The Nude MILF Contest

It’s time for a contest, doncha think?

Welcome to the Stoogepie’s Nude MILF Contest.

First, what you win, all brand new and unopened in original packaging:

A Sony DSC-T300 Cyber-shot® 10-Megapixel Digital Camera - Silver—list price $499.99, according to J&R Music World.

A Sony LCS-THM/B Genuine Black Leather Case—list price $49.99, according to J&R Music World (where it is temporarily out of stock).

A Sandisk 4GB Memory Stick Pro Duo—list price $39.99, according to J&R Music World.

Total Retail Value: $589.97! Damn, this is a serious fucking contest!  And, really, this camera is sweet. Go read up on it at J&R Music World or wherever.  It is pretty goddamn fancy.

Bloggers: you can also host this contest to drive traffic to your site and maybe win something yourself! Read on to find out how.

The Backstory on the Prizes.

I work at a creative shop. I get freebies sometimes, and they come in two varieties. Sometimes it is shit from clients who love the fuck out of me. And sometimes it is shit from manufacturers who are not clients, but who want for me to convince my bosses to buy their pen tablet or their monitor or their 3D mouse.

Usually, I just give this shit to the unsung service people, like the secretaries and receptionists and cleaning ladies, who have to put up with my constant bitching and whining and temper tantrums and requests for blowjobs. I think they, in turn, sell it on ebay.

This time, I got a digital camera.

Now, lest you think that I have not got anything invested in this contest, I did shoplift pick up the case and memory stick on my own. Nobody gave those to me. To make this an exciting and full-featured contest, I wanted to have a package. So there you have it.

The Backstory on the Contest.

I don’t really want this camera. And I could probably have just given it to a receptionist to sell on ebay. But, a while back, on May 16, Crissy, on her hubby Ken’s Website, made the terrible mistake of saying that if she won the Hottest Mommy Blogger award in the 2008 Bloggers Choice Awards, she would pose naked on her blog.

I will do everything I can to make her live up to that promise.

Crissy may never speak to me again.  She has absolutely nothing to do with this contest and did not know about it.

But, seriously, check it out.  As I write this, Dooce is number two. That’s just wrong, peoples. (Well, actually, to take a Dooce means to take a number two, so maybe that’s right.) I have nothing against Pioneer Woman, who is currently number one, and I’m sure her blog is just awesome but she is simply not as hot as Crissy.

Hence, you can have ridiculously good odds of winning nearly $600 worth of shit from me. And I don’t even care about the traffic, so you can pimp this contest on your own blog without even mentioning this website.

How to enter.

You may have already entered because, to enter, all you need to do is vote for Crissy as Hottest Mommy Blogger. It’s that simple.  You may need to register at Blogger’s Choice to vote, but you don’t give them any personal info besides your email address. Make sure you save your password when you register. (Just in case, Blogger’s Choice emails your password to you, so you can just save that email.)

After the voting closes for Hottest Mommy Blogger closes, on or about October 15, 2008, I will go to random.org and select a random number from the number of votes cast for Crissy, and then announce the winner. It will be up to you to contact me telling me you won. But please read on because, in order to verify that you actually won, you will need to send me your password at the Blogger’s Choice Awards.

I will repeat that: if you win and only if you win this contest, in order to verify that you actually won, you will need to send me your password at the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Listen, voting will be closed at that point and your Blogger’s Choice account will be useless until the following year. This is the only way I can verify that you are the winning entry. I could get 500 emails saying, “I am the person who cast vote number 107.” Before you send me your password, you can log on and change it (just in case you use the same password in a lot of accounts). After you send me your password, I will log in, verify that you are, indeed, the winner of the contest, log out, notify you immediately, and send you your prizes. You can log in as soon as I notify you and change your password again. Fuck, if you want, you can wait a few days and take a picture of yourself changing your password with your brand spanking new fucking camera. And your Blogger’s Choice account contains no personal information whatsoever. Even after I log in, you will need to send me your address so I can send you your goddamn camera.

Think about it. If, let’s say, a few hundred people enter this contest, your odds of winning almost $600 worth of gear are a couple of hundred to one.

How Other Bloggers Can Join In.

Like I said, I really don’t care about traffic or props for running this contest. I at least want for Crissy to make it to the first page, and I win if Crissy wins because then she has to pose nude on her website.

So, you can run this contest, too. On your website. Without even mentioning me or this website at all.

Just announce the contest and the rules on your site. You can act like you are running this contest, not me. You can call the contest any goddamn thing you like. The “I Hate Dooce Contest” sounds good to me. Or the “Fix The Blogger’s Choice Awards Contest.” Whatev.

Make sure you state the requirement that the winner will have to send her or his password for identity verification.

