Please Vote!

I had hoped to have some brilliant pre-election commentary ready for today but I have been very, very busy.  Hopefully, I will have some post-election coverage for you all.

Or not.  Maybe I will just write about how you, too, can find eager sex partners at your local hospice home.

In the meantime, please vote.  I did, and I live in New York, so my vote is like farting during a fucking hurricane.  And, like I said, I have been very, very busy.  You’re not too busy to vote.

So, please go vote if you haven’t already.

Leave a comment....

Nude MILF Second-Chance Winners

Yesterday, by phone, I chose the winners in the second-chance drawing to the Nude MILF Sweepstakes. Assisting me and keeping me honest this time was the Queen of Fucking Everything herself, Crissy. We also chose a winner for the Nude MILF Pimp Prize.

Here is how we worked it. We communicated by phone and email. Crissy picked a number using random.org from the available winners without telling me. I then emailed her my lists of names. Then, after I pressed “send,” she could tell me the number. She got the email five seconds later and we could both check the winner.

The number for the Nude MILF Sweepstakes was 40, which corresponded to username Blogstalker1 at the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Thanks to you all sending me your usernames beforehand, I knew this was Bonj, aka Shelly’s Mr. Perfectly. Because everyone had sent me their usernames beforehand, we actually put two people in the running whose votes did not show up on Blogger’s Choice because of a glitch they had last Tuesday that lost some votes. But the winning number was up there.

The number chosen for the Nude MILF Pimp Prize was 14, which corresponded on my list of blogs to Melissa Lion. Also, in the list of blogs I showed when announcing the second-chance rules, I mistakenly left out Rachel’s blog, Get Your Freak On, which also pimped the contest. That was included among the entrants, but Melissa Lion’s blog, Recovering Californian, prevailed.

Congratulations to the winners. You’ll get your goodies in the mail before the end of the week.

Now, I know some of you are disappointed. Well, there will be more stoogepie contests in the future, so stay tuned.

Besides, I’m sure you’re all in line to get your share of the $700 billion handout that taxpayers are giving to the people who most need and deserve it.

That’s it for this contest. Congrats to the winners. I feel for those of you who are losers like me. But this country is all about second chances, so stick around.

Leave a comment....

Great Stories of the Bible 1

The Sweepstakes Winner.

So, Soapbox, who won the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, never claimed her or his prize.  On the one hand, I kind of had a feeling this might happen.  On the other hand, I expected to find an email in my inbox right after the deadline because that’s how shit happens.

So, as I said in my last boring entry, now I will choose a second chance winner from the people who have voted for Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger for 2009.  I will choose that winner Tuesday afternoon.  So, this is your last fucking chance.  You must send me your username before the drawing because I have no intention of keeping this camera for another week.  If I don’t know who you are, I will choose another winner.  Period.  After I randomly draw the second-chance winner, I will randomly draw the winner of the camcorder from among the blogs that pimped the contest, so if your blog did not appear among the list in my last boring entry, let me know.  Note that the second-chance winner and the pimping winner have no relation to one another.  That is all.  You have until noon tomorrow to vote.  Do it now and send me your username.  Note that I do not need your password.

Great Stories of the Bible.

I am a big fan of the bible.

Those of you who have been following for a while may be as stoogepious at this point as I am.  If not, I want converts.

So, I have decided that, in order to bring you into the fold, I will illustrate an important bible story every now and then, complete with an explanation of the lessons it teaches us.  Today’s story is the entire 19th chapter of Judges.  It is a great story and teaches us some very valuable lessons.  I have been faithful to the original story.  The only change I have made is to get rid of the extras — a servant boy and two donkeys — but the rest of the story is in there without censorship or embellishment.

Enjoy.

That’s all I have to say about the bible for right now, but stay tuned for more Great Stories of the Bible in the future.

Leave a comment....

And The Winner Is…

Some of you may recall that I hosted the Nude MILF Sweepstakes in an effort to help Crissy win Hottest Mommy Blogger. Well, Crissy won!

Now, I actually have to pick a winner. This is the fucked up part of hosting a sweepstakes.

I’ll tell you the winning number and username, and then I’ll tell you how Blogger’s Choice tried to fuck me up the ass, how I chose the winner with a special guest monitor, and how I’m changing the rules of the Sweepstakes in an arbitrary and meaningless way because I am a prick.

The Winner.

The winner is… number 277, username Soapbox.

