Christmas Toys for Twats

I know that some people like this holiday season. And I love bullshit as much as anyone. But seriously, I had a gift to get and stopped in Saks in midtown yesterday. And, shit. The place was packed full of shoppers with vacant eyes like chickens on the conveyor belt at Perdue. Everyone looked like they had entered the store starving and maybe Saks had hidden a sandwich in a gaudy purse or a fragrance gift pack.

Also, it was way too crowded to enjoy shoplifting. Really. It felt like work.

So, as much as I adore bullshit, I am not a big fan of these holidays.

Still, I can write about the holidays. In fact, I hardly know where to start. Should I tell you about the parts of It’s A Wonderful Life that give me a raging hard-on? Or how hanging mistletoe from my belt buckle is finally starting to get old? Or how putting a wreath around your dick sounds like a very festive thing to do until those little pine needles start to sting?

Well, I guess I should tell you that I do not have a traditional Christmas tree at all. I did, however, design this Christmas buttplug that I think is very cheerful and that I hope to stuff up some lucky woman’s ass early Christmas morning while carolers sing far below the stoogepen.

But really, Christmas is not about me. Christmas is all about the kids. It’s the children that make Christmas what it is. Really, Santa Claus doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with Jesus. Neither does Rudolph the Alcoholic Reindeer or Frosty the Cokeman. All of those things are for kids. Children love dysfunctional claymation creations and they love presents. Mostly, they love presents. That’s what Christmas is really all about: bling. Toys. Shit.

For the last few years, I have donated toys to a charity for kids. It’s called Toys for Twats™. See, more and more, kids toys are realistic. They celebrate the real world, a world of sex and terrorists and death. Not just videogames, but all toys. Toys for Twats™ gives toys to boys and girls and, for years, I have made my own toys and also purchased toys for this worthwhile charity.

So, here are just a few of my favorite Toys for Twats™ toys from over the years.

Horror Barbie

Recently, I saw this Barbie doll.

This is Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’ Barbie® Doll. This Barbie is in the process of getting pecked to death by birds. That’s right. Barbie takes on a horror role and is being attacked by clawing, eye-pecking, flesh ripping birds. This may be the most awesome Barbie yet!

I hope this is a theme. I hope Barbie does all the great horror films. In case Mattel is looking for any ideas, I suggest Cannibal Holocaust for their next horror film tie-in. I think kids would find that a lot more exciting than The Birds. I mean, The Birds is pretty fucking old and is in black and white, you know? Cannibal Holocaust is pretty old but not quite as old, and at least it is in color.

Of course, you’ll have to supply your own blood.

Stuffed Things

Kids like stuffed shit. I have never understood this. What the fuck is so good about a stuffed thing? Even if it looks like a bear or whatever, it is just a fucking pillow. If you give a kid a pillow, he would look at you like you were out of your fucking mind. But give him a pillow that looks remotely like a dinosaur, and he will carry it with him to his first fucking job interview. Dude, that’s a fucking pillow!

Anyways, I couldn’t see the fascination with pillows, but here is one that caught my attention.

This is the Snugglers for Girls Cinderella. Notice the giant condom-covered cocks in the background with the purple reservoir tips? See, now this is a pillow I think teaches kids something. Safe sex is important.

Anyways, I have made some stuffed pillow-like shit to give to kids, too. And I think my stuffed shit also teaches all sorts of valuable lessons.

And, yes, in case you were wondering, the clit squeaks when you squeeze it.

Dick in the Box

Boys love to play with their own dicks. And this is one of those things that a boy never outgrows.

So, I guess this toy doesn’t really make all that much sense. I guess if I’m ever too old to play with my own dick, I would want a toy dick. And girls don’t have dicks, so this toy might make sense for them. And gay boys might enjoy this toy as well. Oh, who am I kidding. Dicks are just fun. Period. That’s why we tell so many dick jokes. Dicks are just a barrel of laughs. Who needs babies? Dicks are bundles of joy.

But, you know, if you already have a baby or something, here is a dick toy it can play with.

Merry Whatever-the-Fuck-You-Celebrate

Maybe I’ll post something else before Christmas, but the chances are slim. So Merry Fucking Christmas just in case. I know that all of you do not celebrate White Christmas, so Happy Jewish Christmas or Black Christmas or Arab Christmas or whatever the fuck bullshit Christmas you celebrate. And Happy New Year, even though I know some of you have your own goddamn New Year, too.

Oh, this is also the last Christmas that George Bush will be president and Dick Cheney will be Vice President. So, a very special very White Merry Christmas to them. For all they have done for us, I made a very special Christmas tree for them.

That’s all I have to say about Christmas unless I decide to post more toys or something. Who knows, right? In the meantime, if you’re looking to stuff a holiday buttplug up your ass, drop me a line.