If you host the contest, you must let me know. Email me or use the contact form to let me know that you are hosting the contest. That way, I can send you the number that I choose and you can announce the winner at the same time I do. If the winner contacts you through your blog, the camera will be sent to the winner with a note thanking him or her for entering your contest on your blog. This website will never be mentioned.  As soon as the winner is identified, I will send all the blogs participating the name of that winner so we can all announce the winner.

Also, I will come up with a sweet prize for the winning blog. I don’t know what yet, but it will be good. I promise.

Here are product shots you can use on your blog.

Fine Print.

I am not eligible to win, and neither are Crissy and Ken. Bloggers who host the contest are eligible to win, although they will have to figure out a way to explain to their readers how they picked their own goddamn number in a contest they hosted. Everyone else on the goddamn planet is eligible to win. I don’t care if everyone in your family enters eight times.

Also, if Crissy or Ken hosts the contest, each can win whatever sweet prize I come up with for the winning blog.

The contest will go on until voting closes at the Blogger’s Choice Awards.  It is supposed to close on October 15th, 2008, but I have no fucking control over that.  So, if they don’t close voting until December 15th, the contest will end then.

The winner will have one week to contact me or any other blog she or he entered through. After that, that winner is disqualified. I will choose a new winner and the process will start all over again. In addition, if the winner refuses to provide a password to his or her Blogger’s Choice account, he or she is disqualified. A new winner will be chosen and the process will start all over again. But someone is going to win this fucking camera.

Void where prohibited by law, yadda yadda yadda. If winning a camera is against the law where you are, you better tell me because how the fuck would I know? But you know what? Take a stand, damnit! That’s an unjust law! By entering this contest in spite of that unjust law, you can be the Rosa Parks of camera contests! Do it! Vote!

Is it obvious that Sony, Sandisk, J&R Music World, and anybody else respectable has nothing to do with this contest? Really, this is stoogepie’s Nude MILF Contest.  Nobody else is to blame.

If I have forgotten anything, let me know. This is my first contest so maybe there is some important shit I forgot to mention here. If some bizarre shit happens that I have not accounted for here—like two people somehow provide me with the winning password—my decision is final. Period.

That’s all I have to say about the Nude MILF Contest, except that your prizes may have a little bit of cat hair and cake and splooge on them after a month in the stoogepen. But they are sealed in boxes, so live with it, you fucking whiney goddamn bitches.  Maybe I’ll throw them in baggies right now.

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President Sarah Palin

I wrote a really long post about John McCain and Sarah Palin, but I’m not going to post it. I will be posting that in bits and pieces because it was way too fucking long to post in one sitting. A lot of the post has to do with Bristol Palin because I am in a really good position to write about fundamentalist redneck teens fucking and making new fundamentalist rednecks.

In this post, I will only cover the basics and not really go into Slutpuppy Bristol and her Redneck Baby Daddy.

On August 29, 2008, John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate in the race for president. Sarah Palin has been governor of Alaska for two years and, before that, was perhaps the worst mayor the tiny town of Wasilla had ever had. She was almost recalled as mayor but lasted until she ran for governor. When she became mayor, Wasilla had a budget of $3.9 million and zero debt. Sarah Palin, whom McCain calls a reformer, fiscal conservative, and “tough minded budget cutter,” left the tiny town six years later with a $5.8 million dollar budget and $20 million in debt—about $3,000 per resident—in spite of getting about $27 million in earmarks with the help of a hired Washington lobbyist. So, she’s a tough-minded budget cutter and fiscal conservative just like George W. Bush has been!

As for her being a reformer, well, yeah, as mayor of Wasilla she did fire the town librarian after asking the librarian to censor library books. At the same time, she fired the sheriff because he had supported her rival in the preceding election. And then there is TrooperGate. See, Sarah Palin’s sister had a pretty nasty divorce and her husband was a state trooper. So, naturally, as soon as she became governor, Palin told the top law enforcement official in the state, the Safety Commissioner, to fire her ex-brother-in-law. He refused, so Palin fired the Safety Commissioner instead.

In that investigation, Palin is refusing to turn over 1,100 emails, citing the Deliberative Process and Executive Privilege. Now, many of these emails can’t have anything at all to do with governing Alaska. For instance, a series of the emails have the subject heading “re Andrew Halcro.” Andrew Halcro is a blogger who ran against Palin as an independent in the 2006 governor’s race and his blog has since been pretty critical of Palin. What could emails about him have to do with governing Alaska? Before you come up with some excuse, Todd Palin is copied on a lot of these “privileged” emails. Here is a page from the privilege log. Todd Palin, Sarah’s husband, is not an elected official. He works for BP, the oil company. So, how can emails he is copied on ever be privileged? They can’t. But Palin only needs to keep them secret for two more months. Does Sarah Palin sound more and more like Dick Cheney to you?

