And The Winner Is…

Some of you may recall that I hosted the Nude MILF Sweepstakes in an effort to help Crissy win Hottest Mommy Blogger. Well, Crissy won!

Now, I actually have to pick a winner. This is the fucked up part of hosting a sweepstakes.

I’ll tell you the winning number and username, and then I’ll tell you how Blogger’s Choice tried to fuck me up the ass, how I chose the winner with a special guest monitor, and how I’m changing the rules of the Sweepstakes in an arbitrary and meaningless way because I am a prick.

The Winner.

The winner is… number 277, username Soapbox.

You have won all this shit right here:

• A Sony DSC-T300 Cyber-shot® 10-Megapixel Digital Camera - Silver
• A Sony LCS-THM/B Genuine Black Leather Case
• A Sandisk 4GB Memory Stick Pro Duo
• Adobe Photoshop CS3, boxed retail version for Windows
• A signed copy of Melissa Lion’s novel, Swollen, with a personalized message of your choosing inside
• A signed copy of Melissa Lion’s novel, Upstream, with a personalized message of your choosing inside

All you have to do to collect your prizes is contact me using the contact form (or email stooge at this domain) within the next week, meaning within exactly 168 hours from the instant this is posted. Tell me that you won, validate your username, tell me where you first heard about this contest, and you’re done. You get all that stuff. And, just so you know, the blogger that you finger as having told you about this contest wins a Sony Handycam HDR-TG1.

All of you sore fucking losers who did not win should keep reading anyway because, after I tell you how Blogger’s Choice tried to fuck me over, I am going to tell you how the second-chance drawing will work if Soapbox doesn’t contact me in time.

How Blogger’s Choice Tried To Fuck Me Over.

Blogger’s Choice hid the votes of the top three blogs for most of October, except for a very brief time on October 3rd when Crissy moved out of the top three for a few hours. So I couldn’t track the voting. Luckily, I printed out eighteen pages of votes, so I have the usernames of the first 360 voters. Still, I thought this was no big fucking deal, right, because I assumed that, after voting concluded, Blogger’s Choice would make the voters visible again. Wrong. Blogger’s Choice reset everything. We know that Crissy got 578 votes, but I have no idea who cast the last 218 votes.

So, I invited a lawyer to oversee the drawing of the winner. Last night, in the presence of this esteemed attorney, I went to random.org and chose a random integer between 1 and 578. It’s just luck that random.org spit out number 277 because, if it had been any number above 360, I would have been forced to write to Blogger’s Choice and beg them to tell me the username. And they just might have told me to go fuck myself, which I am not opposed to doing but would get me no closer to a winner of all the camera gear sitting in my closet for the past fucking month.

The lawyer who witnessed all of this was Dingo, from asiwassaying.com. She is a member in good standing of the bar so, yo!, she is totally required to be honest.

Yes, I met the beautiful Dingo and also got to meet her dude, Mr. Dingo. After we picked the winner, we went out to dinner and got drunk. Still, they turned down my offer of weed both before and after dinner, and were none too excited about a threesome, either.

Did I mention that Dingo is hot? And I don’t mean hot for a lawyer, either. Anyways, we had a good time at dinner and I may write more about that sometime.

How I Am Changing The Rules.

It occurs to me, first of all, that a bunch of people voted for Crissy without knowing a thing about this contest. They just saw Crissy in the top three, visited the blog, and voted for the MILF. So, those folks would never know they won the sweepstakes. And I will never know who a bunch of those people are.

There is a great chance that Soapbox is not one of those people and will come forward, but I want to be prepared just in case. In the event that Soapbox does not come forward and claim her or his prize, I do not want to draw another number from 578 and have to contact Blogger’s Choice to find out who the fuck won, and maybe have to repeat that process over and over again. So, I am just going to choose from among people who vote for Crissy in the 2009 Hottest Mommy Blogger category. You should all be registered already anyway. If it comes to that, this should be a much smaller pool to choose from. And, for validation, just email stooge at this domain name or use the contact form to tell me what your username is anytime between now and next week. Or leave a comment here with your username. Whatever. That will make identifying the winner a lot faster and I expect the pool to be a lot smaller.

Oh, and if Soapbox does not come forward, I am also just going to pick a winner of the camcorder randomly from among the people who pimped the contest. Here is my list:

• As I Was Saying
• Arjewtino
• Bad Mutha Fudruckers
• Bonj
• Crissy’s Page
• Darkstarian Dissonance
• Golightly
• i hate so much
• I’m a Mom in Real Life
• ken-gilbert.com
• New Life in South Dakota
• no ordinary rollercoaster
• Perfectly Shelly
• Recovering Californian
• Surviving Myself

If I missed you, let me know!  I’m a fuckhead like that.

That’s it.

Rosie Kicked My Ass.

So, it turns out that stoogepie.com was up for Best Celebrity Blog on the Blogger’s Choice Awards. I came in second, after Rosie O’Donnell’s blog. So, Rosie kicked my ass.

Some years ago, when I first laid eyes on Rosie, I may have said, “She could kick my ass.” Well, now she has. Nicely done, Rosie. Nicely done.