No Country for Young Men

Where the fuck have I been?  Was I sleeping?  Had I slept?

First of all, if you haven’t already voted in for Crissy as Hottest Mommy Blogger, do it now!  Right now! You don’t even have to come back here when you’re done.  By voting, you are automatically entered into the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, with really good chance to win over $1,200 in sweet camera gear and personalized books.  Read about that by clicking here. But go vote.  Do it now.

So, where the fuck have I been?  I have been busy as hell on a big artistic project.  I can’t really talk about the project, but I have literally over a thousand items related to this project, all listed in neat order, to complete by October 14th.  So I have been working long hours, staying in hotels around this beautiful nation but not sleeping much, and taking way too many fucking stimulants to keep it all rocking.

I was going to post about that shit and in general the terrible effects that hotels and drugs have on me.  But really, you don’t want to read about how speed makes me paranoid and heroin is like a fucking superlaxative for me, do you?  Nah.

I wrote another post and even drew the pictures, but it really sucked ass.  Really.  I don’t know why.  Maybe the drugs and the booze and shitting all the time.  I don’t know.

So, here is my post.  I post it reluctantly.  I really didn’t want to post this one until later but it’s high time I posted some fucking thing.  I’ll fix up the other post I worked on and post that soon, too.  It was really a funny idea, but the execution was straight out of junior high.

Yeah, that’s all I got.

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Mister Shorts and the Nude MILF Pimp Prize

If you don’t give a shit about the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, you can scroll right down to Mister Shorts.

First of all, you have all been great. We are on our way to winning the Hottest Mommy Blogger for Crissy and getting those nude pictures. I know that, in no particular order, Crissy, Ken, Dingo, Maxie, Adminderella, Chris, Melissa and Ben have pimped the contest. If I missed you, I apologize. It is late and I am pretty goddamn fucked up. Melissa even added to the pot by offering signed and personalized copies of her novels Swollen and Upsteam.

Second of all, I have renamed the Nude MILF Contest the Nude MILF Sweepstakes because apparently there is a fucking difference.

Anyways, you have all been fucking excellent but a little more incentive never hurt.

In my last post, I promised that I would come up with a sweet prize for the blog that successfully pimped this contest to the winner. Well, I am ready to tell you what that prize is.

Rachel, Chris, and others expressed great interest in a camera. Too bad. I’m all the fuck out of cameras.

But I keep my promises. I have something that might be just as good.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to the Sony Handycam HDR-TG1. According to J&R Music World, this baby has a list price of $899. That’s right. Do I have your attention yet?

This camcorder is the world’s smallest full HD camcorder. You really can carry it everywhere with you. Although it is only a tiny bit taller than a digital camera, it still boasts a swing-out 2.7” LCD. It runs entirely on memory sticks and comes with 4GB of memory. It shoots in true HD, is all touch screen, and has a body made of fucking titanium. The damn thing does surround sound and has face detection. It will take 4-megapixel stills, so you might not even need a goddamn digital camera if you win this.

For those of you outside of North America, it’s NTSC. Sorry, but I do not have an unlimited supply of these so I can’t get you PAL. Quit your goddamn moaning and sell it on fucking ebay if you win it.

So, how do you win? You pimp this contest. You can, as I explained in my last post, act like you’re holding the contest without mentioning this website. Or you can link here or do it however the fuck you want. If you link, please use the abbreviated link—http://www.stoogepie.com/index.php/stooge/more/nude_milf_sweepstakes/. It makes for easier, faster voting and it complies with all the laws in the universe.

Also, I have upped the ante and thrown in a copy of Photoshop CS3 for Windows. (If you’re a Mac user and insist, I will get you the Mac version instead.) Dingo made me do it. Seriously. In emails she said that, if she were getting a sweet camera, she would want Photoshop. She is, indeed, the mistress of Photoshop so I had to pull a copy of Photoshop off the shelf for her.

Anyways, when I select a winner of the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, I will ask the winner where he or she heard about the contest. If they say they heard about it first from your site, you win the camcorder. And I don’t care if they are your brother-in-law and they lie to keep all the goodies in the family.