The big problem is that, from an actuarial perspective, Sarah Palin is very likely to become president if McCain is elected president. First, McCain is 72 years old, so it’s anybody’s guess whether he will even survive until November. And he has survived multiple bouts with cancer in those 72 years. But let’s face it: it’s a miracle that McCain has survived this long, because we all know that government-controlled healthcare doesn’t work.

See, for all of McCain’s 72 years, McCain has had government-controlled health care. His father was an admiral so, as a child until he went to Vietnam, he had government-controlled health care. Then during Vietnam, he obviously had government-run healthcare. After Vietnam, he had veterans’ benefits when they still provided adequate health care. Then, once he became a congressman, he became entitled to the congressional health care package, which is, of course, run entirely by the government. And neither he nor his millionaire wife has ever complained about their ”government-run health care system where a bureaucrat stands between you and your doctor,” but that doesn’t mean he isn’t right on the money. Why else would he so vehemently oppose giving you the same benefit he has enjoyed his entire life? McCain must know he is on the verge of death thanks to 72 years of government-run healthcare with a bureaucrat standing between him and his doctor.

So, before you vote for McCain, it’s a good thing to try to envision what a Palin presidency would look like. Unfortunately, besides the information I’ve already talked about, we don’t have much to go on. Well, there are the statements that both McCain and Palin have made but, as Paul Krugman of the New York Times said, “I can’t think of any precedent, at least in America, for the blizzard of lies since the Republican convention.... [T]he McCain campaign keeps making assertions that anyone with an Internet connection can disprove in a minute, and repeating these assertions over and over again.” We can’t trust a lot of what they say because, really, they have lied and lied and lied.

But we do know that Palin is a fundamentalist Christian who, like many fundamentalist Christians, is fine with telling demonstrable falsehoods. She believes “in a literal translation of the Bible.” That is, the bible is all true. That shit really happened exactly as it’s written.

So, I think Sarah Palin might have some radical ideas about how we should run this country. For instance, when it comes to national defense.

Palin also might be just the person to innovate when it comes to both social and environmental issues.

Palin also has an interesting take on global warming.

Since it looks like McCain stands a good chance of winning because the American people love lies almost as much as they love war, we should get to see soon enough how Palin governs as president.

That’s not all I have to say about Palin but that’s all I’ll say about her right now.

Coming soon, Mister Shorts. And even before that, my very first contest ever: the Nude MILF Contest! Check back, because I’ll be giving away some serious prizes worth more than $500! No shit!

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Modern War Toys™

My long break is drawing to a close.  I will be away all the rest of the week and won’t be able to comment or post.  After that, I will resume my non-summer posting schedule.  It’s been a long summer with a lot going on.

I really need to clean up the stoogepen and, in fact, I started doing a little cleaning earlier this week.  I found all sorts of shit I haven’t seen in forever.  These include school books — which I really should sell before they are out of date — and comic books and toys.  Yes, toys.  Not the toys I have bought since I became an adult — my Adult Toys — like the PS3.  No, the toys I had when I was a kid.

I had a big collection of action figures and other stuff, like war toys.  You know, those green little plastic war toys that come in bags of like a billion.  They always look like this:

These toys were awesome when I was a kid.  I had wars with infantrymen and snipers and tanks and enemies.  I killed entire armies.

But these toys don’t cut it anymore, now do they?  I mean, war has changed.  It’s not about guns and bullets anymore.  War is more subtle than that today.  So, I’ve been thinking that we should update our war toys.  That’s why I have designed Modern War Toys™.

First of all, we are now liberators!  We liberate people.  We have liberated the good people of Iraq.  Now they are free.  Before we went to Iraq, they lived under the brutal dictatorship of Saddam Hussein.  Of course, we installed Saddam as dictator and supported him, and we encouraged him to go to war with Iran.  But that’s water under the bridge.

Still, liberty is not free.  It comes with a price.  Yeah, Saddam Hussein didn’t support terrorism.  And maybe he was a secular leader who supported religious freedom.  In fact, the only synagogue in Iraq — a protected and open Jewish place of worship — and a few dozen Christian churches have been bombed since we invaded, and more Iraqis die violent deaths each day now than did under Saddam’s rule.  Big deal.  Freedom is good.

So, I propose a war toy that celebrates liberation.  Something like this:

Go freedom!  Go USA!

War has changed in other subtle ways as well.  Who would have guessed that eavesdropping on millions of American citizens and reading their emails would be part of the war we are in right now?  But, this is a subtle war that we must win.

