Porn for Chicks

A while ago, in her post on the Toy With Me website, Crissy had this idea about Porn for Chicks™.  It intrigued me.  I like porn and I like chicks.  And I like porn chicks.

It’s true that most non-porn chicks do not seem to like porn.  And by “porn,” I mean the porn that dudes like: dude porn.  As an example, if I wanted to create an awesome porn movie for dudes, I might hire, say, four hot sluts and fifty whatever dudes.  I might tell the sluts to skip the obligatory colon-cleaning enema before the shoot, and I would have the fifty dudes fuck the four women up the ass.  I would call this epic Shitty Shitty Ass Bang.  Voila!  Instant bestselling porn classic.

But chicks would not find this entertaining.  Only dudes would buy it.  I have no idea why.

And women don’t like those awesome sex moves you learn from porn, either.  Like, for instance, I have not yet met a woman who wants for you to lean over and spit on her asshole right before you fuck it.  Go figure.  Women are strange.

Anyways, my point is, Crissy is right: chicks do not like dude porn.

In my epic, Shitty Shitty Ass Bang, notice that I did not even try to come up with any plot.  Who cares?  I could just do it gonzo, with almost no plot at all: the fucking is the story.  Or, I could come up with some flimsy set-up and call it a plot.  In fact, it could end, just like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, with a fudge recipe.  I am all about The Irony, peoples.

Women want a better story.  For men — admit it, dudes — Ron Jeremy epitomizes everything that is wonderful about porn.  He is pretty much a huge dick attached to a hair-covered Hot Pocket®.  One of those meatball and cheddar Hot Pockets® that fell behind the stove and got covered in grease and hair and who knows what the fuck else.  Dudes think, “But look at that dick coming out of it! And that Hot Pocket® sure knows how to use that dick, too!”

But women want a story.  Why is that slut fucking a hairy, greasy Hot Pocket®?

That’s why Crissy and I got together to create Porn for Chicks™: porn that has the story women want but also has the fucking that men want.  Our first efforts to storyboard our ideas follow.  We used the stories from timeless literary classics — Chick Lit — and stayed utterly true to those storylines.  But we also provided the sordid details left out by the censors.

So, you know, go over to Crissy’s or to her latest Toy With Me post and let us know which of these ideas you like best.  Crissy has some time off around Crissymas or something so we plan on shooting one of these straight to video then.  Or something.  But don’t even bother telling me which one you like unless you’re ready to either fork out twenty bucks for the DVD or, you know, accept a leading role or something.

That’s all I have to say about Porn for Chicks™ right now.  We are going to start producing these right away, so place your orders now.

Leave a comment....

StoogeNotes: Nabokov’s Lolita

I like to think that my posts are, in general, edumacational. I treat you to factoids you will likely not read anywhere else. Like, for instance, every second of every minute of every hour of every day, over 23,000 people in China take a shit. You won’t read that anywhere else and do you know why? Because I did the math myself.

Still, I suppose that most of what I write is soul-robbing mind candy. However, every now and then I like to make a real effort to inject some culture into the blogosphere with a look at fine literature or poetry. So, it’s time for another StoogeNotes™.

You’ll recall from last time that, because I am a Major Celebrity, I post StoogeNotes™ as a public service to give something back to you little, tiny, insignificant people who line up to give me blowjobs. StoogeNotes™ are ultra-condensed versions of classic literature. These summaries are more than enough to make you look really well-read at a dinner party or to get you through a class discussion. If you are creative, you can even use them to get through an exam or an essay. Meanwhile, unlike the actual stories, they leave out all the boring parts and take no time to read.

As before, remember that I have not read these stories in a while and I haven’t been sober in a longer while, so there may be insignificant minutiae missing or inconsequential mistakes in the details. But all the meaningful, thought-provoking, significant shit is here exactly as it was in the original story.

Today’s StoogeNotes™ selection is Nabokov’s Lolita.

Summary:

Questions your professor might ask: Do you know of any underage girls having sex with older dudes? Do you have their contact info?

Trivia to impress your professor, especially if she is a hot teaching assistant: Although Lolita sold very well, Nabakov could not get the prequels—Lolita versus the Rape Gang and Lolita in Prison—published. In Nabokov’s short story “Fuck Kitten,” a dumpy fortyish-year-old dude meets a fourteen-year-old girl in a chat room. The fortyish dude later discovers, however, that the fourteen-year-old is actually an Irish Setter. Upon being found out, the Irish Setter eats the dude and later poses as him in a chat room. Many consider this a precursor to Nabokov’s Lolita. This short story was later adapted into the movie, Must Love Dogs.

Seriously, if you have a final exam or something on Lolita and it’s an open book exam, you can just print out the StoogeNotes™ and you don’t even need to take the fucking book with you.

That’s all I have to say about StoogeNotes™ for now except that, if you were turned off by all the talk about banging twelve-year-olds, fuck you. This is classic literature here and it also happens to be scorchingly hot.

Leave a comment....

A Crissy and stoogepie Fairytale

I haven’t been around much lately so I haven’t been posting much. Crissy over at crissyspage.com was nice enough to offer to help out by working with me on a comic. We even got a subtle product placement deal worked out. See whether you can spot it.

You probably already figured it out but, yes, here is our sponsor.

Thank you Bag O’ Dicks!

