My Brand New Computer

So, I spent a week building a computer from parts.  My old computer just stopped working right so I bought, first, a screaming new graphics card and, second, a more powerful power supply to fuel the screaming graphics card.  That didn’t help, so I said, “Fuck it.  I’ll buy a motherboard, a microprocessor, some RAM, and assorted other expensive shit to make a brand new computer.”  I was drunk when I said that.

And then I spent a whole week putting it together.  A.  Whole.  Week!  I did not go out to eat for that week.  I did not go to any clubs or get laid for that week.  I did watch some TV, but mostly out of frustration.  Every day after work I would come home to the $2,000+ brick sitting on my desk in pieces.  Then I would spend all night trying to get the fucking computer running by applying the new shit I had learned from the internet at my job while I had been pretending to work and to be a Good Noodle.  Yes, I drank during this time, but it was not pleasant drinking.  It was why-the-fuck-isn’t-this-piece-of-shit-working? drinking.  And I also engaged in many of the other mind-altering activities I frequently undertake—among many others, these include drinking coffee, eating cake, and watching Sunday morning television.  These did not help either.

It turned out finally that the motherboard was not sending enough power to the memory chips.  Maybe that sounds like an easy thing to discover to you, but it took me a whole fucking week.  While I readily admit that I am stoopider than you are, that does not mean that I have a week of my life to spare on shit like this without getting laid or, at least, a blowjob.  I am getting old too quickly to waste a week of my life.

Here is how old I am getting: the other day, I went to the supermarket to buy sugar.  Usually I do not buy sugar or anything else from the supermarket.  I had not been to a supermarket in about a year.  I go to bodegas to buy everything I really need, like toilet tissue.  But hell, in a pinch I will wipe my ass with ATM receipts. 

I go to Starbucks everyday to get coffee while I am at work, so why the fuck would I need sugar?  Yes, I do make coffee every morning, but I steal Splenda from Starbucks for my morning coffee.  Now, holed up in my fucking study putting together my goddamn computer, I could not go to Starbucks.  I had to make coffee so I could stay up all night and work on the computer.  So I ran out of stolen Splenda.  And Splenda is too goddamn expensive for me to buy when I can just steal it for free, so I had to go out and buy some sugar to get me through a week or more of putting a computer together.

Now I know I live in the middle of the glorious island of Manhattan in New York City where everything is expensive.  For instance, on Tuesday cigarettes went up to $9.00 a pack here.  I am convinced that New York City wants for me to smoke more weed.  I mean, think about it: many people who work at shitty mcjobs — like many jobs that I have had in the past, but that is a topic for a different entry — do not earn enough money during an hour of the precious time they have on this planet to buy a fucking pack of cigarettes!  That’s an hour of their life gone, and they do not even make enough to buy fucking cigarettes in New York City.

But, still, at my local supermarket, the fucking sugar was six bucks for a five-pound bag.  And that was only because it was on sale.  It was regularly $7.50.  $7.50!  That just pissed me off.

That is the first sign that I am getting old.  In my age-addled brain, I said to myself, “When I was a kid, you could buy twenty pounds of freshly ground sugar for a dime and there was a toy inside every bag!”  See, when you think that the price of any food item is so fucking outrageous that it makes you angry, you are getting too fucking old.

The second sign that I am getting old: I was so pissed about the price that, for a moment, I actually considered complaining about the price of the fucking sugar.  You are old when you will complain to someone about the price of food.

So I just bought the sugar without complaining.  But from now on I am going to steal Splenda and sugar from Starbucks. 

I wish I could have just stolen my computer.

Once I figured that shit out about the power to the memory, Windows Vista 64 installed just fine and the system is fucking screaming!  Screaming!  It is much faster than any prebuilt name-brand system I could have stolen.

That’s really all I have to say about my new computer. 

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More Assholes, Please

I read a wonderful news story the other day about a woman who went into a hospital in Germany for leg surgery and was unwittingly given a new anus.  That would be her second asshole.  The woman plans to sue the hospital.  Now, this mistake has been widely covered in the news and on the internet, but as far as I have been able to discern, nobody feels the way I do about this.

This woman now has two assholes!  Why the fuck is she suing the hospital?  Because she is now worth a goddamn fortune to the porn industry?  Because she is a surgically enhanced wonder woman?

