A Crissy and stoogepie Fairytale

I haven’t been around much lately so I haven’t been posting much. Crissy over at crissyspage.com was nice enough to offer to help out by working with me on a comic. We even got a subtle product placement deal worked out. See whether you can spot it.

You probably already figured it out but, yes, here is our sponsor.

Thank you Bag O’ Dicks!

And thank you, Crissy! Swing by Crissy’s and leave her a comment or squeeze her tits or something.

That’s it for me and fairytales for a while unless another sponsor forks over some cash.

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Christmas Toys for Twats

I know that some people like this holiday season. And I love bullshit as much as anyone. But seriously, I had a gift to get and stopped in Saks in midtown yesterday. And, shit. The place was packed full of shoppers with vacant eyes like chickens on the conveyor belt at Perdue. Everyone looked like they had entered the store starving and maybe Saks had hidden a sandwich in a gaudy purse or a fragrance gift pack.

Also, it was way too crowded to enjoy shoplifting. Really. It felt like work.

So, as much as I adore bullshit, I am not a big fan of these holidays.

Still, I can write about the holidays. In fact, I hardly know where to start. Should I tell you about the parts of It’s A Wonderful Life that give me a raging hard-on? Or how hanging mistletoe from my belt buckle is finally starting to get old? Or how putting a wreath around your dick sounds like a very festive thing to do until those little pine needles start to sting?

Well, I guess I should tell you that I do not have a traditional Christmas tree at all. I did, however, design this Christmas buttplug that I think is very cheerful and that I hope to stuff up some lucky woman’s ass early Christmas morning while carolers sing far below the stoogepen.

But really, Christmas is not about me. Christmas is all about the kids. It’s the children that make Christmas what it is. Really, Santa Claus doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with Jesus. Neither does Rudolph the Alcoholic Reindeer or Frosty the Cokeman. All of those things are for kids. Children love dysfunctional claymation creations and they love presents. Mostly, they love presents. That’s what Christmas is really all about: bling. Toys. Shit.

For the last few years, I have donated toys to a charity for kids. It’s called Toys for Twats™. See, more and more, kids toys are realistic. They celebrate the real world, a world of sex and terrorists and death. Not just videogames, but all toys. Toys for Twats™ gives toys to boys and girls and, for years, I have made my own toys and also purchased toys for this worthwhile charity.

So, here are just a few of my favorite Toys for Twats™ toys from over the years.

Horror Barbie

Recently, I saw this Barbie doll.

This is Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’ Barbie® Doll. This Barbie is in the process of getting pecked to death by birds. That’s right. Barbie takes on a horror role and is being attacked by clawing, eye-pecking, flesh ripping birds. This may be the most awesome Barbie yet!

I hope this is a theme. I hope Barbie does all the great horror films. In case Mattel is looking for any ideas, I suggest Cannibal Holocaust for their next horror film tie-in. I think kids would find that a lot more exciting than The Birds. I mean, The Birds is pretty fucking old and is in black and white, you know? Cannibal Holocaust is pretty old but not quite as old, and at least it is in color.

Of course, you’ll have to supply your own blood.

Stuffed Things

Kids like stuffed shit. I have never understood this. What the fuck is so good about a stuffed thing? Even if it looks like a bear or whatever, it is just a fucking pillow. If you give a kid a pillow, he would look at you like you were out of your fucking mind. But give him a pillow that looks remotely like a dinosaur, and he will carry it with him to his first fucking job interview. Dude, that’s a fucking pillow!

Anyways, I couldn’t see the fascination with pillows, but here is one that caught my attention.

This is the Snugglers for Girls Cinderella. Notice the giant condom-covered cocks in the background with the purple reservoir tips? See, now this is a pillow I think teaches kids something. Safe sex is important.

Anyways, I have made some stuffed pillow-like shit to give to kids, too. And I think my stuffed shit also teaches all sorts of valuable lessons.

And, yes, in case you were wondering, the clit squeaks when you squeeze it.

Dick in the Box

Boys love to play with their own dicks. And this is one of those things that a boy never outgrows.

So, I guess this toy doesn’t really make all that much sense. I guess if I’m ever too old to play with my own dick, I would want a toy dick. And girls don’t have dicks, so this toy might make sense for them. And gay boys might enjoy this toy as well. Oh, who am I kidding. Dicks are just fun. Period. That’s why we tell so many dick jokes. Dicks are just a barrel of laughs. Who needs babies? Dicks are bundles of joy.

But, you know, if you already have a baby or something, here is a dick toy it can play with.

Merry Whatever-the-Fuck-You-Celebrate

Maybe I’ll post something else before Christmas, but the chances are slim. So Merry Fucking Christmas just in case. I know that all of you do not celebrate White Christmas, so Happy Jewish Christmas or Black Christmas or Arab Christmas or whatever the fuck bullshit Christmas you celebrate. And Happy New Year, even though I know some of you have your own goddamn New Year, too.

Oh, this is also the last Christmas that George Bush will be president and Dick Cheney will be Vice President. So, a very special very White Merry Christmas to them. For all they have done for us, I made a very special Christmas tree for them.