Some rules:

First, you must have a blog at the time this entry is posted. I don’t want people starting brand new blogs with no readers just so that, if they win the main contest, they can tell their brother-in-law to get them the camcorder. If there is any question, you must be able to demonstrate to me that you actually had a blog when I posted this entry. For most of you, this will not be an issue.

Second, you must actually pimp this contest on your blog. Whether you mention this website or call it the Nude MILF Sweepstakes or whatever doesn’t matter. As I said in the last post, you can pimp the contest as your own, but you must pimp the contest. In practice, I don’t care if you announce the contest at church and tell everyone to say they read about it on your blog. I don’t care if you take out an ad on Craigslist or hand out flyers, and tell people how to answer the question about where they first heard about the contest. By all means, market the contest. Get votes any way you can. But you must at least mention the contest on your blog to win the camcorder. If we get down to the wire on Blogger’s Choice and we need a surge to bring us over the top, I may borrow some adwords impressions from my shop. A click-through from your site is not enough to win the camcorder. It is, though, as long as you actually pimp the contest.

Finally, if the winner of the Nude MILF Sweepstakes says that he heard about the contest from my website or some non-pimping source, I will hold a follow-up sweepstakes limited to blogs that pimped the contest. That means I will need to know that you pimped the contest. The easiest way to do this is to leave a comment here because I am not going to ask. Seriously, how fucking hard do I need to work to give away a sweet fucking camcorder? Your odds of winning will be, what? Like twenty or thirty to one?

Oh, and I am the only person ineligible to win the camcorder. Crissy and Ken are eligible. I think that’s fair since they have both worked pretty hard to pull in the votes and since we would all get some pleasure out of their use of this nifty little device. And they should keep pushing for votes, too.

Finally, if you’re a regular reader and not a blogger or you are just not interested in pimping the contest, please take some time to visit the websites of the people who comment here and the blogs in my bloghole. Then, if you win the contest, you can lie and say you heard about the contest from them. As long as they pimped the contest, it’s an easy way to hand a blogger you like an awesome camcorder.

One more thing: my decision is final. About every fucking thing.

And, yes, you can win both the camera and the camcorder, you greedy, lucky fuck. If you win the camera and pimped the contest, you get both.

In case you can’t tell, I am dead fucking serious about winning Hottest Mommy Blogger for Crissy.

Now, Mister Shorts has something to say.

This Mister Shorts comic had nothing at all to do with the contest, in case you have any ideas.

That is all.

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Nude MILF Sweepstakes

If you are only here to enter the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, it’s simple.

How To Enter:

1. Click here to register at the Blogger’s Choice Awards (it takes five minutes).
2. Click here after registration is complete to vote for crissyspage.com for the Hottest Mommy Blogger category. One of the people who votes for crissyspage.com will be randomly selected to win.

That’s it. You are registered to win. Have your friends and family enter for more chances to win. Enter as often as you like to increase your chances.  Odds of winning as I post this are about 120 to one for each entry.

Remember to check back around October 16, when I expect voting will be closed, to see if you won. You will need to contact me if you are the winner. Remember, I cannot notify you any other way: Blogger’s Choice Awards does not make email addresses public. If you register here at stoogepie.com, I will email all registered users the number and Blogger’s Choice username of the winner immediately after the drawing, but you will still need to contact me if you win.

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. OPEN TO ALL PERSONS LEGALLY ABLE TO VOTE IN THE BLOGGER’S CHOICE AWARDS. Sweepstakes ends when Blogger Choice Awards voting closes (expected date is October 15, 2008). Sponsor: stoogepie.com.

For the complete Official Rules, click here.

For the backstory on why I am holding this sweepstakes and why it is named the “Nude MILF Sweepstakes” (it was formerly called the “Nude MILF Contest” but apparently there is a difference), click here.

The Prizes:

There will be one randomly selected Grand Prize Winner who will win:

(1) A Sony DSC-T300 Cyber-shot® 10-Megapixel Digital Camera - Silver (list price $499.99, according to J&R Music World);
(2) A Sony LCS-THM/B Genuine Black Leather Case (list price $49.99, according to J&R Music World);
(3) A Sandisk 4GB Memory Stick Pro Duo (list price $39.99, according to J&R Music World);
(4) Adobe Photoshop CS3, boxed retail version for Windows (list price $649.00, according to J&R Music World) (may be shipped within North America only);
(5) A signed copy of Melissa Lion‘s novel, Swollen (list price $6.50 according to Amazon) with a personalized message of your choosing inside that makes it priceless; and
(6) A signed copy of Melissa Lion‘s novel, Upstream (list price $8.95 at Amazon) with a personalized message of your choosing inside that makes it priceless.

