Wings

So, yeah, I was gone for a long time. Did you miss me? Sorry about that.

I was busy getting into trouble. Did you ever do something and, even as you begin, you think that nothing good can come of it? Kind of sort of a little like this.

Anyways, I am fine. I haven’t yet gotten to read my email (or do anything else) so forgive me for not answering you. I know that my prolonged absence demands some kind of an explanation. Here is the very best I can muster.

That should answer all your questions. Now you know why stoogepie has no wings.

And, yeah, I got rid of a column so I could make the comics bigger.

Barring any calamities, I will have a lot more to say before the end of this month. But that’s all I have to say about wings.

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Vadgets™ and Bumballs™

Yeah, I haven’t been posting enough.  Well, I’ve gotten really busy with a project that has nothing at all to do with this blog.  And, aside from that, it’s the summer.  You may be so old that summer doesn’t mean you spend a lot more time outdoors, but I’m not.

So, my big project ends at the end of August, then I go away for a week.  And summer will be all over then.  Normal posting schedules will resume.

Anyways, I have an awesome new invention to share with you.

What better way to propose than to stick a ring up your ass and let her dig it out, huh?  How could she say no?

That’s all I have to say about Vadgets™ and Bumballs™ except that, until Vadgets™ and Bumballs™ are widely available, feel free to stick things up your ass the old fashioned way.

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Dickmail

I don’t get that much email.  But my dick does.  My dick gets a ton of email every day.

I get a few personal emails every day.  Some are from women I know.  None of the women I know ever write emails to my dick.  I wish that they would, but they do not. 

Nonetheless, my dick gets lots and lots of emails everyday from complete strangers.  It seems that bunches of people I do not know are really worried about my dick and its wellbeing.

I — not my dick — get email from strangers about penny stocks and weight loss.  But almost all the other email I get is dickmail.  It is for my dick.

Not only that, but I looked into the whole penny stock thing.  I wasn’t really interested in buying any penny stocks, but I wanted to know what was up with them.  It turns out it is a scam called “pump and dump” and it really, actually, truly works to make money for the people who send those emails to strangers.  You can read about it in these two dull articles if you are into boredom: “Spam Works” and “The Effect of Stock Spam on Financial Markets.”

Now, I was quite familiar with and terribly fond of the phrase “Pump and Dump” long before I skimmed but did not read these articles, but the phrase “Pump and Dump” had absolutely nothing to do with stocks.  Other phrases that mean the same thing to me as “Pump and Dump”: “Hit and Run” and “Fuck and Chuck.”  So it seems to me that even the penny stock emails are dickmail.

The emails I get from strangers selling porn are obviously also dickmail. 

Then there are the “tired girl emails”:

Hello!  I am tired this evening.  I am nice girl that would like to chat with you.  Email me at ILoveYourCock@IAmDesperate.info only, because I am using my friend’s email to write this.  To see my pics

I think the reason that Tired Girl does not finish that last sentence is because she falls asleep at the keyboard. 

Still, this is dickmail.  It is just not a very good dickmail.  Tired Girl, if you are so tired, why would you like to chat with me tonight?  Maybe you should get some rest instead.  Also, Tired Girl, if you want to chat, why not send me your IM screen name instead of your email address?  Why aren’t you using your own email to send this anyway?  Is this “friend” of yours male or female?  Would she like in on the action?  I am a lot more interested if your friend is interested, too.  Even if I am tired, too, your friend makes what you’re offering a lot more appealing to my dick, especially if your friend is not as fucking tired as you are. 

But the real reason this is a shitty dickmail that only a complete and utterly hard-up goddamn moron would respond to is this: if you are such a nice girl, why the fuck would I want to chat with you or to see your goddamn pics in the first place?  You are just wasting my time.

Of course, I also get a lot of emails advertising Rolex replicas.  But, let’s face it: that is dickmail, too.  If you tell me that a Rolex watch is a superior, meticulously crafted timepiece easily worth at least $5,000, then fuck you.  If that’s how you honestly feel about it, you are a fucking retard.  But fine.  It’s your five grand.  But if you spend $149 on a Rolex rip-off, you can’t tell me that you are interested in the handcrafted mechanism or the attention to detail or anything besides the counterfeit brand name.  You are buying a fucking $149 watch made in an Asian sweatshop by a twelve-year-old.  You can only be buying it to impress other people.  Buying a fake Rolex is all about getting your game on.  Your dick does the buying.