That’s all I have to say about Christmas unless I decide to post more toys or something. Who knows, right? In the meantime, if you’re looking to stuff a holiday buttplug up your ass, drop me a line.

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Vadgets™ and Bumballs™

Yeah, I haven’t been posting enough.  Well, I’ve gotten really busy with a project that has nothing at all to do with this blog.  And, aside from that, it’s the summer.  You may be so old that summer doesn’t mean you spend a lot more time outdoors, but I’m not.

So, my big project ends at the end of August, then I go away for a week.  And summer will be all over then.  Normal posting schedules will resume.

Anyways, I have an awesome new invention to share with you.

What better way to propose than to stick a ring up your ass and let her dig it out, huh?  How could she say no?

That’s all I have to say about Vadgets™ and Bumballs™ except that, until Vadgets™ and Bumballs™ are widely available, feel free to stick things up your ass the old fashioned way.

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Alabama Needs Dildos

I have discussed the ban on the sale of sex toys in Alabama before.  I want Alabama to repeal this law.  In September of 2007, a bill that would have repealed the ban on sex toys was killed in Alabama’s House of Representatives.  The good news is that, at the same session, the Alabama House of Representatives also killed a bill, called the Alabama Academic Freedom Act, that would have made it okay for teachers in Alabama schools to teach children that Jesus served dinosaur steaks at the last supper.

In fairness, I should mention that, until very recently, Texas and Mississippi had also banned sales of sex toys.  In February of this year, the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals struck down the Texas law.  Since Mississippi is also in the 5th Circuit, that decision renders the ban in Mississippi essentially unenforceable (though it is still on the books).

That leaves Alabama.  Alabama, in the 11th Federal Circuit, is unaffected by decisions in the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Alabama is, of course, otherwise a thoroughly modern state.  It even repealed its law against interracial marriages in 2000.  At the dawn of the twenty-first century, only 42% of Alabama citizens voted against allowing white people to marry black people.  How fucking progressive.

A little more than a year ago, the 11th Circuit, Alabama’s Federal Circuit Court of Appeals, found that a ban against sex toys was perfectly fine as far as the United States Constitution is concerned because “there was no ... right to sexual privacy” and “concerns over public morality” are a legitimate basis for any law.  In the spirit of romance, they filed this opinion on Valentine’s Day, 2007.

Also about a year ago, the same 11th Circuit Court of Appeals found that mental retardation is not a disability.  They wrote, “It is unclear whether thinking, communicating and social interaction are ‘major life activities….’”  This explains a lot.

Anyway, I am not here to rag on Alabama.  I want to celebrate Alabama.  For your benefit, Alabama, I am here to show you that, with your silly ban on sex toys, you are missing out.  There are sex toys out there that would especially appeal to the people of your fine state.  This is really just a random sample of a few of my favorites, but it will convince you to repeal your ban on sex toys.

You have seen blow-up dolls, Alabama.  You obviously don’t really think blow-up dolls are all that special or you would be screaming about this whole sex-toy ban.  I can’t imagine why you don’t find blow-up dolls as attractive as the rest of the country.

But Alabama is also the third fattest state in the nation, narrowly (or not so narrowly) behind Mississippi’s and West Virginia’s fat asses.  So, Alabama, have you seen this?

Come on.  You know you want one.

Also, Alabama has the second highest rate of uninsured motorists in the nation.  A whopping twenty-five percent — yes, 25% — of drivers on the road in Alabama are uninsured.  (Again, Alabama was beat narrowly only by Mississippi.)  And most of those uninsured motorists are fat.

Uninsured motorists are responsible for a disproportionate number of accidents that result in serious, life-changing injury.  As a result, there are probably more than a few people in Alabama (and Mississippi) who look like this sex toy.

Sexy, huh?  It’s like it was made with your state in mind.

Finally, as the 11th Circuit stated, Alabama passed this silly sex-toy ban because it is concerned with public morality.  I suggest that, if that is truly Alabama’s concern, it could pass a law instead that says people shouldn’t play with their sex toys in public.

I suspect that there is also a religious motivation.  Alabama is squarely in the bible belt with the bible belt’s higher-than-the-national-average rates of divorce, crime, alcoholism, and domestic violence.  In addition, Alabama is the home of ex-Judge Roy Moore.  Roy Moore was the Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court who refused to remove the ten commandments from the state courthouse in 2003.  As a result, he had to be forcibly removed from his post as Chief Justice: he was violating the law by ignoring federal courts.  While Alabama is concerned with public morality when it comes to sex toys, it stands steadfastly behind a Chief Justice of its Supreme Court who publicly defies the law.

Sex toys can offer Alabama the best of both worlds without any hypocrisy.  Alabama can enjoy sex toys and religion in private.  And sex toys can enhance the religious experience.

