Alabama Needs Dildos

I have discussed the ban on the sale of sex toys in Alabama before.  I want Alabama to repeal this law.  In September of 2007, a bill that would have repealed the ban on sex toys was killed in Alabama’s House of Representatives.  The good news is that, at the same session, the Alabama House of Representatives also killed a bill, called the Alabama Academic Freedom Act, that would have made it okay for teachers in Alabama schools to teach children that Jesus served dinosaur steaks at the last supper.

In fairness, I should mention that, until very recently, Texas and Mississippi had also banned sales of sex toys.  In February of this year, the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals struck down the Texas law.  Since Mississippi is also in the 5th Circuit, that decision renders the ban in Mississippi essentially unenforceable (though it is still on the books).

That leaves Alabama.  Alabama, in the 11th Federal Circuit, is unaffected by decisions in the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Alabama is, of course, otherwise a thoroughly modern state.  It even repealed its law against interracial marriages in 2000.  At the dawn of the twenty-first century, only 42% of Alabama citizens voted against allowing white people to marry black people.  How fucking progressive.

A little more than a year ago, the 11th Circuit, Alabama’s Federal Circuit Court of Appeals, found that a ban against sex toys was perfectly fine as far as the United States Constitution is concerned because “there was no ... right to sexual privacy” and “concerns over public morality” are a legitimate basis for any law.  In the spirit of romance, they filed this opinion on Valentine’s Day, 2007.

Also about a year ago, the same 11th Circuit Court of Appeals found that mental retardation is not a disability.  They wrote, “It is unclear whether thinking, communicating and social interaction are ‘major life activities….’”  This explains a lot.

Anyway, I am not here to rag on Alabama.  I want to celebrate Alabama.  For your benefit, Alabama, I am here to show you that, with your silly ban on sex toys, you are missing out.  There are sex toys out there that would especially appeal to the people of your fine state.  This is really just a random sample of a few of my favorites, but it will convince you to repeal your ban on sex toys.

You have seen blow-up dolls, Alabama.  You obviously don’t really think blow-up dolls are all that special or you would be screaming about this whole sex-toy ban.  I can’t imagine why you don’t find blow-up dolls as attractive as the rest of the country.

But Alabama is also the third fattest state in the nation, narrowly (or not so narrowly) behind Mississippi’s and West Virginia’s fat asses.  So, Alabama, have you seen this?

Come on.  You know you want one.

Also, Alabama has the second highest rate of uninsured motorists in the nation.  A whopping twenty-five percent — yes, 25% — of drivers on the road in Alabama are uninsured.  (Again, Alabama was beat narrowly only by Mississippi.)  And most of those uninsured motorists are fat.

Uninsured motorists are responsible for a disproportionate number of accidents that result in serious, life-changing injury.  As a result, there are probably more than a few people in Alabama (and Mississippi) who look like this sex toy.

Sexy, huh?  It’s like it was made with your state in mind.

Finally, as the 11th Circuit stated, Alabama passed this silly sex-toy ban because it is concerned with public morality.  I suggest that, if that is truly Alabama’s concern, it could pass a law instead that says people shouldn’t play with their sex toys in public.

I suspect that there is also a religious motivation.  Alabama is squarely in the bible belt with the bible belt’s higher-than-the-national-average rates of divorce, crime, alcoholism, and domestic violence.  In addition, Alabama is the home of ex-Judge Roy Moore.  Roy Moore was the Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court who refused to remove the ten commandments from the state courthouse in 2003.  As a result, he had to be forcibly removed from his post as Chief Justice: he was violating the law by ignoring federal courts.  While Alabama is concerned with public morality when it comes to sex toys, it stands steadfastly behind a Chief Justice of its Supreme Court who publicly defies the law.

Sex toys can offer Alabama the best of both worlds without any hypocrisy.  Alabama can enjoy sex toys and religion in private.  And sex toys can enhance the religious experience.

First, we have Baby Jesus buttplugs, which I have discussed in the past.  The same company that makes the Baby Jesus buttplugs, Divine Interventions, also makes Moses dildos.  If you buy both you can use them in the privacy of your own home or even under the cloak of your judicial robes, enjoying the old and the new testaments in ways you never before dreamed.  You can bring Moses with you to the courthouse every day parting your sphincter just as he parted the Red Sea.  How is that for sticking it to the Constitution and its Separation of Church and State?

So, come on Alabama.  Get with the program.  Sex toys are okay and you know it.  Stop giving people reasons to write blogs about you.

You know, re-reading this entry, I think maybe I should write something about Mississippi some time.

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No Fat Jokes

I don’t make fun of fat people for a number of reasons.  Principle among those reasons is that fat people are bigger than I am.  They can squish me.  If the world were truly a Darwinian playground, fat people would rule us all.  We would most fear fat people wearing big shoes because they could step on us.  The fattest fatties with the biggest feet would be our kings and queens.

