We’re Onto You, Teabaggers!

Hey, you fucking teabaggers. Yeah, I’m talking to you.

It’s time we had a shouting match. It’s time someone addressed you in exactly the same way you address everyone else. I’m here to scream “fuck you!”

FUCK. YOU. TEABAGGERS!

Here’s a newsflash for you teabaggers. The government doesn’t like you, either. Yeah, that’s right. The government doesn’t like you. And it doesn’t trust you, either, you sheepish Rethuglicans with your visions of a fascist theocratic state. Another newsflash: the government has never liked or trusted you. In fact, we all despise you. We laugh at you. Listen to this: ha ha ha.

Wait, there’s more.

I recently attended a tea party rally just to see the stoopid for myself. Here is what I learned.

And here, as far as I can tell, is where you asshole teabaggers stand on all the issues.

One day, on or about January 20, 2009, a bunch of imbeciles suddenly got very loud. Liberals woke up that day to find that the United States’ greatest enemy was not Osama bin Laden. It was you radical Christian jihadist-communist-fascist-socialist fucking teabaggers. Where the fuck were you born, anyway? Are you even American? Prove it, you fuckers. I want to see your birth certificates. And don’t give me any bullshit copies of your birth certificate. I have a laser printer, too. I want an original signed in ink by the doctor who delivered you. And he better still be alive because I intend to verify it. Otherwise, we will send you back to whatever backwoods, whitey hole-in-the-fucking-ground country you crawled out of.

You teabaggers think we’re not onto you. You have illegally entered this country and we can prove it. Where were you before 2009, huh? Where were you when we gave $1.6 trillion in tax cuts to the wealthiest people in the country by borrowing that money from China? Where were you when a trillion dollars was redirected to insurance companies for Medicare Advantage or when pharmaceutical companies were given a multi-trillion dollar subsidy through a brand new non-competitive Medicare prescription drug entitlement? Where were you when the deficit first hit a trillion dollars? Where were you when the national debt hit thirteen trillion dollars? Where were you when we found out that Walter Reed hospital was denying care to the veterans? Oh, you weren’t screaming in the streets then, now were you? Fuck no, because you weren’t even in this country! You were in France or England or Canada or Sweden or Germany or some other teabagging fucking pasty bastion of profligate indecency and boondocks stoopidity with some other dude’s sweaty, sperm-filled balls in your filthy goddamn mouths.

That’s why you call yourselves teabaggers, you foreign fucks! That’s why you gave yourself that obscene name! Even National Review, a conservative news magazine that calls the word “teabagger” the new N-word, admits it: “conservatives started it: started with this terminology.” You named yourself that. Your website, reteaparty.com, told its readers to “Tea Bag the Fools in D.C.” Reporter Griff Jenkins repeated the term on Fox News. And you have buttons, mugs, and t-shirts with the slogan “Proud Teabagger” on them. You even have boxers with “I Teabagged a Liberal: Tea Party 2009” on them! Oh no you did not, you fucking liars. No self-respecting liberal — straight or gay — would degrade himself by sticking his balls in your disgusting face-holes. That’s why you need Rent Boys, isn’t it? Hey, I like getting teabagged as much as the next dude, but not by your ilk. What a bunch of fucking degenerates you are! What happened to the decent, God-fearing people who used to have a voice in this nation? When was it overrun with perverts like you?

You illegally installed George W. Bush as president eight years ago even after he lost the popular vote. And what do we have to show for it? Cap-and-trade policies, bank and auto industry bailouts, and the world-shattering idea of stimulating the economy during a recession! You invented taxes to enslave liberals — who are statistically smarter and richer than you are — so that they would have to pay for your hordes of crotch monkeys because you people can’t stop fucking and having babies!

You’re against abortion and you pretend it’s because some dirty, stinking bronze-age tribesmen who lived in mortal fear of pigs wrote something about sperm in a confused book about giants and unicorns and four-footed birds and talking donkeys. Even you’re not that fucking stoopid! No, you just need to increase your numbers constantly because you need to make up in quantity for your defective IQs and depressed incomes when compared to normal, hardworking Americans, you dumbass redneck porch bunnies.

But we’re onto you. That’s why, whenever you have a president in office, we act like we don’t want you to lower taxes for the rich. That’s called “reverse psychology,” you fucking morons. And every single time, you fall for it! Every single motherfucking time, you lower taxes for the rich, meaning we liberals get to keep more of our money and you have to breed even more brainless fuck trophies to pay, decades down the road, for the Almas caviar I eat off the hood of my Lamborghini Reventon. I can’t wait to play that game all over again, you dumb fucks. All those years, your median income dropped and dropped while liberals’ income fucking skyrocketed. I say again: ha ha ha.