Total Approximate Retail Value: $1,254.42.

Enter now!

Go on! Vote!

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The Nude MILF Contest

It’s time for a contest, doncha think?

Welcome to the Stoogepie’s Nude MILF Contest.

First, what you win, all brand new and unopened in original packaging:

A Sony DSC-T300 Cyber-shot® 10-Megapixel Digital Camera - Silver—list price $499.99, according to J&R Music World.

A Sony LCS-THM/B Genuine Black Leather Case—list price $49.99, according to J&R Music World (where it is temporarily out of stock).

A Sandisk 4GB Memory Stick Pro Duo—list price $39.99, according to J&R Music World.

Total Retail Value: $589.97! Damn, this is a serious fucking contest!  And, really, this camera is sweet. Go read up on it at J&R Music World or wherever.  It is pretty goddamn fancy.

Bloggers: you can also host this contest to drive traffic to your site and maybe win something yourself! Read on to find out how.

The Backstory on the Prizes.

I work at a creative shop. I get freebies sometimes, and they come in two varieties. Sometimes it is shit from clients who love the fuck out of me. And sometimes it is shit from manufacturers who are not clients, but who want for me to convince my bosses to buy their pen tablet or their monitor or their 3D mouse.

Usually, I just give this shit to the unsung service people, like the secretaries and receptionists and cleaning ladies, who have to put up with my constant bitching and whining and temper tantrums and requests for blowjobs. I think they, in turn, sell it on ebay.

This time, I got a digital camera.

Now, lest you think that I have not got anything invested in this contest, I did shoplift pick up the case and memory stick on my own. Nobody gave those to me. To make this an exciting and full-featured contest, I wanted to have a package. So there you have it.

The Backstory on the Contest.

I don’t really want this camera. And I could probably have just given it to a receptionist to sell on ebay. But, a while back, on May 16, Crissy, on her hubby Ken’s Website, made the terrible mistake of saying that if she won the Hottest Mommy Blogger award in the 2008 Bloggers Choice Awards, she would pose naked on her blog.

I will do everything I can to make her live up to that promise.

Crissy may never speak to me again.  She has absolutely nothing to do with this contest and did not know about it.

But, seriously, check it out.  As I write this, Dooce is number two. That’s just wrong, peoples. (Well, actually, to take a Dooce means to take a number two, so maybe that’s right.) I have nothing against Pioneer Woman, who is currently number one, and I’m sure her blog is just awesome but she is simply not as hot as Crissy.

Hence, you can have ridiculously good odds of winning nearly $600 worth of shit from me. And I don’t even care about the traffic, so you can pimp this contest on your own blog without even mentioning this website.

How to enter.

You may have already entered because, to enter, all you need to do is vote for Crissy as Hottest Mommy Blogger. It’s that simple.  You may need to register at Blogger’s Choice to vote, but you don’t give them any personal info besides your email address. Make sure you save your password when you register. (Just in case, Blogger’s Choice emails your password to you, so you can just save that email.)

After the voting closes for Hottest Mommy Blogger closes, on or about October 15, 2008, I will go to random.org and select a random number from the number of votes cast for Crissy, and then announce the winner. It will be up to you to contact me telling me you won. But please read on because, in order to verify that you actually won, you will need to send me your password at the Blogger’s Choice Awards.

I will repeat that: if you win and only if you win this contest, in order to verify that you actually won, you will need to send me your password at the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Listen, voting will be closed at that point and your Blogger’s Choice account will be useless until the following year. This is the only way I can verify that you are the winning entry. I could get 500 emails saying, “I am the person who cast vote number 107.” Before you send me your password, you can log on and change it (just in case you use the same password in a lot of accounts). After you send me your password, I will log in, verify that you are, indeed, the winner of the contest, log out, notify you immediately, and send you your prizes. You can log in as soon as I notify you and change your password again. Fuck, if you want, you can wait a few days and take a picture of yourself changing your password with your brand spanking new fucking camera. And your Blogger’s Choice account contains no personal information whatsoever. Even after I log in, you will need to send me your address so I can send you your goddamn camera.

