Post-Fucking-Xmas Comic

Christmas for me this year wasn’t all that different from last year. No Clown-Faced Girl for me. I’m thinking that Santa did visit some of you. Well, congratu-fucking-lations.

Here is my post-Xmas comic. It doesn’t really have a title. I was going to call it, “Santa Gets His Groove On.” But that sucks. So, let’s just call it, “Stoogepie’s Post-Fucking-Xmas Comic.” Merry Post-Fucking-Xmas.

This fucked up year will be over soon. Good riddance, 2009. Don’t let any anvils fall on your head on the way out. Also, fuck you 2009. You sucked ass.

Happy New Year and Happy New Decade. Stoogepiety is coming. Men: eat cake with your porn, shave your pubes, stop wearing underwear, and start treating pigs with the respect they deserve. Women: wear thigh-highs, find more revealing outfits with very short skirts, stop wearing underwear, and start treating pigs with the respect they deserve.

That’s all I have to say about the holidays for now.

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Happy Biochemical Reaction Day

So, it’s Valentine’s Day as I write this. Or, more precisely, Saint Valentine’s Day.

Yeah, that’s right. This is a religious holiday.

Yep, this is a religious holiday, even though nobody knows who the fuck Saint Valentine was. In fact, there were numerous saints named “Valentine” and we don’t know shit about any of them. In 496 AD, when Pope Gelasius I first established the feast of Saint Valentine, he said that nobody knew one fucking thing about the dude. If the fucking pope didn’t know shit about a saint 1,500 years ago, you can be pretty sure that we are not in better shape today. Usually, all we know about saints are the lies told a couple of hundred years or so after they died.

I know that a lot of you say, “Whatev. Valentine’s Day ain’t no fucking religious holiday. It is all about just telling someone you love that you love them. What’s wrong with that?”

There’s nothing wrong with that. And all that Valentine’s Day stands for supports that very sentiment. Valentine’s Day may, for that very reason, be the most perfect holiday ever.

See, on President’s Day we get a fucking day off and we don’t do shit. What has being on vacation got to do with any president except George W. Bush? And on Christmas we exchange gifts and decorate trees that we chop down so that they can die in our living rooms. What has that got to do with Jesus or even with zombies in general? And on Thanksgiving we eat like disgusting fucking pigs and then nap and watch football all day. What has that got to do with being American? Okay, never mind that last one.

But on Valentine’s Day, we do lots of things that symbolize modern love. We exchange cards, which are mass-produced emotions we are supposed to feel. We go out to expensive restaurants that we can’t actually afford to eat at everyday, to get food and service we wish our spouses would provide for us. We exchange huge candy assortments knowing that we will only like maybe three or four of the fifty candy pieces, but we will suffer and eat the other 47 nasty candies because, well, they’re there. We give flowers that we will watch wither and die as they struggle to live and reproduce before death takes them and they are forgotten forever. What could better symbolize modern love and marriage than these things, and paying twice as much for them as at any other time of the year?

The things we do on Valentine’s Day are perfectly symbolic. Valentine’s Day is the most symbolically honest holiday ever!

I know that, in a country in which, by all accounts, the divorce rate for all marriages is close to fifty percent, it may be hard to get behind this whole Valentine’s Day thing. Maybe you even have a hard time getting your head wrapped around the whole idea of love.

But don’t let divorce rates hinder your appreciation of love. Divorce is complicated and really shouldn’t be used as a gauge. For instance, divorce is higher among conservative and born-again Christians than among any other group, including atheists and agnostics. And divorce is highest in Bible Belt states, with Florida number one in the nation followed closely by Texas. God is love? I don’t think so.

But here is the thing. You can excuse the bible thumpers for not knowing what love is. After all, Adam and Eve never fell in love. They just got stuck with one another. Maybe they spent their days fucking when God was not walking around the Garden of Eden naked talking to himself, but love is never mentioned in Genesis.

So the Christians have an excuse. You atheists, who are not stoopid, believe in evolution. You believe that humans, like other animals, have evolved with an optimal strategy for reproduction. Love has nothing to do with it and, in fact, to the extent love exists at all, it is biochemical.

Human behavior dictates that monogamy is social and not genetic. After all, the divorce rates aside, 50-60% of men and 45-55% of women have extramarital affairs. But, to the extent that we feel an attraction to another person, those of you who believe in evolution know this must be a biochemical response to an evolutionary need to reproduce. The same way you feel hunger and cravings rather than actually feeling the emptiness of your stomach or the need for particular nutrients, you feel love because you need to bust a nut. The same way you feel fear rather than actually hearing your blood pumping more quickly through your veins or adrenaline thrusting itself into your bloodstream, you feel love when you want to fuck. In fact, love feels a lot like hunger and fear.