Hey, under Bush, the richest one percent of people in the country captured two-thirds of all the income growth while the rest of the country saw a net drop in income. That’s the tax policy you are, right now, screaming to bring back, you ignorant asshat teabaggers. That’s redistribution of wealth. Obama lowered taxes for as much as 99% of the country after he took office to try to rectify this situation, but you motherfucking scumbag socialist teabaggers just can’t live without your precious redistribution of wealth. What a bunch of scheming, un-American, dickwits you are!

And you need to stop living in the goddamn past. You’re screaming about bailouts now. Who is bailing out anyone today? Listen, in 2008 and 2009, the US government gave away billions of dollars in bailouts. That money went to failing financial institutions, the auto industry, and – fuck – everybody but you. Hell, I opened my own bank so I could get some of that money. Why didn’t you, you fucking slacker? Well, anyways, way back in September of 2008, before Obama took office, Glenn Back was just screaming for bailouts. He said on CNN Headline News, “the bailout is the right thing do.” In fact, his only problem with the bailout is that he wanted more. “The ‘REAL STORY’ is the $700 billion that you`re hearing about now is not only, I believe, necessary, it is also not nearly enough.” You can watch him say it live by clicking here since you obviously can’t fucking read. Sarah Palin was also all for the bailouts and also didn’t think the government was giving enough money away. Now you lying, foreign, asswipes want to act like it was someone else’s idea to give away trillions! We listened to you! That’s the last time anyone with an ounce of intelligence will listen to your imbecilic douchebaggery!

Now you ignorant fucktard teabaggers want to hold this nation hostage with your demands for all sorts of other stoopid shit. Well, fuck you! Fool us once, shame on us! We’re not biting. If you don’t like it, why don’t you go back to wherever the fuck you came from? I’ll hold the fucking door open for you.

You want more money in your pockets? What, you’re not making enough? Oh, boo fucking hoo. Hey, I have an idea: why don’t you stop having obese babies for a minute and get off your fat, lazy, hypocritical asses and actually earn more money? Huh? You say yourself that this is the land of opportunity. In a recent poll, you teabaggers said that “too much has been made of the problems facing black people.” In another recent poll, you teabaggers overwhelmingly said that “Blacks would be as well off as Whites if they just tried harder.” Fine. You want more money? Go get it. Go make more money. Try harder. Oh, I see. You don’t want to try harder. You think that only other people should try harder. Yeah, you obviously believe that you could get off your lazy, uneducated asses and earn more money if you only tried harder, but you prefer to whine like goddamn babies and parade around like assclowns holding misspelled signs rather than go out and fucking work. Oh, the government is responsible for fixing all of your problems? The government is your sugar daddy? Have you ever heard of good ol’ American self-reliance, you slothful fucking couch grazers? Hey, rich liberals aren’t complaining about taxes. We like roads and public colleges and funding for the arts and sciences. Liberals, homosexuals, atheists, we own the fucking colleges, arts, and sciences. What do you own? Liberals love paying taxes and we have more than enough money. Now why don’t you get off your fat, lazy asses, stop your fucking whining, and actually get the money you want so badly the way you tell others to get it? Try. Harder.

The funny thing is, in one of those polls, you teabaggers turned out to be above the Rethuglican median when it came to income and education. That shows just how low the Rethuglican waterline is, now doesn’t it? Liberals still make shitloads more than you do and get to keep more and more of it thanks to your stoopidity. Want some? Try. Harder.

Hey, the next time you have a rally in Arizona, I’m going to report every single imbecile that bothers to show up to the police. Thank you for the anti-immigrant law. Now show us your papers, you douchewads! You can’t, can you? Because you’re not American. Go back wherever the fuck you came from if you want to whine about paying for Medicare and Social Security and national defense and the FBI and interest on the national debt that you fuckers created and the trillion dollar unappropriated war that you assholes started. I didn’t create the national debt or start that war. And I can’t help it if you assholes kept giving me back more and more of my money.

So, here is my advice to you teabaggers. First, feel free to leave. We true Americans can do just fine without you. Second, if you don’t leave, try harder and maybe you won’t have so much to whine about.

That’s all I have to say to you asshole teabaggers. Except this. Fuck you. Try harder. And ha ha ha.

