And The Winner Is…

Some of you may recall that I hosted the Nude MILF Sweepstakes in an effort to help Crissy win Hottest Mommy Blogger. Well, Crissy won!

Now, I actually have to pick a winner. This is the fucked up part of hosting a sweepstakes.

I’ll tell you the winning number and username, and then I’ll tell you how Blogger’s Choice tried to fuck me up the ass, how I chose the winner with a special guest monitor, and how I’m changing the rules of the Sweepstakes in an arbitrary and meaningless way because I am a prick.

The Winner.

The winner is… number 277, username Soapbox.

You have won all this shit right here:

• A Sony DSC-T300 Cyber-shot® 10-Megapixel Digital Camera - Silver
• A Sony LCS-THM/B Genuine Black Leather Case
• A Sandisk 4GB Memory Stick Pro Duo
• Adobe Photoshop CS3, boxed retail version for Windows
• A signed copy of Melissa Lion’s novel, Swollen, with a personalized message of your choosing inside
• A signed copy of Melissa Lion’s novel, Upstream, with a personalized message of your choosing inside

All you have to do to collect your prizes is contact me using the contact form (or email stooge at this domain) within the next week, meaning within exactly 168 hours from the instant this is posted. Tell me that you won, validate your username, tell me where you first heard about this contest, and you’re done. You get all that stuff. And, just so you know, the blogger that you finger as having told you about this contest wins a Sony Handycam HDR-TG1.

All of you sore fucking losers who did not win should keep reading anyway because, after I tell you how Blogger’s Choice tried to fuck me over, I am going to tell you how the second-chance drawing will work if Soapbox doesn’t contact me in time.

How Blogger’s Choice Tried To Fuck Me Over.

Blogger’s Choice hid the votes of the top three blogs for most of October, except for a very brief time on October 3rd when Crissy moved out of the top three for a few hours. So I couldn’t track the voting. Luckily, I printed out eighteen pages of votes, so I have the usernames of the first 360 voters. Still, I thought this was no big fucking deal, right, because I assumed that, after voting concluded, Blogger’s Choice would make the voters visible again. Wrong. Blogger’s Choice reset everything. We know that Crissy got 578 votes, but I have no idea who cast the last 218 votes.

So, I invited a lawyer to oversee the drawing of the winner. Last night, in the presence of this esteemed attorney, I went to random.org and chose a random integer between 1 and 578. It’s just luck that random.org spit out number 277 because, if it had been any number above 360, I would have been forced to write to Blogger’s Choice and beg them to tell me the username. And they just might have told me to go fuck myself, which I am not opposed to doing but would get me no closer to a winner of all the camera gear sitting in my closet for the past fucking month.

The lawyer who witnessed all of this was Dingo, from asiwassaying.com. She is a member in good standing of the bar so, yo!, she is totally required to be honest.

Yes, I met the beautiful Dingo and also got to meet her dude, Mr. Dingo. After we picked the winner, we went out to dinner and got drunk. Still, they turned down my offer of weed both before and after dinner, and were none too excited about a threesome, either.

Did I mention that Dingo is hot? And I don’t mean hot for a lawyer, either. Anyways, we had a good time at dinner and I may write more about that sometime.

How I Am Changing The Rules.

It occurs to me, first of all, that a bunch of people voted for Crissy without knowing a thing about this contest. They just saw Crissy in the top three, visited the blog, and voted for the MILF. So, those folks would never know they won the sweepstakes. And I will never know who a bunch of those people are.

There is a great chance that Soapbox is not one of those people and will come forward, but I want to be prepared just in case. In the event that Soapbox does not come forward and claim her or his prize, I do not want to draw another number from 578 and have to contact Blogger’s Choice to find out who the fuck won, and maybe have to repeat that process over and over again. So, I am just going to choose from among people who vote for Crissy in the 2009 Hottest Mommy Blogger category. You should all be registered already anyway. If it comes to that, this should be a much smaller pool to choose from. And, for validation, just email stooge at this domain name or use the contact form to tell me what your username is anytime between now and next week. Or leave a comment here with your username. Whatever. That will make identifying the winner a lot faster and I expect the pool to be a lot smaller.

Oh, and if Soapbox does not come forward, I am also just going to pick a winner of the camcorder randomly from among the people who pimped the contest. Here is my list:

• As I Was Saying
• Arjewtino
• Bad Mutha Fudruckers
• Bonj
• Crissy’s Page
• Darkstarian Dissonance
• Golightly
• i hate so much
• I’m a Mom in Real Life
• ken-gilbert.com
• New Life in South Dakota
• no ordinary rollercoaster
• Perfectly Shelly
• Recovering Californian
• Surviving Myself

If I missed you, let me know!  I’m a fuckhead like that.