And, of course, we know from history that humans were not monogamous. At the very least, they were polygynous, with one man having as many wives as he could afford. I’m sure those dudes loved each and every one of them, too.

That’s why women are so into wealthy men. Oh, I know you hate when people say shit like that. Well, I didn’t put Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire on TV. Also, when was the last time you dated a homeless dude? What, you’ve never dated a homeless dude? Isn’t that interesting? If love was truly blind, every now and then a woman would fall for someone entirely beneath them in social status. But that’s a real rarity, as it turns out.

Study after study confirms a few things. First, women look for signs of wealth in men as a first determinant of attractiveness. Men look for physical beauty first and, as a result, prefer younger women. Women are not so picky when it comes to age: status is key to them.

That’s what love is all about.

So, to all you lovers out there, happy biochemical reaction to environmental stimuli that maximizes your chances for reproduction and optimizes species survivability and adaptability! Or, put another way, Happy Saint Valentine’s Day!

Actually, I’m posting this so late that it won’t be Saint Valentine’s Day anymore by the time you read this.

But Valentine’s Day also happens to be stoogepie’s birthday. So happy fucking birthday to me.

That’s all I have to say about that.

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President Sarah Palin

I wrote a really long post about John McCain and Sarah Palin, but I’m not going to post it. I will be posting that in bits and pieces because it was way too fucking long to post in one sitting. A lot of the post has to do with Bristol Palin because I am in a really good position to write about fundamentalist redneck teens fucking and making new fundamentalist rednecks.

In this post, I will only cover the basics and not really go into Slutpuppy Bristol and her Redneck Baby Daddy.

On August 29, 2008, John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate in the race for president. Sarah Palin has been governor of Alaska for two years and, before that, was perhaps the worst mayor the tiny town of Wasilla had ever had. She was almost recalled as mayor but lasted until she ran for governor. When she became mayor, Wasilla had a budget of $3.9 million and zero debt. Sarah Palin, whom McCain calls a reformer, fiscal conservative, and “tough minded budget cutter,” left the tiny town six years later with a $5.8 million dollar budget and $20 million in debt—about $3,000 per resident—in spite of getting about $27 million in earmarks with the help of a hired Washington lobbyist. So, she’s a tough-minded budget cutter and fiscal conservative just like George W. Bush has been!

As for her being a reformer, well, yeah, as mayor of Wasilla she did fire the town librarian after asking the librarian to censor library books. At the same time, she fired the sheriff because he had supported her rival in the preceding election. And then there is TrooperGate. See, Sarah Palin’s sister had a pretty nasty divorce and her husband was a state trooper. So, naturally, as soon as she became governor, Palin told the top law enforcement official in the state, the Safety Commissioner, to fire her ex-brother-in-law. He refused, so Palin fired the Safety Commissioner instead.

In that investigation, Palin is refusing to turn over 1,100 emails, citing the Deliberative Process and Executive Privilege. Now, many of these emails can’t have anything at all to do with governing Alaska. For instance, a series of the emails have the subject heading “re Andrew Halcro.” Andrew Halcro is a blogger who ran against Palin as an independent in the 2006 governor’s race and his blog has since been pretty critical of Palin. What could emails about him have to do with governing Alaska? Before you come up with some excuse, Todd Palin is copied on a lot of these “privileged” emails. Here is a page from the privilege log. Todd Palin, Sarah’s husband, is not an elected official. He works for BP, the oil company. So, how can emails he is copied on ever be privileged? They can’t. But Palin only needs to keep them secret for two more months. Does Sarah Palin sound more and more like Dick Cheney to you?

The big problem is that, from an actuarial perspective, Sarah Palin is very likely to become president if McCain is elected president. First, McCain is 72 years old, so it’s anybody’s guess whether he will even survive until November. And he has survived multiple bouts with cancer in those 72 years. But let’s face it: it’s a miracle that McCain has survived this long, because we all know that government-controlled healthcare doesn’t work.

