Great Stories of the Bible 3

It’s time for another inspiring episode of Great Stories of the Bible, and this one is a totally epic double header! You will be so fucking religious by the time you finish reading this that you just might want to cut off your own dick. Unless you’re a woman. If you’re a woman, you might feel so religious that you want to grow a dick. Because, as you will see throughout the bible (and as you saw in Great Stories of the Bible 1 and Great Stories of the Bible 2 in particular) God loves nicely cut dicks and sort of hates women.

Most of you have already heard of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s a touching and rousing story of two of the most pious men ever to walk the earth: Abraham and his nephew, Lot. I invite you to read this story and try to walk in the mighty shoes of these noble men that God finds so righteous.

You might notice that one of the scenes here is a lot like the story in Great Stories of the Bible 1. That might seem a little crazy since the scene seems wildly fucking unlikely to repeat itself. Yeah. God plagiarizes his own shit a lot. But he can do that. He’s God.

Anyways, here is the brand stinking new Great Stories of the Bible Double Feature. Enjoy or whatever.

Yo, that had to be safe for work, right? I mean, it’s straight from the fucking bible.

Okay, so that’s all I have to say about the bible right now. Go make God a sandwich.

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Great Stories of the Bible 2

This Great Bible Story is a lot different from Great Stories of the Bible 1. But I still think it’s a pretty great bible story

See, that last bible story was a good story for the whole family, but might have been more interesting to adults. But this Great Bible Story is one the kids can enjoy in particular.

You’ve all heard of David & Goliath. David kills this giant and saves the day. But what you might not know is the story right after that whole David and Goliath episode in the bible. It’s a magical story with kings and princesses and royal intrigue.

So, if you thought all these bible stories were going to be adult-oriented just because the bible is full of smut and pornography, you were wrong. Share this story with the little ones.

See! I told you! It’s like a fairy tale! And like all the happiest fairy tales, it ends with David marrying the princess. Teach your kids: never, ever underestimate the value of dickmeat!

I’m working on another fairy tale of sorts, too. I’ll have news about that in a few days if I can get off my ass and finish it. But for right now, that’s all I have to say about that.

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Great Stories of the Bible 1

The Sweepstakes Winner.

So, Soapbox, who won the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, never claimed her or his prize.  On the one hand, I kind of had a feeling this might happen.  On the other hand, I expected to find an email in my inbox right after the deadline because that’s how shit happens.

So, as I said in my last boring entry, now I will choose a second chance winner from the people who have voted for Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger for 2009.  I will choose that winner Tuesday afternoon.  So, this is your last fucking chance.  You must send me your username before the drawing because I have no intention of keeping this camera for another week.  If I don’t know who you are, I will choose another winner.  Period.  After I randomly draw the second-chance winner, I will randomly draw the winner of the camcorder from among the blogs that pimped the contest, so if your blog did not appear among the list in my last boring entry, let me know.  Note that the second-chance winner and the pimping winner have no relation to one another.  That is all.  You have until noon tomorrow to vote.  Do it now and send me your username.  Note that I do not need your password.

Great Stories of the Bible.

I am a big fan of the bible.

Those of you who have been following for a while may be as stoogepious at this point as I am.  If not, I want converts.

So, I have decided that, in order to bring you into the fold, I will illustrate an important bible story every now and then, complete with an explanation of the lessons it teaches us.  Today’s story is the entire 19th chapter of Judges.  It is a great story and teaches us some very valuable lessons.  I have been faithful to the original story.  The only change I have made is to get rid of the extras — a servant boy and two donkeys — but the rest of the story is in there without censorship or embellishment.

Enjoy.

That’s all I have to say about the bible for right now, but stay tuned for more Great Stories of the Bible in the future.

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