A Crissy and stoogepie Fairytale

I haven’t been around much lately so I haven’t been posting much. Crissy over at crissyspage.com was nice enough to offer to help out by working with me on a comic. We even got a subtle product placement deal worked out. See whether you can spot it.

You probably already figured it out but, yes, here is our sponsor.

Thank you Bag O’ Dicks!

And thank you, Crissy! Swing by Crissy’s and leave her a comment or squeeze her tits or something.

That’s it for me and fairytales for a while unless another sponsor forks over some cash.

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Great Stories of the Bible 1

The Sweepstakes Winner.

So, Soapbox, who won the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, never claimed her or his prize.  On the one hand, I kind of had a feeling this might happen.  On the other hand, I expected to find an email in my inbox right after the deadline because that’s how shit happens.

So, as I said in my last boring entry, now I will choose a second chance winner from the people who have voted for Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger for 2009.  I will choose that winner Tuesday afternoon.  So, this is your last fucking chance.  You must send me your username before the drawing because I have no intention of keeping this camera for another week.  If I don’t know who you are, I will choose another winner.  Period.  After I randomly draw the second-chance winner, I will randomly draw the winner of the camcorder from among the blogs that pimped the contest, so if your blog did not appear among the list in my last boring entry, let me know.  Note that the second-chance winner and the pimping winner have no relation to one another.  That is all.  You have until noon tomorrow to vote.  Do it now and send me your username.  Note that I do not need your password.

Great Stories of the Bible.

I am a big fan of the bible.

Those of you who have been following for a while may be as stoogepious at this point as I am.  If not, I want converts.

So, I have decided that, in order to bring you into the fold, I will illustrate an important bible story every now and then, complete with an explanation of the lessons it teaches us.  Today’s story is the entire 19th chapter of Judges.  It is a great story and teaches us some very valuable lessons.  I have been faithful to the original story.  The only change I have made is to get rid of the extras — a servant boy and two donkeys — but the rest of the story is in there without censorship or embellishment.

Enjoy.

That’s all I have to say about the bible for right now, but stay tuned for more Great Stories of the Bible in the future.

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The Evolution of Porn

So, you have until the fifteenth to vote for Crissy for Hottest Mommy Blogger and thereby automatically enter to win over $1,200 in sweet camera gear.  Get moving.  Do it!

Enough of these work-friendly political posts.  If you’re at work, go vote for Crissy and then do your fucking work.

So, I was watching porn and eating cake the other day when it occurred to me just how immorally advanced porn has become. First I watched a little of Dirt Pipe Milkshakes #2. But I felt like I was missing something. See, I hadn’t seen the original Dirt Pipe Milkshakes so I thought, hey, maybe I should watch that one first because maybe then I will get a better understanding of these characters’ motivations. Like, what exactly inspires them to get together and fuck? Why do the dudes always cum in the women’s asses? And what, exactly, inspires the women or a girlfriend to suck the cum out of that ass and drink it, thus inspiring the title?

So, second, I watched Fuck Slaves. Actually, I had seen some of this movie before, but I tend to watch porn in like fifteen-minute to half-hour intervals. In one scene in Fuck Slaves, a dude uses a turkey-baster type thing to inject milk into a chick’s ass sort of like a milk enema. Then she squirts it all out onto the tile floor and then licks it up. I’m serious. That’s one of the scenes.

Now, am I wrong, or does Fuck Slaves have a more authentic recipe for dirt pipe milkshakes than Dirt Pipe Milkshakes?

Anyways, it occurred to me that these movies were really high in the evolutionary depravity food chain. Like, you can’t get much nastier than these movies. Oh, you can throw in some bukkake and maybe even a couple of granny amputees and some piss for good measure, but you can’t really ever add all that much to drinking stuff you squirt out of your ass.

To a porn actress, having someone squirt milk up your ass and then drinking it must just be a career killer. I mean, how can you top that? Everything is downhill from then on. Imagine David Blaine suspended naked in the dead of winter upside down over a driving range for sixty days while Tiger Woods takes shots at him. Yeah, I would watch that and I would bring cake, but how could he ever outdo that stunt? He couldn’t.

And, you know, there has been an evolution in porn. Like, some time ago, fucking on film was risqué. Then there were the classics, Deep Throat and Devil in Miss Jones, that everyone thought broke all the barriers. Yeah, they were breakthrough films. But since then, we have ass-to-mouth and full swallowing and gangbangs and creampies and a whole lot more. For those of you who have never seen a bukkake film, let me explain the setup. These movies are really popular in Japan, hence the Japanese name. There have been a few American bukkake movies made, but they pretty much suck. Ha ha. I said they suck. No, I mean, they really do suck. The same way we haven’t been able to take a Japanese horror film like Ring or Ju-on and make a decent American version, American porn makers don’t seem to be up to the simple task of having forty dudes cum on a chick.