See, for all of McCain’s 72 years, McCain has had government-controlled health care. His father was an admiral so, as a child until he went to Vietnam, he had government-controlled health care. Then during Vietnam, he obviously had government-run healthcare. After Vietnam, he had veterans’ benefits when they still provided adequate health care. Then, once he became a congressman, he became entitled to the congressional health care package, which is, of course, run entirely by the government. And neither he nor his millionaire wife has ever complained about their “government-run health care system where a bureaucrat stands between you and your doctor,” but that doesn’t mean he isn’t right on the money. Why else would he so vehemently oppose giving you the same benefit he has enjoyed his entire life? McCain must know he is on the verge of death thanks to 72 years of government-run healthcare with a bureaucrat standing between him and his doctor.

So, before you vote for McCain, it’s a good thing to try to envision what a Palin presidency would look like. Unfortunately, besides the information I’ve already talked about, we don’t have much to go on. Well, there are the statements that both McCain and Palin have made but, as Paul Krugman of the New York Times said, “I can’t think of any precedent, at least in America, for the blizzard of lies since the Republican convention…. [T]he McCain campaign keeps making assertions that anyone with an Internet connection can disprove in a minute, and repeating these assertions over and over again.” We can’t trust a lot of what they say because, really, they have lied and lied and lied.

But we do know that Palin is a fundamentalist Christian who, like many fundamentalist Christians, is fine with telling demonstrable falsehoods. She believes “in a literal translation of the Bible.” That is, the bible is all true. That shit really happened exactly as it’s written.

So, I think Sarah Palin might have some radical ideas about how we should run this country. For instance, when it comes to national defense.

Palin also might be just the person to innovate when it comes to both social and environmental issues.

Palin also has an interesting take on global warming.

Since it looks like McCain stands a good chance of winning because the American people love lies almost as much as they love war, we should get to see soon enough how Palin governs as president.

That’s not all I have to say about Palin but that’s all I’ll say about her right now.

Coming soon, Mister Shorts. And even before that, my very first contest ever: the Nude MILF Contest! Check back, because I’ll be giving away some serious prizes worth more than $500! No shit!

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Stoogepiety: In The Beginning

There is a Christian in Texas who says that doomsday begins tomorrow, on June 12th.  Set your clocks.  (Just in case that link goes dead due to armageddon, check out this link.)

This got me thinking.  Suppose this dude is right and the beginning of the end is tomorrow?  Would all of you Christians who scoffed at this dude and ignored him and ridiculed him join me poolside in hell?

My bigger question is: why are you Christians so confident that faith leads to anything other than rich televangelists and an ever-growing list of Christian evangelical scandals?

Hey, Jesus was a Jew, right?  And all the most devout Jews around him did not believe he was the messiah.  And don’t tell me that they were doing something wrong.  Jane and Joe Israelite were doing their best, following what we now call the Old Testament, and — just like you — listening to the spiritual guidance of someone who said he had all the answers but who was also always worried about some Expensive Religious Emergency that needed to be paid for before next week’s episode.

And, fuck, even Jesus’s own brothers and sisters did not believe him!  I mean, the three stooges wise men had recognized him on sight, but thirty long goddamn years later after living with Him and who knows how many fucking miracles and mom and dad talking about the virgin birth and King Herod and frankincense and myrrh, his own fucking brothers and sisters were unconvinced!  That had to hurt.

So what makes Christians today think that they will recognize the new messiah when he or she strolls along the next time?  The most devout Jews didn’t recognize him the first time.  Only a handful of people paid any attention at all.  And, I mean, this is a dude who created an army of zombies and was a zombie himself!

Let me change gears here for a moment because I am going somewhere with this.  Like I said, this prophesy about the world ending tomorrow got me thinking, so I decided I would pick up my bible and look it over again.

Anyway, I was reading my bible while waiting for the train today on my way to work when this woman — not a hot woman — who was sitting next to me on the subway platform wants to talk about the bible.

I’m paraphrasing, but that really is pretty much how the conversation went.

All that I’m saying is this: I know that all you supposedly righteous Christians will scoff when my Stoogepiety™ ministry starts up.  But you had better watch out.  Just like happened 2,000 years ago, you just might not recognize Christianity 2.0 or Judaism 3.0 or whatever you want to call it, even as it is damning you to an infernal eternity in the Lake of Boredom.  And you will probably just kill me.  And the difference is that when I come back as a zombie with my army of zombies, we will eat your fucking brains and draw goddamn comics about it.

The time draws nigh.  Yes, nigh.

Anyway, here is a preview of the kind of dogma you can expect from Stoogepiety™: Forget all that other bullshit.  You are meat.  Get used to it.  Thanks for playing.

And here is my very first prophesy: the world will not end tomorrow. 

Stay tuned for miracles.

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Hands are Bullshit

Handjobs suck.  Well, no, they don’t suck.  They don’t suck, or bite, or fuck.  They are just handjobs. 