And all of this dickmail is just the beginning.  Pretty much, almost all the rest of the email I get might as well be sent directly to my dick.  A lot of my dickmail wants to make my dick bigger.  A lot of it wants to make my dick harder.  And some of it wants to make me cum in pints instead of ounces.

And, you know, I want all of that!  I want a porn-dude-sized dick.  Hell, I want a dick so big that I can buy my dick its own fucking fake Rolex to wear.  I figure that if a fake Rolex for my wrist will get me more pussy, a second fake Rolex worn on my enormous cock will not only get women to let me assfuck them during our very first fuckfest, but afterward they will gratefully eat the corn that my massive rod plunges out their small intestines.  Now, that’s status!

Yes, it makes sense that — beyond a certain threshold — women do not really care about how big your dick is.  It makes sense because of natural selection: if women preferred big, giant dicks, then dicks would be getting bigger and bigger because women would choose mates with bigger dicks.  Whatever.  Here is my opinion: if there is such a thing as too small, then size must matter.  Right?  And there is such a thing as too small, right?  Come on.  Don’t act like you don’t know.  Okay then, since we have established that size matters, then bigger must be better, right?

You’re shaking your head only because you have a small dick.  My logic is flawless and you know it.

Women act like size doesn’t matter, but we all know that if we had bigger dicks, we would get rock star parking outside of nightclubs, we would actually get laid in the champagne room, and women we know would ask us to bang their supermodel friends.  If I had a twelve-inch cock, whipping my dick out before sex would feel like turning over four aces at a poker game every single goddamn time!  I would get a fucking boner just thinking about my boner.

My cock also gets a lot of dickmail about Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra.  Now, if I had a footlong prick, taking a time-out between fucks might become a hassle, what with all the porn stars and supermodels patiently waiting their turn to earn their particular dent in my headboard.  I mean, what’s the use of having all that meat if you can’t use it whenever you want to?  Enter Erectile Dysfunction meds!  All the ED meds warn that, if you have an erection that lasts for more than four hours, there is a danger of permanent damage.  You know what I say to that?  Too fucking bad for her!  After four hours of fucking, she is just taking her goddamn chances.  Hell, she should consider the risk she is taking from being pounded by my massive cock long before four hours passes.

My cock doesn’t get quite as much dickmail about sperm volume as it once did.  This particular form of dickmail has, in fact, slowed down to a trickle.  I don’t know why.  And I have to admit that I did not understand these dickmails at first.  I mean, maybe in porno they call the cumshot the “money shot,” but sperm is not money.  There is no semen tax.  More is not necessarily better. 

But here is a dickmail I got for WonderCum.

Hi, Dear!

em…..

I gotta tell you something. Some years ago I used to watch porno often.  I always admired those guys cumming.

They splashed out so much sperm on their girls, it looked so cool, so manlike.  Now I have a girlfriend.. but quantity of my sperm was so scanty, that I felt ill at ease.

I was advised to eat green apples but even this didn’t help.  A month ago I was hanging around at the bar with my best friend.

And he said that I should try WONDERCUM. Well, - I thought, - sounds interesting.

Next day I came to know that it was really a highly effective all-natural dietary supplement, which not only increases the sperm volume but also improves the sperm quality and the mobility of spermatozoa.

Having ordered and tried I was shocked how cool it was.

I’d even say, it changed my life. I’m happy. I even became a better lover, knowing how it all would end.

By the way, read about WONDERCUM at this site:

Now, you know by now that I think porn is pretty sweet.  But I do not understand this dude’s dickmail.  So, he’s saying that splashing out so much sperm in porno looks “cool” and “manlike?”  Well, I hope it looks manlike.  I think the only alternatives are “womanlike” and “childlike,” and neither of those works for me no matter how little sperm we’re talking about.  Then he says that he now has a girlfriend but his payload was so scanty that he felt ill at ease.  So, dude, you have a girlfriend?  She lets you splash your cream all over her?  But it doesn’t feel right because you’re not hosing her down porno-style?  Have you talked to your girlfriend about this?  Because I have a pretty good feeling that she could have put you at ease.  “Sweetheart, I’m feeling ill at ease because I don’t think I’m drenching you with enough sperm.  Does my paltry semen volume make me appear childlike or womanlike to you?  Or even worse, uncool?”  You never know, but I am pretty sure that she might have cleared that up right away.  But wait.  There’s more.

So, then this dude says he was “advised to eat green apples but even this didn’t help.”  Dude, who the fuck told you to eat green apples?  Are you sure that some good friend of yours was not trying to tell you that your sperm tasted bad?  If so, what the fuck is up with you and your friends? 