Oh, and all you fuckers except the teabaggers had better visit WorshipEngine. The end is near. Cram for the final.

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My Brand New Computer

So, I spent a week building a computer from parts.  My old computer just stopped working right so I bought, first, a screaming new graphics card and, second, a more powerful power supply to fuel the screaming graphics card.  That didn’t help, so I said, “Fuck it.  I’ll buy a motherboard, a microprocessor, some RAM, and assorted other expensive shit to make a brand new computer.”  I was drunk when I said that.

And then I spent a whole week putting it together.  A.  Whole.  Week!  I did not go out to eat for that week.  I did not go to any clubs or get laid for that week.  I did watch some TV, but mostly out of frustration.  Every day after work I would come home to the $2,000+ brick sitting on my desk in pieces.  Then I would spend all night trying to get the fucking computer running by applying the new shit I had learned from the internet at my job while I had been pretending to work and to be a Good Noodle.  Yes, I drank during this time, but it was not pleasant drinking.  It was why-the-fuck-isn’t-this-piece-of-shit-working? drinking.  And I also engaged in many of the other mind-altering activities I frequently undertake—among many others, these include drinking coffee, eating cake, and watching Sunday morning television.  These did not help either.

It turned out finally that the motherboard was not sending enough power to the memory chips.  Maybe that sounds like an easy thing to discover to you, but it took me a whole fucking week.  While I readily admit that I am stoopider than you are, that does not mean that I have a week of my life to spare on shit like this without getting laid or, at least, a blowjob.  I am getting old too quickly to waste a week of my life.

Here is how old I am getting: the other day, I went to the supermarket to buy sugar.  Usually I do not buy sugar or anything else from the supermarket.  I had not been to a supermarket in about a year.  I go to bodegas to buy everything I really need, like toilet tissue.  But hell, in a pinch I will wipe my ass with ATM receipts. 

I go to Starbucks everyday to get coffee while I am at work, so why the fuck would I need sugar?  Yes, I do make coffee every morning, but I steal Splenda from Starbucks for my morning coffee.  Now, holed up in my fucking study putting together my goddamn computer, I could not go to Starbucks.  I had to make coffee so I could stay up all night and work on the computer.  So I ran out of stolen Splenda.  And Splenda is too goddamn expensive for me to buy when I can just steal it for free, so I had to go out and buy some sugar to get me through a week or more of putting a computer together.

Now I know I live in the middle of the glorious island of Manhattan in New York City where everything is expensive.  For instance, on Tuesday cigarettes went up to $9.00 a pack here.  I am convinced that New York City wants for me to smoke more weed.  I mean, think about it: many people who work at shitty mcjobs — like many jobs that I have had in the past, but that is a topic for a different entry — do not earn enough money during an hour of the precious time they have on this planet to buy a fucking pack of cigarettes!  That’s an hour of their life gone, and they do not even make enough to buy fucking cigarettes in New York City.

But, still, at my local supermarket, the fucking sugar was six bucks for a five-pound bag.  And that was only because it was on sale.  It was regularly $7.50.  $7.50!  That just pissed me off.

That is the first sign that I am getting old.  In my age-addled brain, I said to myself, “When I was a kid, you could buy twenty pounds of freshly ground sugar for a dime and there was a toy inside every bag!”  See, when you think that the price of any food item is so fucking outrageous that it makes you angry, you are getting too fucking old.

The second sign that I am getting old: I was so pissed about the price that, for a moment, I actually considered complaining about the price of the fucking sugar.  You are old when you will complain to someone about the price of food.

So I just bought the sugar without complaining.  But from now on I am going to steal Splenda and sugar from Starbucks. 

I wish I could have just stolen my computer.

Once I figured that shit out about the power to the memory, Windows Vista 64 installed just fine and the system is fucking screaming!  Screaming!  It is much faster than any prebuilt name-brand system I could have stolen.

That’s really all I have to say about my new computer. 

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More Assholes, Please

I read a wonderful news story the other day about a woman who went into a hospital in Germany for leg surgery and was unwittingly given a new anus.  That would be her second asshole.  The woman plans to sue the hospital.  Now, this mistake has been widely covered in the news and on the internet, but as far as I have been able to discern, nobody feels the way I do about this.

This woman now has two assholes!  Why the fuck is she suing the hospital?  Because she is now worth a goddamn fortune to the porn industry?  Because she is a surgically enhanced wonder woman?