That’s it.

Rosie Kicked My Ass.

So, it turns out that stoogepie.com was up for Best Celebrity Blog on the Blogger’s Choice Awards. I came in second, after Rosie O’Donnell’s blog. So, Rosie kicked my ass.

Some years ago, when I first laid eyes on Rosie, I may have said, “She could kick my ass.” Well, now she has. Nicely done, Rosie. Nicely done.

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The Evolution of Porn

So, you have until the fifteenth to vote for Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger and thereby automatically enter to win over $1,200 in sweet camera gear.  Get moving.  Do it!

Enough of these work-friendly political posts.  If you’re at work, go vote for Crissy and then do your fucking work.

So, I was watching porn and eating cake the other day when it occurred to me just how immorally advanced porn has become. First I watched a little of Dirt Pipe Milkshakes #2. But I felt like I was missing something. See, I hadn’t seen the original Dirt Pipe Milkshakes so I thought, hey, maybe I should watch that one first because maybe then I will get a better understanding of these characters’ motivations. Like, what exactly inspires them to get together and fuck? Why do the dudes always cum in the women’s asses? And what, exactly, inspires the women or a girlfriend to suck the cum out of that ass and drink it, thus inspiring the title?

So, second, I watched Fuck Slaves. Actually, I had seen some of this movie before, but I tend to watch porn in like fifteen-minute to half-hour intervals. In one scene in Fuck Slaves, a dude uses a turkey-baster type thing to inject milk into a chick’s ass sort of like a milk enema. Then she squirts it all out onto the tile floor and then licks it up. I’m serious. That’s one of the scenes.

Now, am I wrong, or does Fuck Slaves have a more authentic recipe for dirt pipe milkshakes than Dirt Pipe Milkshakes?

Anyways, it occurred to me that these movies were really high in the evolutionary depravity food chain. Like, you can’t get much nastier than these movies. Oh, you can throw in some bukkake and maybe even a couple of granny amputees and some piss for good measure, but you can’t really ever add all that much to drinking stuff you squirt out of your ass.

To a porn actress, having someone squirt milk up your ass and then drinking it must just be a career killer. I mean, how can you top that? Everything is downhill from then on. Imagine David Blaine suspended naked in the dead of winter upside down over a driving range for sixty days while Tiger Woods takes shots at him. Yeah, I would watch that and I would bring cake, but how could he ever outdo that stunt? He couldn’t.

And, you know, there has been an evolution in porn. Like, some time ago, fucking on film was risqué. Then there were the classics, Deep Throat and Devil in Miss Jones, that everyone thought broke all the barriers. Yeah, they were breakthrough films. But since then, we have ass-to-mouth and full swallowing and gangbangs and creampies and a whole lot more. For those of you who have never seen a bukkake film, let me explain the setup. These movies are really popular in Japan, hence the Japanese name. There have been a few American bukkake movies made, but they pretty much suck. Ha ha. I said they suck. No, I mean, they really do suck. The same way we haven’t been able to take a Japanese horror film like Ring or Ju-on and make a decent American version, American porn makers don’t seem to be up to the simple task of having forty dudes cum on a chick.

Anyways, bukkake works like this: a Japanese woman, often dressed in schoolgirl garb, is in a room with thirty to fifty dudes. They usually stand in one long row in front of her, beating off. They all wear their underwear throughout, which is a nice touch because looking at Japanese dudes’ asses is just not why you watch these films. But mainly it’s because it is illegal to show genitals in Japan. Yes, that’s right, all the cocks and balls and cunts are blurred out if they do show up on camera.

But anyway, all the dudes then cum on the woman or in her mouth. Now, covering the chick with splooge is the point of some of the lamer bukkake films. But in more progressive bukkake, all the cum is collected—she spits it into a bowl or something and it is scraped off her face with spoons—and then, at the end, it is all placed in an impressive laboratory-style beaker. The point of the beaker is, no doubt, so that you can see just how many milliliters of sperm has been collected. It usually looks like two or three cups. That is a lot of sperm. And then, she takes the beaker and drinks the whole lot of it. Yum! And, when she’s done, she holds up the empty beaker at the camera and smiles one of those Ovaltine smiles.

So, think about how far we have come in the 36 years since Deep Throat. And, watching the chick who squirted milk out of her ass and then lapped it up, I found myself wondering, what the fuck could be the next thing to come in porn? How can porn outdo itself?

I have some ideas.