So, I was looking at porn offerings recently and came upon happened upon handjob porn.  These include “Handjob Heaven,” “Hand Job Honeys,” “Handjobs Across America 25,” “Killer Grip,” and Whack Jobs.”  These are real titles and, yes, the “Handjobs Across America” series is up to number 25.

Now, apparently, somebody out there likes watching dudes get handjobs.  Who the fuck are you people?

I don’t understand.  Alright, it’s cool when women touch your dick.  I get that.  But it’s cool because maybe they will help you do something you can’t do better all by yourself.  Like maybe a blowjob or a fuck is waiting in the wings.  Maybe she just loves your dick so much she wants to hold onto it.  Excellent!

I don’t like getting hand jobs.  I have far more experience giving myself handjobs than any woman in the world could possibly hope to compete with.  In fact, I think it’s safe to say that I am better at giving myself handjobs than anyone else in the world.  Maybe you are a woman who has given a lot of handjobs.  Maybe you are the biggest handjob slut in the world.  Maybe you think you can teach me a thing or two.  No. You. Can’t.

First let me explain something about jerking off that some women do not understand: men jerk off all the time.  It doesn’t matter how much fucking we get from you.  We do it because we can.  We do it because we can’t sleep or we are naked in the shower anyway or we have a free hand when we are on the phone with the cable company.

It really has nothing to do with sex.  Sure, if we had to compare it, sex with women is usually better.  But we still jerk off.  Because we can.

You know, sometimes I don’t really feel like jerking off.  Sometimes I’ve just had sex or maybe I’m just tired or I have work to do or whatever.  I simply don’t feel like jerking off.  Yet, I force myself.  I rape myself!  That’s how strong the drive is in men to jerk off.

Don’t even bother asking your man if he jerks off.  He will lie to you and tell you that he doesn’t.  He lies to you about a lot of things.

This is a little bit of a tangent, but I have often thought that almost all reality shows have nothing to do with reality.  I mean, how many of us are anything like any of the people in reality TV shows?  I am not a Top Chef or America’s Next Top Model.  I am not an incredibly skilled fashion designer or a brilliant home decorator or even a very good fisherman.  Stephen Hawking sings and dances better than I do.  Damnit, I’m not even a fat celebrity!  But I could probably win a reality show called, “Who Gives Stoogepie the Best Handjobs?”  I am the expert at that.  I am da shit.

Does any dude out there actually like getting a hand job?  I don’t mean, “well, if I can’t get a blowjob or a fuck, a handjob will do, and it’s still sexual interaction with a woman.”  Okay, I can see the “it’s a substitute for more desirable forms of sex” argument, even though her goddamn mouth and pussy and ass are right the fuck there doing nothing, so only getting her hand pisses me off.  But, fine, that’s not really what I’m talking about.  I mean, would any dude rather have a handjob than any other sex, so much so that he will buy porn that feature handjobs?

Maybe you think that dozens of porn videos that show women jerking men off is not so strange, even if we are up to Handjobs Across America number fucking 25?  Fine.  Different strokes (literally), right?  Well, this picture is worth a thousand words.

Okay, how exactly does this work?  So a dude holds this fake hand in his hand while he jerks off?  While he is jerking off, does he imagine that someone else is jerking him off?  Or does he imagine that someone else is holding the fake hand and using it to jerk him off?  What the fuck is wrong with some dudes?

Years ago, John Stagliano, the former porn stud famous for the Buttman series who today owns the awesome porn studio Evil Angel, said that “pussies are bullshit.”  He meant that, in the world of porn, the deepest truth is found in assfucking and beyond.  It’s a profound observation that I will bring up again and again.

Well, in the real world, hands are bullshit.  Yes, I suppose that for some of you it is better to get a handjob from a woman than no action at all, but meanwhile she is doing something that you have practiced and perfected since you were young and can almost certainly simply do better.  Hell, it would be fan-fucking-tastic if I had a woman around to scratch my balls when they itched and to pick my nose when I had a big crusty booger, but not because she could do a better job of it than I could.  Just because it would just be too fucking awesome.

But why the fuck would any guy prefer a handjob?  Why the hell would any dude in the universe rent handjob porn when there is such a wide selection of sublimely disgusting smut out there?  Why would any dude buy a fake goddamn hand when he has a hand.  In fact, he needs to have a hand to use the fake hand?

I don’t have the answers to these questions. 

Anyway, I just don’t get some dudes.  Hands are bullshit. 

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