Okay, so, this dude is hanging at a bar with his bestest friend and the subject obviously turns to whether or not each of these dudes is properly drowning their respective significant others in massive quantities of baby batter every night.  This is at least the second person the author of our dickmail has brought this subject up to, because some other person told him to eat green apples.  This dude, who hasn’t watched porn in years, can’t stop talking to people about how fucking childlike or womanlike he feels when he splashes his girlfriend with his splooge.  But he can’t talk to her about it.

So, after his very best friend tells him about WonderCum, he learns that it (1) increases jizz volume, (2) improves goo quality, and (3) improves the mobility of his spunk puppies.  So, not only can WonderCum make you shoot cups instead of spoonfuls, it also improves sperm quality.  No more regular sperm for this dude’s girlfriend.  Now she gets drenched in premium or maybe even super.  On top of that, his sperm mobility has improved, so those tadpoles are probably just flopping all around his girlfriend.  This is one lucky woman.  What some dudes won’t do to please their girlfriends. 

For some reason, this dickmail did not sound quite right to me when I read it.  I mean, this dude has solved his problem and is obviously really serious about his girlfriend.  And he still can’t stop telling complete strangers about his sperm.

So I was not convinced about this whole semen-volume thing.  I mean, I have been with more than a few women, and not one of them has ever said anything to me along the lines of, “Make it a venti!” 

But, you know, I have given this a lot more thought and it kind of makes sense.  I mean, you hold your sperm in your balls, right?  Your balls are your gravy boat, your spunk trunk.  So consider this. 

Think of your dick as a meatball submarine sandwich.  Just like at Subway Sandwiches, you can have a six-inch or a footlong, where “footlong” means twelve inches more or less but who’s counting when it’s that big?  Now, let’s say you go in, you order a six-inch sub, and the sandwich dude makes it.  So that’s the sandwich you start with.  But then you decide you want to make it a footlong.  Imagine if the dude just took half the meatballs from the six-inch and put them in the other six-inch piece of bread.  You would scream hell fucking no!  You want twice as many meatballs!

See, when you use these pills or whatever to transform your average dick into a mammoth, footlong dick, do you want the chick who sees it to say, “Well, damn that is a huge dick!  But your balls look like they belong to an average six-inch cock, not to a monster cock.”  Hell fucking no!  I think the point behind all those dickmails about making a whole lot more sperm is simply this: “Hey, dude, if you are going to have a footlong hero, you need twice the meatballs and that means twice the sauce!”  It just makes sense. 

When you supersize your order at McDonalds, you get a bigger cup so you can fit more milkshake into there.  It’s the opposite with your balls.  To get bigger balls, you need to make more milkshake.  A lot more milkshake.  So, these sperm volumizers like WonderCum are really just ball super-sizers.  And you need super-size balls for your super-size meat puppet to juggle.

It seems that this whole thing only makes sense if you buy the whole package: dick enlargement, dick performance enhancers, and ball super-sizers.  My dick wants it all. 

But, you know, this makes me wonder whether dudes have some massive self-image problem.  I mean, you hear all the time about women with anorexia and bulimia, and when you hear about cosmetic surgery it is almost always women who are the recipients.  Dove even has a self-esteem fund for girls!  But then, how come more than half of all text-based spam is targeted not only at dudes, but specifically at their dicks?

Let’s face it: the only reason spammers keep spamming is because it works.  They actually manage to get us to buy the stuff they sell using dickmails to complete strangers.  Otherwise, no matter how cheap it is to send dickmail, it would not be worth the time and effort.  So, why are so many dudes so down on their dicks?

I really don’t have an answer here.  All I know is, maybe somebody should look into this.  I have known a lot of women, and most women — whether they are porn stars or prostitutes or moms or lawyers or teachers or talk-show hosts — are more than their pussies, their asses, their tits, and their hot little moist mouths.  But a lot of men — me included — are indeed very little more than their dicks.  Houston, we may have a problem.

Anyway, I am thinking of setting up a contact page on this site especially for my dick.  I hardly ever get any emails through the contact page, but everybody wants to email my dick.

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More Assholes, Please

I read a wonderful news story the other day about a woman who went into a hospital in Germany for leg surgery and was unwittingly given a new anus.  That would be her second asshole.  The woman plans to sue the hospital.  Now, this mistake has been widely covered in the news and on the internet, but as far as I have been able to discern, nobody feels the way I do about this.

This woman now has two assholes!  Why the fuck is she suing the hospital?  Because she is now worth a goddamn fortune to the porn industry?  Because she is a surgically enhanced wonder woman?