And thank you, Crissy! Swing by Crissy’s and leave her a comment or squeeze her tits or something.

That’s it for me and fairytales for a while unless another sponsor forks over some cash.

Leave a comment....

My Children’s Book

First, I wrote a guest post for Crissy’s blog.  This is not only a real honor for me, but also signals the decline of Crissy’s mental state.  Soon she will go completely nuts and ask Osama Bin Laden to guest blog for her.  So, hurry up and go there now and read my post!  Do it!!

Alright, it has taken me a really long time to finish my e-book.  That’s because I’m not really good at writing things that are work-friendly and/or kid-friendly.  But here it is.

Click on this picture to open the PDF file.  It was just too big to post as a series of pictures.  If you have a problem viewing it in your browser (Firefox and Adobe Acrobat don’t like each other too much), you will need to download it by right-clicking on the image and then saving it to view it.

I am a very bad judge of these things, but I think this is safe to open at work.  And it is a touching story that children will love and learn from.  So, share it with your kids.

That’s all I have to say about the e-book.

Leave a comment....

StoogeNotes: Kafka’s Metamorphosis

When I was getting my Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Beverage Therapy with a minor in Condometry, I did not have all that much spare time to devote to classes.  Needless to say, I definitely did not have time to read all of the fucking books I was supposed to read for those classes.  I did not even have time to read the goddamn Cliff Notes.

So, I usually just talked to people who had already taken those classes and asked them what the books were about.  In this way, I could get an entire semester’s “reading” done over a few beers and a bag of weed.

For all you youngsters reading my blog, please do not take any unintended messages away from this.  While it’s true that I graduated from an Ivy League University with honors and today have an awesome job and am, in general , a bigshot at whom women throw themselves because I am considered A Good Catch, it’s also true that I never experienced the pleasure or gained the wisdom that those classic works of literature had to offer.  Furthermore, I never got the edumacation for which my trust fund so dearly paid, and that is why I am so stoopid today.  Meanwhile, I constantly worry that The Man will one day realize just how insanely ignorant I am of literary classics and will, as a result, take away my expense account and the secretaries and interns who give me blowjobs every day.

All that I’m saying is — and this is for you kids out there — there is really only one lesson to be learned from all of this: if you are willing to share your dope, you never, ever need to read a book.  Please don’t read anything more into any of this.

Now, I know that some of you don’t have any dope to share, because you are poor, or because your parents sent you to some fucked up redneck bible college in Texas or Tennessee, or because you are afraid of violating the conditions of your parole.  There is no shame in any of that, except for those of you attending the redneck bible colleges.

Stoogepie to the rescue.  Again.

Because I am a Major Celebrity, I feel like I should give something back to society in addition to my court-mandated hours of community service.  So from time to time, I will post StoogeNotes™.  These are ultra-condensed versions of classic literature.  These summaries are more than enough to get you through a class about a particular piece of literature and, if you are creative, will even get you through an essay.  And they will take, like, five minutes to read.

And you don’t need to be in school to enlighten yourself by reading these summaries of classic literature.  Bringing up classic literature is a great icebreaker at parties.  And I have found that many women bring up classic literary figures as a sort of benchmark at clubs and bars to decide whether you are, indeed, worthy of fucking them up the ass later that night.

Today’s StoogeNotes™ selection is Kafka’s Metamorphosis.

Summary:
The story opens when this dude, Gregor Somethingorother, awakens from a night of wet dreams to find that his nose is full of cockroaches.  Not those huge American cockroaches, but those little, disgusting German cockroaches like we have here in New York City.  See, the story takes place in Germany, so it is those nasty-assed little German roaches that are up Gregor’s nose.

Pretty much, most of the rest of the story is Gregor thinking about having cockroaches up his nose.  Really.

Finally, because it is hard to breathe with all those damn cockroaches scurrying around up his nose, Gregor goes to the doctor.  After Gregor fills out a lot of paperwork because Germany has socialized medicine, he encounters this really hot, sexy German nurse.  He eyes the nurse lustily while thinking about titty-fucking her, but he just tells her that he has a horde of roaches up his nose. 

The sexy nurse tells Gregor he should just blow his nose and hands him a handkerchief, because Kleenex had not yet been invented when this story was written.  Gregor blows his nose and about a billion cockroaches stream out and Gregor dies.

The End.

Questions your professor might ask:  Were the roaches up Gregor’s nose a symbol of something else, like snot?  Or were they just, you know, roaches up a dude’s nose?  Also, what’s up with all those fucking roaches up somebody’s nose?

Trivia to impress your professor, especially if she is a hot teaching assistant:  In Kafka’s original draft of Metamorphosis, the sexy nurse tells Gregor to lay down and she then attempts to kill the cockroaches up his nose by stomping on them with her stiletto heels.  That is how Gregor dies at the story’s end.  The publisher of the story demanded that Kafka rewrite the ending because stomping on a person’s face with stiletto heels was an accepted medical practice at the time in Germany and, in fact, is still a common feature in German porn.  The publisher did not want to infuriate the medical community and lay readers by implying that stomping on someone’s face was dangerous.  So, Kafka changed the ending to have Gregor simply blow his nose, which all Germans knew might just kill a dude.

That’s it for this installment of StoogeNotes™.  Next time, who knows what fucking story I will summarize?

Leave a comment....