Great Stories of the Bible 4

Happy Easter everyone. I mean, everyone who is a Christian. Or Happy Pesach to you Jews out there. If you’re a Muslim, too bad you don’t have a holiday.

Because, for much of the world, today is a big-assed holiday, it’s time for another Great Story of the Bible. But this time, I’m going to take my great story from the New Testament.

In the past, I have only done Great Stories of the Bible from the Old Testament. That’s because the Old Testament is a collection of stories that don’t overlap all that much. There’s some overlap and plenty of plagiarism from other stories — Moses gets commandments from God twice in Exodus and then there’s a rerun of that episode in Deuteronomy just for good measure — but you can usually do a story from the Old Testament and not need to mention any other stories.

The New Testament is different. The New Testament is also a collection of stories but the four gospels overlap a lot. They are mainly plagiarized but inconsistent versions of the same stories. So, if I do a Great Story of the Bible from the New Testament, I need to do all the competing versions. And that sucks ass.

That said, I decided to do a New Testament story this time, lest you think I am not giving Jesus his stoogepious due.

Today’s Great Story of the Bible is the very short story of Jesus and the Fig Tree. The first version you will get is the version by the author of what we have named The Gospel According to Mark. There is no evidence that it was written by anyone named Mark. That’s just the name people gave the gospel after it was written. Let’s call the author Stanley. Assuming that Jesus was actually a historic figure, Stanley wrote his gospel at least a few decades after the death of Jesus and it’s been tampered with since then.  But Stanley’s is the earliest version of the fig story.

There is also no evidence that the Gospel According to Matthew was written by anybody named Matthew. Let’s call the author Eugene. Eugene wrote his gospel long after Stanley wrote his. In fact, Eugene’s gospel is based in part upon Stanley’s gospel, with some parts just outright plagiarized. But Eugene didn’t really understand where Stanley was going with the whole fig tree episode so Eugene kind of fucked it up.

You know, Stanley wasn’t writing about an actual miracle. Stanley’s fig tree story was a parable in which the fig tree is Israel, which will bear no more fruit due to its corruption. That’s why Stanley threw the whole temple episode into the middle of the story: it’s a literary device connecting the two stories. Well, Eugene didn’t get any of that.  Eugene may have been the first dumb-ass fundamentalist.  He took everything Stanley wrote seriously.  And, being a good Christian, he set an example for generations of future Christians by changing the facts in his Gospel to make the whole fig tree episode just a little more miraculous.

And that’s the end of the fig tree stories involving Jesus. The unknown author of the Gospel According to Luke, whom we’ll call Ethel, ignores it, even though, like Eugene, she uses Stanley’s gospel as source material. The unknown authors (it looks like there were more than one) of the Gospel According to John also never mention the fig tree story.

But Ethel does include a parable allegedly told by Jesus about a fig tree in the Gospel According to Luke. It appears in none of the other gospels.  Jesus, unfortunately, did not get a role in Ethel’s parable.  Rumor has it, Jesus fired his agent shortly thereafter.

So that’s it for stories about fig trees.

Now, what does all of this mean?

And that’s our bible lesson for today.  I hope you have all learned something valuable about Jesus on this highest of Christian holidays.

Yo, for those of you who haven’t gotten enough religion today, I have a great new website to share with you. It’s for people like you and I who would like to hedge our bets but really don’t want to waste a lot of our precious time worshipping. It’s called WorshipEngine. It harnesses the power of the internet to worship for you. Go check it out.

That’s all I have to say about Jesus and religion right now. Now be fruitful or something. But don’t multiply.

Leave a comment....

Great Stories of the Bible 3

It’s time for another inspiring episode of Great Stories of the Bible, and this one is a totally epic double header! You will be so fucking religious by the time you finish reading this that you just might want to cut off your own dick. Unless you’re a woman. If you’re a woman, you might feel so religious that you want to grow a dick. Because, as you will see throughout the bible (and as you saw in Great Stories of the Bible 1 and Great Stories of the Bible 2 in particular) God loves nicely cut dicks and sort of hates women.

Most of you have already heard of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s a touching and rousing story of two of the most pious men ever to walk the earth: Abraham and his nephew, Lot. I invite you to read this story and try to walk in the mighty shoes of these noble men that God finds so righteous.

You might notice that one of the scenes here is a lot like the story in Great Stories of the Bible 1. That might seem a little crazy since the scene seems wildly fucking unlikely to repeat itself. Yeah. God plagiarizes his own shit a lot. But he can do that. He’s God.

Anyways, here is the brand stinking new Great Stories of the Bible Double Feature. Enjoy or whatever.

Yo, that had to be safe for work, right? I mean, it’s straight from the fucking bible.

Okay, so that’s all I have to say about the bible right now. Go make God a sandwich.

Leave a comment....

Great Stories of the Bible 2

This Great Bible Story is a lot different from Great Stories of the Bible 1. But I still think it’s a pretty great bible story

See, that last bible story was a good story for the whole family, but might have been more interesting to adults. But this Great Bible Story is one the kids can enjoy in particular.

You’ve all heard of David & Goliath. David kills this giant and saves the day. But what you might not know is the story right after that whole David and Goliath episode in the bible. It’s a magical story with kings and princesses and royal intrigue.

So, if you thought all these bible stories were going to be adult-oriented just because the bible is full of smut and pornography, you were wrong. Share this story with the little ones.

See! I told you! It’s like a fairy tale! And like all the happiest fairy tales, it ends with David marrying the princess. Teach your kids: never, ever underestimate the value of dickmeat!

I’m working on another fairy tale of sorts, too. I’ll have news about that in a few days if I can get off my ass and finish it. But for right now, that’s all I have to say about that.

Leave a comment....

Great Stories of the Bible 1

The Sweepstakes Winner.

So, Soapbox, who won the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, never claimed her or his prize.  On the one hand, I kind of had a feeling this might happen.  On the other hand, I expected to find an email in my inbox right after the deadline because that’s how shit happens.

So, as I said in my last boring entry, now I will choose a second chance winner from the people who have voted for Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger for 2009.  I will choose that winner Tuesday afternoon.  So, this is your last fucking chance.  You must send me your username before the drawing because I have no intention of keeping this camera for another week.  If I don’t know who you are, I will choose another winner.  Period.  After I randomly draw the second-chance winner, I will randomly draw the winner of the camcorder from among the blogs that pimped the contest, so if your blog did not appear among the list in my last boring entry, let me know.  Note that the second-chance winner and the pimping winner have no relation to one another.  That is all.  You have until noon tomorrow to vote.  Do it now and send me your username.  Note that I do not need your password.

Great Stories of the Bible.

I am a big fan of the bible.

Those of you who have been following for a while may be as stoogepious at this point as I am.  If not, I want converts.

So, I have decided that, in order to bring you into the fold, I will illustrate an important bible story every now and then, complete with an explanation of the lessons it teaches us.  Today’s story is the entire 19th chapter of Judges.  It is a great story and teaches us some very valuable lessons.  I have been faithful to the original story.  The only change I have made is to get rid of the extras — a servant boy and two donkeys — but the rest of the story is in there without censorship or embellishment.

Enjoy.

That’s all I have to say about the bible for right now, but stay tuned for more Great Stories of the Bible in the future.

Leave a comment....