As I understand it, only one of her assholes is used for shitting.  The other one is free for fucking all the time.  And, hell, both of her assholes can be used for fucking!  While admittedly it would be a challenge to choreograph, she can do quadruple penetration!  She is a walking goldmine!  I’m sure she has gotten many offers already, from the porn industry as well as imaginative individuals.

What I propose for all of you is that we work together to try to make this whole getting-an-extra-asshole thing more popular.  You know, only a few decades ago, no women shaved their cunts.  Few women in the western world got tattoos.  Even fewer had their eyebrows or their tongues or their nipples pierced.  Today, you can’t go fishing without snagging your line in the clit ring of somebody standing behind you.

And assholes really are the next big thing in terms of body augmentation.  Anal bleaching is all the rage in asshole technology.  Who wants your asshole to look all brown and crinkly?  You want your asshole to look pink and youthful and invitingly fuckable.

If a woman wants for her one asshole to look pink and beautiful, why wouldn’t she want two pink and beautiful assholes?  One would be brand new!  And two are always better than one.  It’s also practical.  After all, only one of those assholes would be used for shitting.  The other asshole would always be ready for lubing up and fucking.  This would eliminate that whole shit-on-your-dick problem that sometimes accompanies anal sex.  It also might convince normal women (with two assholes, I mean) that ass-to-mouth is a bit more palatable.

Porn stars should start this trend because they have the most to gain, and they really are the pioneers in sexual body modification.  I mean, porn stars were the first to shave their cunts.  If you watch old porn from, say, the seventies, all the women have hairy bushes.  But, by the eighties, porn stars were shaving and sculpting their pubes, setting the stage for a revolution in female pubic hair.  And let’s face it: bald cunts are just better than hairy ones.  Thank god for porn!

Porn stars should pave the way here, too.  In fact, porn stars have every reason to take this trend to a whole new level.  After all, one asshole is fine but two assholes are way better and more profitable.  It only stands to reason that three fuckable assholes are even better still.  And I don’t see any reason that these new assholes need to be placed in the region where nature places assholes, especially if they are just for fucking.  Why not put fuck-ready assholes on other parts of the body?

For my money, the place that would be most sexually arousing for a brand new asshole would be the back of the head.  Yes, this would require drilling through the skull to make a fleshy area for the new asshole.  But, after the drilling is done, I don’t even think you would need to remove any brain matter or anything.  I’m no doctor, but if you look at the brain, it looks like it’s split just perfectly for fucking and it also looks all wet and inviting.  In fact, it looks a whole lot like an ass!  Of course, even if the brain can accommodate normal cocks easily, in porn the dudes have massive cocks.  So it’s possible that when your brain is getting fucked by one of those colossal pricks, you might feel some sinus pressure and maybe your eyes would bulge a little, but I bet there would be no permanent damage and it would be so fucking intensely hot!  Seriously, imagine a hot porn star giving head to one dude while another does the back of her skull.  I would pay damn good money to see that!  Real skull fucking!

Of course, porn stars could also get new assholes in other parts of their bodies as well.  In the porn business, I figure each asshole is value added.  So, replacing your belly button with an asshole might be a good idea, for instance.  But it also seems that there would be a point of diminishing return.

It works just like other body augmentation.  I mean, you’ve undoubtedly seen women in titty mags with freakish, mammoth, cow-sized fake tits that hang like swollen condoms from their chests.  And you’ve seen at least one chick outside of a nightclub with twelve piercings in each ear and a bar through her nose surrounded by loops through her nostrils, and with six or seven loops lined up on her eyebrows, and maybe a lip piercing or two as well.  After you get a certain number of piercings, it starts to look like they actually serve a purpose: like if you took all that metal off your face, your face would just fall right off and flap around in the wind like that plastic bag in American Beauty.  Do you see the problem of diminishing returns?

The same is true of extra assholes.  One or two extra assholes is great, but ten is just bizarre.  That’s too many assholes.  For your reference, I have made a handy chart.

Keep in mind that location is everything.  Like I said, an asshole on the back of the head would be a beautiful thing.  But if, for instance, you drill your kneecap open and put an asshole on your knee, that isn’t much good for anything unless you have one of those dogs that likes to hump.  Location, location, location.

So, if you’re a porn star and would like to talk to me about this or anything else in the world, email me.  Or just go get those extra assholes.  It’s like money in the bank.  If you’re not a porn star, why not consider getting an extra asshole or two for your husband’s or boyfriend’s birthday?  Trust me, he’ll love it and so will you.

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