First, we have Baby Jesus buttplugs, which I have discussed in the past.  The same company that makes the Baby Jesus buttplugs, Divine Interventions, also makes Moses dildos.  If you buy both you can use them in the privacy of your own home or even under the cloak of your judicial robes, enjoying the old and the new testaments in ways you never before dreamed.  You can bring Moses with you to the courthouse every day parting your sphincter just as he parted the Red Sea.  How is that for sticking it to the Constitution and its Separation of Church and State?

So, come on Alabama.  Get with the program.  Sex toys are okay and you know it.  Stop giving people reasons to write blogs about you.

You know, re-reading this entry, I think maybe I should write something about Mississippi some time.

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Hands are Bullshit

Handjobs suck.  Well, no, they don’t suck.  They don’t suck, or bite, or fuck.  They are just handjobs. 

So, I was looking at porn offerings recently and came upon happened upon handjob porn.  These include “Handjob Heaven,” “Hand Job Honeys,” “Handjobs Across America 25,” “Killer Grip,” and Whack Jobs.”  These are real titles and, yes, the “Handjobs Across America” series is up to number 25.

Now, apparently, somebody out there likes watching dudes get handjobs.  Who the fuck are you people?

I don’t understand.  Alright, it’s cool when women touch your dick.  I get that.  But it’s cool because maybe they will help you do something you can’t do better all by yourself.  Like maybe a blowjob or a fuck is waiting in the wings.  Maybe she just loves your dick so much she wants to hold onto it.  Excellent!

I don’t like getting hand jobs.  I have far more experience giving myself handjobs than any woman in the world could possibly hope to compete with.  In fact, I think it’s safe to say that I am better at giving myself handjobs than anyone else in the world.  Maybe you are a woman who has given a lot of handjobs.  Maybe you are the biggest handjob slut in the world.  Maybe you think you can teach me a thing or two.  No. You. Can’t.

First let me explain something about jerking off that some women do not understand: men jerk off all the time.  It doesn’t matter how much fucking we get from you.  We do it because we can.  We do it because we can’t sleep or we are naked in the shower anyway or we have a free hand when we are on the phone with the cable company.

It really has nothing to do with sex.  Sure, if we had to compare it, sex with women is usually better.  But we still jerk off.  Because we can.

You know, sometimes I don’t really feel like jerking off.  Sometimes I’ve just had sex or maybe I’m just tired or I have work to do or whatever.  I simply don’t feel like jerking off.  Yet, I force myself.  I rape myself!  That’s how strong the drive is in men to jerk off.

Don’t even bother asking your man if he jerks off.  He will lie to you and tell you that he doesn’t.  He lies to you about a lot of things.

This is a little bit of a tangent, but I have often thought that almost all reality shows have nothing to do with reality.  I mean, how many of us are anything like any of the people in reality TV shows?  I am not a Top Chef or America’s Next Top Model.  I am not an incredibly skilled fashion designer or a brilliant home decorator or even a very good fisherman.  Stephen Hawking sings and dances better than I do.  Damnit, I’m not even a fat celebrity!  But I could probably win a reality show called, “Who Gives Stoogepie the Best Handjobs?”  I am the expert at that.  I am da shit.

Does any dude out there actually like getting a hand job?  I don’t mean, “well, if I can’t get a blowjob or a fuck, a handjob will do, and it’s still sexual interaction with a woman.”  Okay, I can see the “it’s a substitute for more desirable forms of sex” argument, even though her goddamn mouth and pussy and ass are right the fuck there doing nothing, so only getting her hand pisses me off.  But, fine, that’s not really what I’m talking about.  I mean, would any dude rather have a handjob than any other sex, so much so that he will buy porn that feature handjobs?

Maybe you think that dozens of porn videos that show women jerking men off is not so strange, even if we are up to Handjobs Across America number fucking 25?  Fine.  Different strokes (literally), right?  Well, this picture is worth a thousand words.

Okay, how exactly does this work?  So a dude holds this fake hand in his hand while he jerks off?  While he is jerking off, does he imagine that someone else is jerking him off?  Or does he imagine that someone else is holding the fake hand and using it to jerk him off?  What the fuck is wrong with some dudes?

Years ago, John Stagliano, the former porn stud famous for the Buttman series who today owns the awesome porn studio Evil Angel, said that “pussies are bullshit.”  He meant that, in the world of porn, the deepest truth is found in assfucking and beyond.  It’s a profound observation that I will bring up again and again.

Well, in the real world, hands are bullshit.  Yes, I suppose that for some of you it is better to get a handjob from a woman than no action at all, but meanwhile she is doing something that you have practiced and perfected since you were young and can almost certainly simply do better.  Hell, it would be fan-fucking-tastic if I had a woman around to scratch my balls when they itched and to pick my nose when I had a big crusty booger, but not because she could do a better job of it than I could.  Just because it would just be too fucking awesome.

But why the fuck would any guy prefer a handjob?  Why the hell would any dude in the universe rent handjob porn when there is such a wide selection of sublimely disgusting smut out there?  Why would any dude buy a fake goddamn hand when he has a hand.  In fact, he needs to have a hand to use the fake hand?

I don’t have the answers to these questions. 

Anyway, I just don’t get some dudes.  Hands are bullshit. 

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