Great Stories of the Bible 2

Thank you for the very valuable and enlightening story, stoogie.  Sadly, though, I will never look at calamari the same again.

Posted by Mr. POSSLQ on 03/16 at 09:01 AM

I like Dr. Rev. Stoogepie’s Tales of Bibaldry!  I’m a little curious as to whether David continued his “covenanting” with Jonathan after he married Michal… oh well, I guess there are some great mysteries that are made to remain mysteries.

Posted by MsDarkstar on 03/16 at 09:04 AM

I lack the capacity to describe how much I enjoy your illustrations.  That your story telling ability, and interpretations of classical texts are equivalent is icing on the cake.  You have a knack for picking the best stories from the poorly written book of popular fairy tales.  Well, the book is popular according to lip service and sales volume, but most never crack the cover.

It is good to see you back at it.

Posted by Mark on 03/16 at 09:11 AM

Stoogepie, knowing David was a “man after God’s own heart” disheartens me.  If he is the type of person that God loves, I am never getting in to heaven!  I haven’t massacred entire peoples and I only have about 20 foreskins in the lockbox at the back of my closet. I do, however, have one of those snazzy tunics I can wear.

Posted by Dingo on 03/16 at 12:39 PM

And once again, you hit the nail on the head. This is why I love you. And I’m so glad I didn’t know you when I worked for the church, because I don’t think I could have gotten through my high school Sunday School class without pointing all this stuff out. Then I would have gotten fired and I wasn’t ready to be fired yet.

Posted by k8 on 03/16 at 03:38 PM

Okay, is this real? I grew up in Southern California in the 80’s. What I know of the bible involves twins with sun-kissed skin and a tiny mole on their shoulders and sea-green eyes and they drive a mustang. I think that’s in the Book of Sweet Valley. It’s in the Medium Testament.

So seriously, is this storyline mostly true. I mean about the man-love and the foreskins?

Posted by melissalion on 03/16 at 10:55 PM

I don’t think I can eat calamari anymore.

Posted by Crissy on 03/17 at 01:43 PM

Hey Mr. POSSLQ! Oh, come on. Like we all wouldn’t eat fried dick everyday if it tasted good.
Yo MsDarkstar! Yeah, according to the good book, David and Jonathan continue their love affair after David gets married. In fact, the juiciest bits happen in 1 Samuel 20.
Hi Mark! The Christian capacity for make-believe is endless, and it’s best demonstrated by how easily they make believe they have even a passing familiarity with the bible.
Yo Dingo! But do you have the sneakers to go with the tunic?
Hi k8! Wait, why would you get fired? I have sort of been hoping that Sunday School teachers use these Great Stories to teach the kids their lessons.
Hey melissalion All true. Okay, if you just read the captions, you get the story from the bible pretty much exactly as it is written with no interpretation. So, yep, the whole part about the foreskins is completely as it is written. The part about the man-love? Well, whoever wrote the bible was almost never explicit about sex, so you need to interpret that one. But my interpretation is entirely in line with most non-apologist biblical scholars. So, Jonathan does get naked and form a “covenant” with David. In chapter 20, they kiss. Apologists say that it is common for men to kiss in greeting in the Middle East, which is true. But they kiss after an explicit greeting, and then they hold one another and cry until David “get’s enlarged.” No kidding. That’s the original Hebrew. Then, also in 20, Saul insults Jonathan by essentially telling him that he has shamed himself by loving David more than women. And that’s only the redacted version in the Masoretic Hebrew text. Earlier versions pretty much had Saul say to Jonathan, “You’re a slut just like your mother was, running after every man you set eyes on.” So, yeah, even my interpretation is supported. And it’s worth mentioning that even many apologists like the Archbishop of Canterbury admit that David and Jonathan had the first gay marriage. Take that, Prop 8!
Yo Crissy! Yeah, like you don’t love eating dick.  Puh-lease!

Posted by stoogepie on 03/18 at 05:55 PM

That’s really crazy. I’m glad my parents sheltered me from it. Pot and porn = okay! Bible = shelter the kid.

Posted by melissalion on 03/18 at 10:54 PM

fucking epic shit. 

i think you should be a college professor.

Posted by ken on 03/20 at 08:22 AM

I used to tell the Sunday School kids that there was more violence, sex and magical drug use in the Bible than on any Rated R tv show. They never believed me. Stupid parents. Lying to their kids.

Posted by k8 on 03/20 at 12:23 PM

Sucking and eating are two very different things, Stoogie.

And I have the TMJ so I don’t really do a whole lot of the sucking…

WHAT?

My jaw locks up and it’s not sexy.

Posted by Crissy on 03/23 at 10:07 AM

well, it’s sexy if it locks OPEN…

Posted by ken on 03/23 at 02:12 PM

My late wife suffered from TMJ, and I used to tease her exactly as Ken has done Crissy.  Fortunately, she enjoyed the sucking and was seldom afflicted with a locked jaw.  I did find some massage techniques that helped to loosen it so she could get back to the activity without pain.

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Posted by Adley on 03/19 at 06:13 AM