Think about it. If, let’s say, a few hundred people enter this contest, your odds of winning almost $600 worth of gear are a couple of hundred to one.

How Other Bloggers Can Join In.

Like I said, I really don’t care about traffic or props for running this contest. I at least want for Crissy to make it to the first page, and I win if Crissy wins because then she has to pose nude on her website.

So, you can run this contest, too. On your website. Without even mentioning me or this website at all.

Just announce the contest and the rules on your site. You can act like you are running this contest, not me. You can call the contest any goddamn thing you like. The “I Hate Dooce Contest” sounds good to me. Or the “Fix The Blogger’s Choice Awards Contest.” Whatev.

Make sure you state the requirement that the winner will have to send her or his password for identity verification.

If you host the contest, you must let me know. Email me or use the contact form to let me know that you are hosting the contest. That way, I can send you the number that I choose and you can announce the winner at the same time I do. If the winner contacts you through your blog, the camera will be sent to the winner with a note thanking him or her for entering your contest on your blog. This website will never be mentioned.  As soon as the winner is identified, I will send all the blogs participating the name of that winner so we can all announce the winner.

Also, I will come up with a sweet prize for the winning blog. I don’t know what yet, but it will be good. I promise.

Here are product shots you can use on your blog.

Fine Print.

I am not eligible to win, and neither are Crissy and Ken. Bloggers who host the contest are eligible to win, although they will have to figure out a way to explain to their readers how they picked their own goddamn number in a contest they hosted. Everyone else on the goddamn planet is eligible to win. I don’t care if everyone in your family enters eight times.

Also, if Crissy or Ken hosts the contest, each can win whatever sweet prize I come up with for the winning blog.

The contest will go on until voting closes at the Blogger’s Choice Awards.  It is supposed to close on October 15th, 2008, but I have no fucking control over that.  So, if they don’t close voting until December 15th, the contest will end then.

The winner will have one week to contact me or any other blog she or he entered through. After that, that winner is disqualified. I will choose a new winner and the process will start all over again. In addition, if the winner refuses to provide a password to his or her Blogger’s Choice account, he or she is disqualified. A new winner will be chosen and the process will start all over again. But someone is going to win this fucking camera.

Void where prohibited by law, yadda yadda yadda. If winning a camera is against the law where you are, you better tell me because how the fuck would I know? But you know what? Take a stand, damnit! That’s an unjust law! By entering this contest in spite of that unjust law, you can be the Rosa Parks of camera contests! Do it! Vote!

Is it obvious that Sony, Sandisk, J&R Music World, and anybody else respectable has nothing to do with this contest? Really, this is stoogepie’s Nude MILF Contest.  Nobody else is to blame.

If I have forgotten anything, let me know. This is my first contest so maybe there is some important shit I forgot to mention here. If some bizarre shit happens that I have not accounted for here—like two people somehow provide me with the winning password—my decision is final. Period.

That’s all I have to say about the Nude MILF Contest, except that your prizes may have a little bit of cat hair and cake and splooge on them after a month in the stoogepen. But they are sealed in boxes, so live with it, you fucking whiney goddamn bitches.  Maybe I’ll throw them in baggies right now.

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President Sarah Palin

I wrote a really long post about John McCain and Sarah Palin, but I’m not going to post it. I will be posting that in bits and pieces because it was way too fucking long to post in one sitting. A lot of the post has to do with Bristol Palin because I am in a really good position to write about fundamentalist redneck teens fucking and making new fundamentalist rednecks.

In this post, I will only cover the basics and not really go into Slutpuppy Bristol and her Redneck Baby Daddy.