You have won all this shit right here:

• A Sony DSC-T300 Cyber-shot® 10-Megapixel Digital Camera - Silver
• A Sony LCS-THM/B Genuine Black Leather Case
• A Sandisk 4GB Memory Stick Pro Duo
• Adobe Photoshop CS3, boxed retail version for Windows
• A signed copy of Melissa Lion’s novel, Swollen, with a personalized message of your choosing inside
• A signed copy of Melissa Lion’s novel, Upstream, with a personalized message of your choosing inside

All you have to do to collect your prizes is contact me using the contact form (or email stooge at this domain) within the next week, meaning within exactly 168 hours from the instant this is posted. Tell me that you won, validate your username, tell me where you first heard about this contest, and you’re done. You get all that stuff. And, just so you know, the blogger that you finger as having told you about this contest wins a Sony Handycam HDR-TG1.

All of you sore fucking losers who did not win should keep reading anyway because, after I tell you how Blogger’s Choice tried to fuck me over, I am going to tell you how the second-chance drawing will work if Soapbox doesn’t contact me in time.

How Blogger’s Choice Tried To Fuck Me Over.

Blogger’s Choice hid the votes of the top three blogs for most of October, except for a very brief time on October 3rd when Crissy moved out of the top three for a few hours. So I couldn’t track the voting. Luckily, I printed out eighteen pages of votes, so I have the usernames of the first 360 voters. Still, I thought this was no big fucking deal, right, because I assumed that, after voting concluded, Blogger’s Choice would make the voters visible again. Wrong. Blogger’s Choice reset everything. We know that Crissy got 578 votes, but I have no idea who cast the last 218 votes.

So, I invited a lawyer to oversee the drawing of the winner. Last night, in the presence of this esteemed attorney, I went to random.org and chose a random integer between 1 and 578. It’s just luck that random.org spit out number 277 because, if it had been any number above 360, I would have been forced to write to Blogger’s Choice and beg them to tell me the username. And they just might have told me to go fuck myself, which I am not opposed to doing but would get me no closer to a winner of all the camera gear sitting in my closet for the past fucking month.

The lawyer who witnessed all of this was Dingo, from asiwassaying.com. She is a member in good standing of the bar so, yo!, she is totally required to be honest.

Yes, I met the beautiful Dingo and also got to meet her dude, Mr. Dingo. After we picked the winner, we went out to dinner and got drunk. Still, they turned down my offer of weed both before and after dinner, and were none too excited about a threesome, either.

Did I mention that Dingo is hot? And I don’t mean hot for a lawyer, either. Anyways, we had a good time at dinner and I may write more about that sometime.

How I Am Changing The Rules.

It occurs to me, first of all, that a bunch of people voted for Crissy without knowing a thing about this contest. They just saw Crissy in the top three, visited the blog, and voted for the MILF. So, those folks would never know they won the sweepstakes. And I will never know who a bunch of those people are.

There is a great chance that Soapbox is not one of those people and will come forward, but I want to be prepared just in case. In the event that Soapbox does not come forward and claim her or his prize, I do not want to draw another number from 578 and have to contact Blogger’s Choice to find out who the fuck won, and maybe have to repeat that process over and over again. So, I am just going to choose from among people who vote for Crissy in the 2009 Hottest Mommy Blogger category. You should all be registered already anyway. If it comes to that, this should be a much smaller pool to choose from. And, for validation, just email stooge at this domain name or use the contact form to tell me what your username is anytime between now and next week. Or leave a comment here with your username. Whatever. That will make identifying the winner a lot faster and I expect the pool to be a lot smaller.

Oh, and if Soapbox does not come forward, I am also just going to pick a winner of the camcorder randomly from among the people who pimped the contest. Here is my list:

• As I Was Saying
• Arjewtino
• Bad Mutha Fudruckers
• Bonj
• Crissy’s Page
• Darkstarian Dissonance
• Golightly
• i hate so much
• I’m a Mom in Real Life
• ken-gilbert.com
• New Life in South Dakota
• no ordinary rollercoaster
• Perfectly Shelly
• Recovering Californian
• Surviving Myself

If I missed you, let me know!  I’m a fuckhead like that.

That’s it.

Rosie Kicked My Ass.

So, it turns out that stoogepie.com was up for Best Celebrity Blog on the Blogger’s Choice Awards. I came in second, after Rosie O’Donnell’s blog. So, Rosie kicked my ass.

Some years ago, when I first laid eyes on Rosie, I may have said, “She could kick my ass.” Well, now she has. Nicely done, Rosie. Nicely done.