Instead, we treat fat people like shit.  We call fat people “obese,” which is not so bad because “obese” is just a word that means “fat.”  But we call the fattest fatties “morbidly obese.”  Is that very nice?  I mean, look up the word “morbid” on dictionary.com.  That is just plain old disrespectful.  We don’t have a nasty-assed name like that for any other group.  For instance, you don’t hear people calling old folks “cadaverously old” or “lifelessly geriatric” or anything, and that is an accurate description of somebody whose social security number is in fucking roman numerals.  Meanwhile, we could kick old people’s asses!  I mean, the skinniest person could step on any human fossil and squish it.  And let’s face it: we all look at grandma every now and then and wonder whether she is good for anything at all, and follow that up by briefly musing about whether she contains any nutrients we could use.  But we treat her nice anyway and smile as she tells us about how, when she was just a girl, she ate nothing but broken glass for an entire winter and wore red potato peels in her hair just to be fashionable.  Yeah, right, granny.  Still, we don’t even accurately call old people “delusionally old” or anything.  But it’s okay to call fat people “morbidly obese?”

We should respect fat people.  They are bigger than we are!  They could squish us!  And, if we keep disrespecting them, they will squish us.  Listen, we have all heard news about people so fat that they can’t fit through their front doors to leave their homes, and that may be all that saves us from their wrath. 

When you think about it, it’s got to suck to be so fat that you can’t leave your home.  And there must be some particular day when that happens.  Like, you get dressed to meet some friends to go see a movie, and then you get to the front door and you just can’t fit through it.  You can’t get outside.  So, you call your friends and you have to tell them. 

That has just got to hurt, and there must be some anger behind that.  Even worse, imagine if you go out to have a disgustingly colossal dinner befitting a behemoth such as yourself and, when you get home, that’s when you can’t fit through your front door!  You’re just stuck out there on your front lawn wondering whether the lawn gnome tastes good.  Think about that the next time you presume that fat people don’t want to squish your skinny ass.

And what if all the fattiest fatsos got together tomorrow?  I don’t mean got together in the same place, because where would they all fit?  But I mean, what if they started their own social networking site, FatSpace or WhaleBook or something?  What if they all decided that they were going to squish us?  What could we do?

Very fat people are like superheroes.  They can absorb bullets.  They can flatten cars.  Yeah, they’re not so fast, but what does that get us?  Even if we could catch them and somehow wrestle them to the ground, handcuffs won’t fit on their bulging wrists.  And what jail cell could hold them?  Already, we let fat people out of prison because they are too fat for us to hold them.  Hey, this woman got house arrest — because she was too fat to leave her house anyway — after she killed a two-year-old, probably to make a sandwich!

So, don’t fuck with the fatsos.  They are not even the minority anymore.  I suggest that, before they organize the Million Pound March, we start to show fatsos the respect they deserve.  For instance, instead of calling them “morbidly obese,” why not “godlike obese?”  And maybe we should all follow Eddie Murphy’s and Tyler Perry’s lead, spending half of our lives in fat suits and making believe it is inexplicably funny.  Hey, Tyra Banks wore a fat suit for one day and she cried so much that genuine fatties in the audience of her show who wore a flesh-and-bones fat suit 365 fucking days a year consoled her.  Poor, skinny supermodel Tyra!

By “don’t fuck with the fatsos,” I don’t mean “don’t fuck the fatsos.”  There are a lot of dudes out there who are into fat chicks and vice versa.  More power to you!  There used to be a myth that all fat people were as happy and jolly as Santa Claus getting a Christmas blowjob, and that has been replaced with a myth that all fat people are depressed and lonely.  I suspect that, just like other people, fat people might just experience a full range of emotions.  In fact, fat people probably experience emotions more intensely than the rest of us, if you count hunger as an emotion.  Whether that’s true or not, to whatever extent we can, we should strive to keep fatties happy and satisfied so they don’t decide to squish us.  So, please, fuck fat people.  Fuck away.

Like many other people, I used to have a bias against fat people, with the slightly fat drawing less derision from me than the very fattiest fatsos.  I thought that making fun of fat people was okay.  Now I realize that this was nothing more than prejudice.  I don’t make fun of them anymore.  Yes, it’s true that every one of us knows a fatty we can track walking down the street by looking at satellite images on Google Maps.  Just don’t bring it up to them anymore.  And, yeah, we all know some fatsos who call restaurants and, instead of requesting reservations, get competitive bids.  Fine.  Just keep it to yourself.

I know that it sucks that we can hardly make jokes about anybody anymore.  The sense-of-humor deficit seems to be growing and growing.  Well, that’s a fact, and your jokes had better reflect it.  We can celebrate our differences as long as that celebration is somber rather than funny, or as long as we are celebrating our differences from able-bodied, very normal white dudes.  All I can say is that you had better realize this, too.  Otherwise, you might just get squished. 

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