On August 29, 2008, John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate in the race for president. Sarah Palin has been governor of Alaska for two years and, before that, was perhaps the worst mayor the tiny town of Wasilla had ever had. She was almost recalled as mayor but lasted until she ran for governor. When she became mayor, Wasilla had a budget of $3.9 million and zero debt. Sarah Palin, whom McCain calls a reformer, fiscal conservative, and “tough minded budget cutter,” left the tiny town six years later with a $5.8 million dollar budget and $20 million in debt—about $3,000 per resident—in spite of getting about $27 million in earmarks with the help of a hired Washington lobbyist. So, she’s a tough-minded budget cutter and fiscal conservative just like George W. Bush has been!

As for her being a reformer, well, yeah, as mayor of Wasilla she did fire the town librarian after asking the librarian to censor library books. At the same time, she fired the sheriff because he had supported her rival in the preceding election. And then there is TrooperGate. See, Sarah Palin’s sister had a pretty nasty divorce and her husband was a state trooper. So, naturally, as soon as she became governor, Palin told the top law enforcement official in the state, the Safety Commissioner, to fire her ex-brother-in-law. He refused, so Palin fired the Safety Commissioner instead.

In that investigation, Palin is refusing to turn over 1,100 emails, citing the Deliberative Process and Executive Privilege. Now, many of these emails can’t have anything at all to do with governing Alaska. For instance, a series of the emails have the subject heading “re Andrew Halcro.” Andrew Halcro is a blogger who ran against Palin as an independent in the 2006 governor’s race and his blog has since been pretty critical of Palin. What could emails about him have to do with governing Alaska? Before you come up with some excuse, Todd Palin is copied on a lot of these “privileged” emails. Here is a page from the privilege log. Todd Palin, Sarah’s husband, is not an elected official. He works for BP, the oil company. So, how can emails he is copied on ever be privileged? They can’t. But Palin only needs to keep them secret for two more months. Does Sarah Palin sound more and more like Dick Cheney to you?

The big problem is that, from an actuarial perspective, Sarah Palin is very likely to become president if McCain is elected president. First, McCain is 72 years old, so it’s anybody’s guess whether he will even survive until November. And he has survived multiple bouts with cancer in those 72 years. But let’s face it: it’s a miracle that McCain has survived this long, because we all know that government-controlled healthcare doesn’t work.

See, for all of McCain’s 72 years, McCain has had government-controlled health care. His father was an admiral so, as a child until he went to Vietnam, he had government-controlled health care. Then during Vietnam, he obviously had government-run healthcare. After Vietnam, he had veterans’ benefits when they still provided adequate health care. Then, once he became a congressman, he became entitled to the congressional health care package, which is, of course, run entirely by the government. And neither he nor his millionaire wife has ever complained about their ”government-run health care system where a bureaucrat stands between you and your doctor,” but that doesn’t mean he isn’t right on the money. Why else would he so vehemently oppose giving you the same benefit he has enjoyed his entire life? McCain must know he is on the verge of death thanks to 72 years of government-run healthcare with a bureaucrat standing between him and his doctor.

So, before you vote for McCain, it’s a good thing to try to envision what a Palin presidency would look like. Unfortunately, besides the information I’ve already talked about, we don’t have much to go on. Well, there are the statements that both McCain and Palin have made but, as Paul Krugman of the New York Times said, “I can’t think of any precedent, at least in America, for the blizzard of lies since the Republican convention.... [T]he McCain campaign keeps making assertions that anyone with an Internet connection can disprove in a minute, and repeating these assertions over and over again.” We can’t trust a lot of what they say because, really, they have lied and lied and lied.

But we do know that Palin is a fundamentalist Christian who, like many fundamentalist Christians, is fine with telling demonstrable falsehoods. She believes “in a literal translation of the Bible.” That is, the bible is all true. That shit really happened exactly as it’s written.

So, I think Sarah Palin might have some radical ideas about how we should run this country. For instance, when it comes to national defense.

Palin also might be just the person to innovate when it comes to both social and environmental issues.

Palin also has an interesting take on global warming.

Since it looks like McCain stands a good chance of winning because the American people love lies almost as much as they love war, we should get to see soon enough how Palin governs as president.

That’s not all I have to say about Palin but that’s all I’ll say about her right now.

Coming soon, Mister Shorts. And even before that, my very first contest ever: the Nude MILF Contest! Check back, because I’ll be giving away some serious prizes worth more than $500! No shit!

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