As I understand it, only one of her assholes is used for shitting.  The other one is free for fucking all the time.  And, hell, both of her assholes can be used for fucking!  While admittedly it would be a challenge to choreograph, she can do quadruple penetration!  She is a walking goldmine!  I’m sure she has gotten many offers already, from the porn industry as well as imaginative individuals.

What I propose for all of you is that we work together to try to make this whole getting-an-extra-asshole thing more popular.  You know, only a few decades ago, no women shaved their cunts.  Few women in the western world got tattoos.  Even fewer had their eyebrows or their tongues or their nipples pierced.  Today, you can’t go fishing without snagging your line in the clit ring of somebody standing behind you.

And assholes really are the next big thing in terms of body augmentation.  Anal bleaching is all the rage in asshole technology.  Who wants your asshole to look all brown and crinkly?  You want your asshole to look pink and youthful and invitingly fuckable.

If a woman wants for her one asshole to look pink and beautiful, why wouldn’t she want two pink and beautiful assholes?  One would be brand new!  And two are always better than one.  It’s also practical.  After all, only one of those assholes would be used for shitting.  The other asshole would always be ready for lubing up and fucking.  This would eliminate that whole shit-on-your-dick problem that sometimes accompanies anal sex.  It also might convince normal women (with two assholes, I mean) that ass-to-mouth is a bit more palatable.

Porn stars should start this trend because they have the most to gain, and they really are the pioneers in sexual body modification.  I mean, porn stars were the first to shave their cunts.  If you watch old porn from, say, the seventies, all the women have hairy bushes.  But, by the eighties, porn stars were shaving and sculpting their pubes, setting the stage for a revolution in female pubic hair.  And let’s face it: bald cunts are just better than hairy ones.  Thank god for porn!

Porn stars should pave the way here, too.  In fact, porn stars have every reason to take this trend to a whole new level.  After all, one asshole is fine but two assholes are way better and more profitable.  It only stands to reason that three fuckable assholes are even better still.  And I don’t see any reason that these new assholes need to be placed in the region where nature places assholes, especially if they are just for fucking.  Why not put fuck-ready assholes on other parts of the body?

For my money, the place that would be most sexually arousing for a brand new asshole would be the back of the head.  Yes, this would require drilling through the skull to make a fleshy area for the new asshole.  But, after the drilling is done, I don’t even think you would need to remove any brain matter or anything.  I’m no doctor, but if you look at the brain, it looks like it’s split just perfectly for fucking and it also looks all wet and inviting.  In fact, it looks a whole lot like an ass!  Of course, even if the brain can accommodate normal cocks easily, in porn the dudes have massive cocks.  So it’s possible that when your brain is getting fucked by one of those colossal pricks, you might feel some sinus pressure and maybe your eyes would bulge a little, but I bet there would be no permanent damage and it would be so fucking intensely hot!  Seriously, imagine a hot porn star giving head to one dude while another does the back of her skull.  I would pay damn good money to see that!  Real skull fucking!

Of course, porn stars could also get new assholes in other parts of their bodies as well.  In the porn business, I figure each asshole is value added.  So, replacing your belly button with an asshole might be a good idea, for instance.  But it also seems that there would be a point of diminishing return.

It works just like other body augmentation.  I mean, you’ve undoubtedly seen women in titty mags with freakish, mammoth, cow-sized fake tits that hang like swollen condoms from their chests.  And you’ve seen at least one chick outside of a nightclub with twelve piercings in each ear and a bar through her nose surrounded by loops through her nostrils, and with six or seven loops lined up on her eyebrows, and maybe a lip piercing or two as well.  After you get a certain number of piercings, it starts to look like they actually serve a purpose: like if you took all that metal off your face, your face would just fall right off and flap around in the wind like that plastic bag in American Beauty.  Do you see the problem of diminishing returns?

The same is true of extra assholes.  One or two extra assholes is great, but ten is just bizarre.  That’s too many assholes.  For your reference, I have made a handy chart.

Keep in mind that location is everything.  Like I said, an asshole on the back of the head would be a beautiful thing.  But if, for instance, you drill your kneecap open and put an asshole on your knee, that isn’t much good for anything unless you have one of those dogs that likes to hump.  Location, location, location.

So, if you’re a porn star and would like to talk to me about this or anything else in the world, email me.  Or just go get those extra assholes.  It’s like money in the bank.  If you’re not a porn star, why not consider getting an extra asshole or two for your husband’s or boyfriend’s birthday?  Trust me, he’ll love it and so will you.

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