the biggest handjob slut in the world.  Maybe you think you can teach me a thing or two.  No. You. Can’t.

First let me explain something about jerking off that some women do not understand: men jerk off all the time.  It doesn’t matter how much fucking we get from you.  We do it because we can.  We do it because we can’t sleep or we are naked in the shower anyway or we have a free hand when we are on the phone with the cable company.

It really has nothing to do with sex.  Sure, if we had to compare it, sex with women is usually better.  But we still jerk off.  Because we can.

You know, sometimes I don’t really feel like jerking off.  Sometimes I’ve just had sex or maybe I’m just tired or I have work to do or whatever.  I simply don’t feel like jerking off.  Yet, I force myself.  I rape myself!  That’s how strong the drive is in men to jerk off.

Don’t even bother asking your man if he jerks off.  He will lie to you and tell you that he doesn’t.  He lies to you about a lot of things.

This is a little bit of a tangent, but I have often thought that almost all reality shows have nothing to do with reality.  I mean, how many of us are anything like any of the people in reality TV shows?  I am not a Top Chef or America’s Next Top Model.  I am not an incredibly skilled fashion designer or a brilliant home decorator or even a very good fisherman.  Stephen Hawking sings and dances better than I do.  Damnit, I’m not even a fat celebrity!  But I could probably win a reality show called, “Who Gives Stoogepie the Best Handjobs?”  I am the expert at that.  I am da shit.

Does any dude out there actually like getting a hand job?  I don’t mean, “well, if I can’t get a blowjob or a fuck, a handjob will do, and it’s still sexual interaction with a woman.”  Okay, I can see the “it’s a substitute for more desirable forms of sex” argument, even though her goddamn mouth and pussy and ass are right the fuck there doing nothing, so only getting her hand pisses me off.  But, fine, that’s not really what I’m talking about.  I mean, would any dude rather have a handjob than any other sex, so much so that he will buy porn that feature handjobs?

Maybe you think that dozens of porn videos that show women jerking men off is not so strange, even if we are up to Handjobs Across America number fucking 25?  Fine.  Different strokes (literally), right?  Well, this picture is worth a thousand words.

Okay, how exactly does this work?  So a dude holds this fake hand in his hand while he jerks off?  While he is jerking off, does he imagine that someone else is jerking him off?  Or does he imagine that someone else is holding the fake hand and using it to jerk him off?  What the fuck is wrong with some dudes?

Years ago, John Stagliano, the former porn stud famous for the Buttman series who today owns the awesome porn studio Evil Angel, said that “pussies are bullshit.”  He meant that, in the world of porn, the deepest truth is found in assfucking and beyond.  It’s a profound observation that I will bring up again and again.

Well, in the real world, hands are bullshit.  Yes, I suppose that for some of you it is better to get a handjob from a woman than no action at all, but meanwhile she is doing something that you have practiced and perfected since you were young and can almost certainly simply do better.  Hell, it would be fan-fucking-tastic if I had a woman around to scratch my balls when they itched and to pick my nose when I had a big crusty booger, but not because she could do a better job of it than I could.  Just because it would just be too fucking awesome.

But why the fuck would any guy prefer a handjob?  Why the hell would any dude in the universe rent handjob porn when there is such a wide selection of sublimely disgusting smut out there?  Why would any dude buy a fake goddamn hand when he has a hand.  In fact, he needs to have a hand to use the fake hand?

I don’t have the answers to these questions. 

Anyway, I just don’t get some dudes.  Hands are bullshit.