But there is a point where it gets to be too much. You know? And then it’s just unwatchable. Because, believe it or not, eventually it seems like it could get a little gross. Like, I don’t even want to think about pookkake.

And then people will just get sick of porn. And then what?

Here is what. Pussies will come back in style. That’s right. Good old-fashioned pussy fucking will make a comeback. It will look something like this.

That’s all I have to say about the evolution of porn.

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No Country for Young Men

Where the fuck have I been?  Was I sleeping?  Had I slept?

First of all, if you haven’t already voted in for Crissy as Hottest Mommy Blogger, do it now!  Right now! You don’t even have to come back here when you’re done.  By voting, you are automatically entered into the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, with really good chance to win over $1,200 in sweet camera gear and personalized books.  Read about that by clicking here. But go vote.  Do it now.

So, where the fuck have I been?  I have been busy as hell on a big artistic project.  I can’t really talk about the project, but I have literally over a thousand items related to this project, all listed in neat order, to complete by October 14th.  So I have been working long hours, staying in hotels around this beautiful nation but not sleeping much, and taking way too many fucking stimulants to keep it all rocking.

I was going to post about that shit and in general the terrible effects that hotels and drugs have on me.  But really, you don’t want to read about how speed makes me paranoid and heroin is like a fucking superlaxative for me, do you?  Nah.

I wrote another post and even drew the pictures, but it really sucked ass.  Really.  I don’t know why.  Maybe the drugs and the booze and shitting all the time.  I don’t know.

So, here is my post.  I post it reluctantly.  I really didn’t want to post this one until later but it’s high time I posted some fucking thing.  I’ll fix up the other post I worked on and post that soon, too.  It was really a funny idea, but the execution was straight out of junior high.

Yeah, that’s all I got.

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Mister Shorts and the Nude MILF Pimp Prize

If you don’t give a shit about the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, you can scroll right down to Mister Shorts.

First of all, you have all been great. We are on our way to winning the Hottest Mommy Blogger for Crissy and getting those nude pictures. I know that, in no particular order, Crissy, Ken, Dingo, Maxie, Adminderella, Chris, Melissa and Ben have pimped the contest. If I missed you, I apologize. It is late and I am pretty goddamn fucked up. Melissa even added to the pot by offering signed and personalized copies of her novels Swollen and Upsteam.

Second of all, I have renamed the Nude MILF Contest the Nude MILF Sweepstakes because apparently there is a fucking difference.

Anyways, you have all been fucking excellent but a little more incentive never hurt.

In my last post, I promised that I would come up with a sweet prize for the blog that successfully pimped this contest to the winner. Well, I am ready to tell you what that prize is.

Rachel, Chris, and others expressed great interest in a camera. Too bad. I’m all the fuck out of cameras.

But I keep my promises. I have something that might be just as good.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to the Sony Handycam HDR-TG1. According to J&R Music World, this baby has a list price of $899. That’s right. Do I have your attention yet?

This camcorder is the world’s smallest full HD camcorder. You really can carry it everywhere with you. Although it is only a tiny bit taller than a digital camera, it still boasts a swing-out 2.7” LCD. It runs entirely on memory sticks and comes with 4GB of memory. It shoots in true HD, is all touch screen, and has a body made of fucking titanium. The damn thing does surround sound and has face detection. It will take 4-megapixel stills, so you might not even need a goddamn digital camera if you win this.

For those of you outside of North America, it’s NTSC. Sorry, but I do not have an unlimited supply of these so I can’t get you PAL. Quit your goddamn moaning and sell it on fucking ebay if you win it.

So, how do you win? You pimp this contest. You can, as I explained in my last post, act like you’re holding the contest without mentioning this website. Or you can link here or do it however the fuck you want. If you link, please use the abbreviated link—http://www.stoogepie.com/index.php/stooge/more/nude_milf_sweepstakes/. It makes for easier, faster voting and it complies with all the laws in the universe.

Also, I have upped the ante and thrown in a copy of Photoshop CS3 for Windows. (If you’re a Mac user and insist, I will get you the Mac version instead.) Dingo made me do it. Seriously. In emails she said that, if she were getting a sweet camera, she would want Photoshop. She is, indeed, the mistress of Photoshop so I had to pull a copy of Photoshop off the shelf for her.

Anyways, when I select a winner of the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, I will ask the winner where he or she heard about the contest. If they say they heard about it first from your site, you win the camcorder. And I don’t care if they are your brother-in-law and they lie to keep all the goodies in the family.

Some rules:

First, you must have a blog at the time this entry is posted. I don’t want people starting brand new blogs with no readers just so that, if they win the main contest, they can tell their brother-in-law to get them the camcorder. If there is any question, you must be able to demonstrate to me that you actually had a blog when I posted this entry. For most of you, this will not be an issue.

