Mister Shorts Number 9

So, it’s time for a Mister Shorts. But first, stoogepie’s sad tale of credit card woe.

I lost a fucking credit card a few weeks ago. Maybe I left it at a bakery in the West Village when I made a pretty goddamn large baked goods purchase. I don’t fucking know. I went back to that bakery but I didn’t even ask the baker chicks about the credit card. I just bought some more cake and left.

I called the credit card company because, yo, that is what you do when you lose your credit card. It is not like when you lose your virginity or your mind and you just say, “Well fuck me. I will never get that shit back.” And it is not like when you lose your girlfriend or your wad and you just say, “Whatev. It will take me twenty minutes to replace that.” When you lose your credit card, you have to call the credit card company and tell them your sad tale of credit card woe and answer a bunch of questions and then it’s up to them whether or not to send you a brand stinking new credit card. I had never lost a credit card before, so I was kind of nervous about this.

So, you know, I called the credit card company over in Calcutta or wherever and told them I lost my credit card, and I got a very nice plastic lady who told me that, fuck my sorry ass, it looked like someone had been using my card to make illegal purchases. She asked me when I had lost it and I said I did not know. Maybe a few weeks ago. I thought it was on my desk or at the dry cleaners or fucking an ATM machine or what the hell ever. How should I know? My credit card has a mind of its own.

So the very nice plastic lady said, well, it looks like there is some suspicious charge activity, so let’s go back a month or so. And she said, “There is a charge for a website, it looks like some kind of adult website.” And I asked which site. And she told me and I said, “yeah, that’s the one with the ass smoothies that Ken turned me on to a while back. Nah, that was me.” See, I have that credit card in AutoFill in my Google Toolbar, so I just click to use it. I don’t need actual plastic at all. I might have lost the card by then, but who the fuck knows?

Anyways, the nice plastic lady goes through like fifteen more porn purchases and a few cake purchases until we got to that last live purchase at the bakery, and then just more online porn. And at the end of the call, the lady actually asks me, “Do you work in the pornography industry or something? That is a lot of porn.” And I said, yeah, I am a porno dude. If she watches porn, she might even recognize my dick. It’s the veiny reddish one that tilts up and to the right at the head. And then she just said my new card will arrive in a couple of days and hung up on me.

I got the card and promised myself that, this time, my signature on the back would not look like I took ten meth tabs, then dug my eyes out with a spoon, and then signed with my left hand while jerking off with my right. But that did not happen.

I won’t even tell you about how both graphics cards in my computer failed last week because that is even more fucking boring than my tale of credit card woe. But I will say this: good day, graphics cards! I said, good day!

That’s all I have to say about woe is me and all that shit. Next time, I will have a comic so badass you will not even get past the first fucking panel before you rub one off.

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Stoogepiety: The Stoogepie Story

I have been gone a long time, I know. When it is a very long time between posts, people write me emails.  Which I ignore.

If you wrote me an email, it might have had a subject something like this: “It has been a long time since you posted.”  I did not respond.  Here is my response:  Oh, fucking really?

But I also get some emails that ask other things.  I recently received an email in which a reader made an astute observation. She or he noted that there is not a lot of personal information about me on my blog. Unlike other blogs — which can be very personal — I mostly write about the bible and Teenslut Slumber Party Zombie Massacres, and I write books for children. While the email noted this fact without actually complaining about the content on this blog, it then went on to quiz me about my personal life and who I really am.

So, rather than answering that email — which I did not do — I will give you a sneak peek into my personal life without either filtering or embellishing things as they actually, truly happened. What you are about to read is 100% factually accurate down to the finest detail.

I hope you are somewhat enlightened now and know more about me.  You can read my earlier post called Stoogepiety: In The Beginning if you must know more.

So, yeah, after all that time without posting, I didn’t have anything ready so I just threw some shit together.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say about my big dick for right now, but you can be sure it will come up again.

Ha ha.

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