I also think we need a war toy that celebrates the fact that, in this war, we have all sorts of wonderful new tactics that we did not employ when I was a kid.  Like outting CIA agents.  And labeling people Enemy Combatants, which entitles us to imprison them forever without a trial or due process.  But my favorite has to be the fact that now we “disappear” people.  That’s right.  We kidnap them and maybe they wind up at Guantanamo Bay or maybe they don’t.  We’re not entitled to know who is at Guantanamo Bay or how they are treated, so we can’t tell what happens to the disappeared people, but what an awesome toy this makes!

Oh, and we waterboard people!  Excellent!  How cool is that?  Maybe it’s not quite torture, but it still makes for a sweet toy!

It’s good to know that Americans don’t torture anyone.  But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a sense of humor!  Who could forget Abu Ghraib, huh?  Now, that’s an excellent toy, and funny, too!

Of course, not everyone is happy.  Some people just like to gripe.  Like the fuckers who complain because we aren’t giving the soldiers any armor.  And then they complain because the same people who support this war have vetoed legislation that would bring the GI Bill into the Twenty-First Century so that it actually provided veterans with an edumacation.  Then they go on to complain because, after the soldiers get injured because their Humvees and helmets and flak jackets have no armor, they are denied medical care.  What a bunch of whiners!  Still, just to appease these pussies, maybe we should throw in a few toys that reflect soldiers’ injuries or veterans’ rights and welfare or something.

You know, not everyone is complaining.  Contractors like Halliburton aren’t complaining.  Yeah, it’s true that Vice President Cheney continues even today to profit from Halliburton and it’s true that that Halliburton got a multi-billion dollar no-bid contract.  They aren’t the big winners.  The real winners are the oil companies.

When Bush entered office, oil was $18 per barrel.  In January of 2001, when Bush was sworn in as president, the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development predicted that, due to limited supply and rising demand, the price of oil would reach $28 per barrel in 2020.  How is that for funny!  Anyways, ExxonMobil posted record profits in February of 2008, with twenty to thirty percent of that profit coming directly from the war in Iraq.  ExxonMobil’s sales for the year before exceeded the gross domestic product of 120 nations.  That makes for one happy war toy!

Of course, things aren’t so great at home for all of us.  What with rising gas and food prices, record numbers of mortgage foreclosures, New Orleans still not safe after Hurricane Katrina, billions of dollars simply missing in Iraq, and a massive deficit that will make your children pay for this war.  So, Americans, you deserve some credit.  You saw all of this happening, and you reelected the people responsible.  In part, because your pastor told you to.  Good for you!  For your faith and inaction, you deserve your own war toy.

Now, I’m ready to start selling these toys but I have to make them by hand at first, so they will be kind of expensive.  Like, about ten bucks each.  But here is the deal.  If you buy all nine war toys for the introductory high price of $90 plus $10 shipping and handling, I will throw in a WMD war toy and an Osama bin Laden war toy — both pictured below — ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Also, if you can think of any other Modern War Toys™ I have forgotten to include, let me know.  But don’t expect a share of the profits.

That’s all I have to say about Modern War Toys™.  See you in a week or so.

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Vadgets™ and Bumballs™

Yeah, I haven’t been posting enough.  Well, I’ve gotten really busy with a project that has nothing at all to do with this blog.  And, aside from that, it’s the summer.  You may be so old that summer doesn’t mean you spend a lot more time outdoors, but I’m not.

So, my big project ends at the end of August, then I go away for a week.  And summer will be all over then.  Normal posting schedules will resume.

Anyways, I have an awesome new invention to share with you.

What better way to propose than to stick a ring up your ass and let her dig it out, huh?  How could she say no?

That’s all I have to say about Vadgets™ and Bumballs™ except that, until Vadgets™ and Bumballs™ are widely available, feel free to stick things up your ass the old fashioned way.

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My Children’s Book

First, I wrote a guest post for Crissy’s blog.  This is not only a real honor for me, but also signals the decline of Crissy’s mental state.  Soon she will go completely nuts and ask Osama Bin Laden to guest blog for her.  So, hurry up and go there now and read my post!  Do it!!

Alright, it has taken me a really long time to finish my e-book.  That’s because I’m not really good at writing things that are work-friendly and/or kid-friendly.  But here it is.

Click on this picture to open the PDF file.  It was just too big to post as a series of pictures.  If you have a problem viewing it in your browser (Firefox and Adobe Acrobat don’t like each other too much), you will need to download it by right-clicking on the image and then saving it to view it.

I am a very bad judge of these things, but I think this is safe to open at work.  And it is a touching story that children will love and learn from.  So, share it with your kids.

That’s all I have to say about the e-book.

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