As I understand it, only one of her assholes is used for shitting.  The other one is free for fucking all the time.  And, hell, both of her assholes can be used for fucking!  While admittedly it would be a challenge to choreograph, she can do quadruple penetration!  She is a walking goldmine!  I’m sure she has gotten many offers already, from the porn industry as well as imaginative individuals.

What I propose for all of you is that we work together to try to make this whole getting-an-extra-asshole thing more popular.  You know, only a few decades ago, no women shaved their cunts.  Few women in the western world got tattoos.  Even fewer had their eyebrows or their tongues or their nipples pierced.  Today, you can’t go fishing without snagging your line in the clit ring of somebody standing behind you.

And assholes really are the next big thing in terms of body augmentation.  Anal bleaching is all the rage in asshole technology.  Who wants your asshole to look all brown and crinkly?  You want your asshole to look pink and youthful and invitingly fuckable.

If a woman wants for her one asshole to look pink and beautiful, why wouldn’t she want two pink and beautiful assholes?  One would be brand new!  And two are always better than one.  It’s also practical.  After all, only one of those assholes would be used for shitting.  The other asshole would always be ready for lubing up and fucking.  This would eliminate that whole shit-on-your-dick problem that sometimes accompanies anal sex.  It also might convince normal women (with two assholes, I mean) that ass-to-mouth is a bit more palatable.

Porn stars should start this trend because they have the most to gain, and they really are the pioneers in sexual body modification.  I mean, porn stars were the first to shave their cunts.  If you watch old porn from, say, the seventies, all the women have hairy bushes.  But, by the eighties, porn stars were shaving and sculpting their pubes, setting the stage for a revolution in female pubic hair.  And let’s face it: bald cunts are just better than hairy ones.  Thank god for porn!

Porn stars should pave the way here, too.  In fact, porn stars have every reason to take this trend to a whole new level.  After all, one asshole is fine but two assholes are way better and more profitable.  It only stands to reason that three fuckable assholes are even better still.  And I don’t see any reason that these new assholes need to be placed in the region where nature places assholes, especially if they are just for fucking.  Why not put fuck-ready assholes on other parts of the body?

For my money, the place that would be most sexually arousing for a brand new asshole would be the back of the head.  Yes, this would require drilling through the skull to make a fleshy area for the new asshole.  But, after the drilling is done, I don’t even think you would need to remove any brain matter or anything.  I’m no doctor, but if you look at the brain, it looks like it’s split just perfectly for fucking and it also looks all wet and inviting.  In fact, it looks a whole lot like an ass!  Of course, even if the brain can accommodate normal cocks easily, in porn the dudes have massive cocks.  So it’s possible that when your brain is getting fucked by one of those colossal pricks, you might feel some sinus pressure and maybe your eyes would bulge a little, but I bet there would be no permanent damage and it would be so fucking intensely hot!  Seriously, imagine a hot porn star giving head to one dude while another does the back of her skull.  I would pay damn good money to see that!  Real skull fucking!

Of course, porn stars could also get new assholes in other parts of their bodies as well.  In the porn business, I figure each asshole is value added.  So, replacing your belly button with an asshole might be a good idea, for instance.  But it also seems that there would be a point of diminishing return.

It works just like other body augmentation.  I mean, you’ve undoubtedly seen women in titty mags with freakish, mammoth, cow-sized fake tits that hang like swollen condoms from their chests.  And you’ve seen at least one chick outside of a nightclub with twelve piercings in each ear and a bar through her nose surrounded by loops through her nostrils, and with six or seven loops lined up on her eyebrows, and maybe a lip piercing or two as well.  After you get a certain number of piercings, it starts to look like they actually serve a purpose: like if you took all that metal off your face, your face would just fall right off and flap around in the wind like that plastic bag in American Beauty.  Do you see the problem of diminishing returns?

The same is true of extra assholes.  One or two extra assholes is great, but ten is just bizarre.  That’s too many assholes.  For your reference, I have made a handy chart.

Keep in mind that location is everything.  Like I said, an asshole on the back of the head would be a beautiful thing.  But if, for instance, you drill your kneecap open and put an asshole on your knee, that isn’t much good for anything unless you have one of those dogs that likes to hump.  Location, location, location.

So, if you’re a porn star and would like to talk to me about this or anything else in the world, email me.  Or just go get those extra assholes.  It’s like money in the bank.  If you’re not a porn star, why not consider getting an extra asshole or two for your husband’s or boyfriend’s birthday?  Trust me, he’ll love it and so will you.

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