Leave a comment....

The Evolution of Porn

So, you have until the fifteenth to vote for Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger and thereby automatically enter to win over $1,200 in sweet camera gear.  Get moving.  Do it!

Enough of these work-friendly political posts.  If you’re at work, go vote for Crissy and then do your fucking work.

So, I was watching porn and eating cake the other day when it occurred to me just how immorally advanced porn has become. First I watched a little of Dirt Pipe Milkshakes #2. But I felt like I was missing something. See, I hadn’t seen the original Dirt Pipe Milkshakes so I thought, hey, maybe I should watch that one first because maybe then I will get a better understanding of these characters’ motivations. Like, what exactly inspires them to get together and fuck? Why do the dudes always cum in the women’s asses? And what, exactly, inspires the women or a girlfriend to suck the cum out of that ass and drink it, thus inspiring the title?

So, second, I watched Fuck Slaves. Actually, I had seen some of this movie before, but I tend to watch porn in like fifteen-minute to half-hour intervals. In one scene in Fuck Slaves, a dude uses a turkey-baster type thing to inject milk into a chick’s ass sort of like a milk enema. Then she squirts it all out onto the tile floor and then licks it up. I’m serious. That’s one of the scenes.

Now, am I wrong, or does Fuck Slaves have a more authentic recipe for dirt pipe milkshakes than Dirt Pipe Milkshakes?

Anyways, it occurred to me that these movies were really high in the evolutionary depravity food chain. Like, you can’t get much nastier than these movies. Oh, you can throw in some bukkake and maybe even a couple of granny amputees and some piss for good measure, but you can’t really ever add all that much to drinking stuff you squirt out of your ass.

To a porn actress, having someone squirt milk up your ass and then drinking it must just be a career killer. I mean, how can you top that? Everything is downhill from then on. Imagine David Blaine suspended naked in the dead of winter upside down over a driving range for sixty days while Tiger Woods takes shots at him. Yeah, I would watch that and I would bring cake, but how could he ever outdo that stunt? He couldn’t.

And, you know, there has been an evolution in porn. Like, some time ago, fucking on film was risqué. Then there were the classics, Deep Throat and Devil in Miss Jones, that everyone thought broke all the barriers. Yeah, they were breakthrough films. But since then, we have ass-to-mouth and full swallowing and gangbangs and creampies and a whole lot more. For those of you who have never seen a bukkake film, let me explain the setup. These movies are really popular in Japan, hence the Japanese name. There have been a few American bukkake movies made, but they pretty much suck. Ha ha. I said they suck. No, I mean, they really do suck. The same way we haven’t been able to take a Japanese horror film like Ring or Ju-on and make a decent American version, American porn makers don’t seem to be up to the simple task of having forty dudes cum on a chick.

Anyways, bukkake works like this: a Japanese woman, often dressed in schoolgirl garb, is in a room with thirty to fifty dudes. They usually stand in one long row in front of her, beating off. They all wear their underwear throughout, which is a nice touch because looking at Japanese dudes’ asses is just not why you watch these films. But mainly it’s because it is illegal to show genitals in Japan. Yes, that’s right, all the cocks and balls and cunts are blurred out if they do show up on camera.

But anyway, all the dudes then cum on the woman or in her mouth. Now, covering the chick with splooge is the point of some of the lamer bukkake films. But in more progressive bukkake, all the cum is collected—she spits it into a bowl or something and it is scraped off her face with spoons—and then, at the end, it is all placed in an impressive laboratory-style beaker. The point of the beaker is, no doubt, so that you can see just how many milliliters of sperm has been collected. It usually looks like two or three cups. That is a lot of sperm. And then, she takes the beaker and drinks the whole lot of it. Yum! And, when she’s done, she holds up the empty beaker at the camera and smiles one of those Ovaltine smiles.

So, think about how far we have come in the 36 years since Deep Throat. And, watching the chick who squirted milk out of her ass and then lapped it up, I found myself wondering, what the fuck could be the next thing to come in porn? How can porn outdo itself?

I have some ideas.

But there is a point where it gets to be too much. You know? And then it’s just unwatchable. Because, believe it or not, eventually it seems like it could get a little gross. Like, I don’t even want to think about pookkake.

And then people will just get sick of porn. And then what?

Here is what. Pussies will come back in style. That’s right. Good old-fashioned pussy fucking will make a comeback. It will look something like this.

That’s all I have to say about the evolution of porn.

Leave a comment....