Second, you must actually pimp this contest on your blog. Whether you mention this website or call it the Nude MILF Sweepstakes or whatever doesn’t matter. As I said in the last post, you can pimp the contest as your own, but you must pimp the contest. In practice, I don’t care if you announce the contest at church and tell everyone to say they read about it on your blog. I don’t care if you take out an ad on Craigslist or hand out flyers, and tell people how to answer the question about where they first heard about the contest. By all means, market the contest. Get votes any way you can. But you must at least mention the contest on your blog to win the camcorder. If we get down to the wire on Blogger’s Choice and we need a surge to bring us over the top, I may borrow some adwords impressions from my shop. A click-through from your site is not enough to win the camcorder. It is, though, as long as you actually pimp the contest.

Finally, if the winner of the Nude MILF Sweepstakes says that he heard about the contest from my website or some non-pimping source, I will hold a follow-up sweepstakes limited to blogs that pimped the contest. That means I will need to know that you pimped the contest. The easiest way to do this is to leave a comment here because I am not going to ask. Seriously, how fucking hard do I need to work to give away a sweet fucking camcorder? Your odds of winning will be, what? Like twenty or thirty to one?

Oh, and I am the only person ineligible to win the camcorder. Crissy and Ken are eligible. I think that’s fair since they have both worked pretty hard to pull in the votes and since we would all get some pleasure out of their use of this nifty little device. And they should keep pushing for votes, too.

Finally, if you’re a regular reader and not a blogger or you are just not interested in pimping the contest, please take some time to visit the websites of the people who comment here and the blogs in my bloghole. Then, if you win the contest, you can lie and say you heard about the contest from them. As long as they pimped the contest, it’s an easy way to hand a blogger you like an awesome camcorder.

One more thing: my decision is final. About every fucking thing.

And, yes, you can win both the camera and the camcorder, you greedy, lucky fuck. If you win the camera and pimped the contest, you get both.

In case you can’t tell, I am dead fucking serious about winning Hottest Mommy Blogger for Crissy.

Now, Mister Shorts has something to say.

This Mister Shorts comic had nothing at all to do with the contest, in case you have any ideas.

That is all.

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Nude MILF Sweepstakes

If you are only here to enter the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, it’s simple.

How To Enter:

1. Click here to register at the Blogger’s Choice Awards (it takes five minutes).
2. Click here after registration is complete to vote for crissyspage.com for the Hottest Mommy Blogger category. One of the people who votes for crissyspage.com will be randomly selected to win.

That’s it. You are registered to win. Have your friends and family enter for more chances to win. Enter as often as you like to increase your chances.  Odds of winning as I post this are about 120 to one for each entry.

Remember to check back around October 16, when I expect voting will be closed, to see if you won. You will need to contact me if you are the winner. Remember, I cannot notify you any other way: Blogger’s Choice Awards does not make email addresses public. If you register here at stoogepie.com, I will email all registered users the number and Blogger’s Choice username of the winner immediately after the drawing, but you will still need to contact me if you win.

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. OPEN TO ALL PERSONS LEGALLY ABLE TO VOTE IN THE BLOGGER’S CHOICE AWARDS. Sweepstakes ends when Blogger Choice Awards voting closes (expected date is October 15, 2008). Sponsor: stoogepie.com.

For the complete Official Rules, click here.

For the backstory on why I am holding this sweepstakes and why it is named the “Nude MILF Sweepstakes” (it was formerly called the “Nude MILF Contest” but apparently there is a difference), click here.

The Prizes:

There will be one randomly selected Grand Prize Winner who will win:

(1) A Sony DSC-T300 Cyber-shot® 10-Megapixel Digital Camera - Silver (list price $499.99, according to J&R Music World);
(2) A Sony LCS-THM/B Genuine Black Leather Case (list price $49.99, according to J&R Music World);
(3) A Sandisk 4GB Memory Stick Pro Duo (list price $39.99, according to J&R Music World);
(4) Adobe Photoshop CS3, boxed retail version for Windows (list price $649.00, according to J&R Music World) (may be shipped within North America only);
(5) A signed copy of Melissa Lion‘s novel, Swollen (list price $6.50 according to Amazon) with a personalized message of your choosing inside that makes it priceless; and
(6) A signed copy of Melissa Lion‘s novel, Upstream (list price $8.95 at Amazon) with a personalized message of your choosing inside that makes it priceless.

Total Approximate Retail Value: $1,254.42.

Enter now!

Go on! Vote!

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