Anyways, bukkake works like this: a Japanese woman, often dressed in schoolgirl garb, is in a room with thirty to fifty dudes. They usually stand in one long row in front of her, beating off. They all wear their underwear throughout, which is a nice touch because looking at Japanese dudes’ asses is just not why you watch these films. But mainly it’s because it is illegal to show genitals in Japan. Yes, that’s right, all the cocks and balls and cunts are blurred out if they do show up on camera.

But anyway, all the dudes then cum on the woman or in her mouth. Now, covering the chick with splooge is the point of some of the lamer bukkake films. But in more progressive bukkake, all the cum is collected—she spits it into a bowl or something and it is scraped off her face with spoons—and then, at the end, it is all placed in an impressive laboratory-style beaker. The point of the beaker is, no doubt, so that you can see just how many milliliters of sperm has been collected. It usually looks like two or three cups. That is a lot of sperm. And then, she takes the beaker and drinks the whole lot of it. Yum! And, when she’s done, she holds up the empty beaker at the camera and smiles one of those Ovaltine smiles.

So, think about how far we have come in the 36 years since Deep Throat. And, watching the chick who squirted milk out of her ass and then lapped it up, I found myself wondering, what the fuck could be the next thing to come in porn? How can porn outdo itself?

I have some ideas.

But there is a point where it gets to be too much. You know? And then it’s just unwatchable. Because, believe it or not, eventually it seems like it could get a little gross. Like, I don’t even want to think about pookkake.

And then people will just get sick of porn. And then what?

Here is what. Pussies will come back in style. That’s right. Good old-fashioned pussy fucking will make a comeback. It will look something like this.

That’s all I have to say about the evolution of porn.

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Eat Me! No, Really….

I’ve been working on a long comic project that is not ready yet.  I hope to have it ready to post soon.  In the meantime, file this entry under shit you (hopefully) did not know about the internet. 

There is a lot of pretty crazy shit on the internet.  I often think that the internet brings out the worst in people.  Or, at least, it gives some pretty fucked up people an easy way to find similarly fucked up people.

As an example, you have probably heard of Hot or Not, where people post their pictures and get rated on their hotness by anonymous nobodies.  Well, have you ever taken a shit that was just magnificent?  Now there is Rate My Poo!  When you take a dump that is really special, all you need to do is take a picture and upload it to Rate My Poo so that anonymous nobodies can give your crap a score.  As of tonight, Rate My Poo has 18,316 pictures of shit on it.

And I have talked about dating sites like the one for the mentally ill who want to date other mentally ill people before, but there are also dating sites for the morbidly obese who want to get even more fat and for gay thugs.  (On Gay Thug Dating, check out this thug if you dare.) 

What I have not been able to find is a dating site devoted to cannibals.  See, cannibalism is pretty big on the internet.  Yes, I said cannibalism.

A while ago I happened upon this website for dudes who have fantasies about eating women after they cook them.  It is called Muki’s Kitchen, and it features picture after picture of women with apples in their mouths being impaled, roasted, microwaved, and fried alive.

I agree that women are pretty tasty, but cooking women before you eat them seems like it might make sex after dinner less interesting.  I’m assuming there would be sex after dinner or why would I even bother cooking?  And, I know I am the first dude to ever think of this, but doesn’t cooking and eating a woman sort of suck for her?

Also, you know, what do you talk about with someone you are going to eat?  Does she know you are going to eat her?

In case you think this is just some crazy fantasy, look up Armin Meiwes.  This dude advertised on an internet bulletin board appropriately named the Cannibal Cafe for a victim to be cooked and eaten.  He used the screen name “Franky.”  Many people responded who wanted to be cooked and eaten.  At least twenty potential victims actually went to his house and, while some chickened out, he rejected some others.

Now, you know, I go to clubs and bars and shit, so I am no stranger to rejection.  It happens.  But how does it feel to be rejected as a fucking cannibal victim?

One dude finally responded who apparently met Armin’s tastes and, to prove it, Armin ate the guy.

The Cannibal Cafe bulletin board had a list of available human livestock and applications for those who wanted to be livestock.  Because, you know, you want to show a little discrimination about whom you cook and eat.  But it was a highly moral place.  On the front page, it warned that it would not tolerate participation in its cannibalistic activities by minors.  Or, as those of us in the know like to say, “no veal.”

Anyway, there is cannibalism afoot.  Pun intended.  So, the next time you go to a club and you meet a nice stud or chick, check them out extra carefully.  You may be looking for an ass buffet, but she or he may be looking for the same thing.  Only different.

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Cake

I love cake.  I have been very busy outside the blogofarm in the Real World lately, so I have not had enough cake or a lot of time.

That’s it by way of introduction.  Here is a comic.  It might take a long time to load.  Too fucking bad.

Now go eat cake.  And watch porn.

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