Please Vote!

I had hoped to have some brilliant pre-election commentary ready for today but I have been very, very busy.  Hopefully, I will have some post-election coverage for you all.

Or not.  Maybe I will just write about how you, too, can find eager sex partners at your local hospice home.

In the meantime, please vote.  I did, and I live in New York, so my vote is like farting during a fucking hurricane.  And, like I said, I have been very, very busy.  You’re not too busy to vote.

So, please go vote if you haven’t already.

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Nude MILF Second-Chance Winners

Yesterday, by phone, I chose the winners in the second-chance drawing to the Nude MILF Sweepstakes. Assisting me and keeping me honest this time was the Queen of Fucking Everything herself, Crissy. We also chose a winner for the Nude MILF Pimp Prize.

Here is how we worked it. We communicated by phone and email. Crissy picked a number using random.org from the available winners without telling me. I then emailed her my lists of names. Then, after I pressed “send,” she could tell me the number. She got the email five seconds later and we could both check the winner.

The number for the Nude MILF Sweepstakes was 40, which corresponded to username Blogstalker1 at the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Thanks to you all sending me your usernames beforehand, I knew this was Bonj, aka Shelly’s Mr. Perfectly. Because everyone had sent me their usernames beforehand, we actually put two people in the running whose votes did not show up on Blogger’s Choice because of a glitch they had last Tuesday that lost some votes. But the winning number was up there.

The number chosen for the Nude MILF Pimp Prize was 14, which corresponded on my list of blogs to Melissa Lion. Also, in the list of blogs I showed when announcing the second-chance rules, I mistakenly left out Rachel’s blog, Get Your Freak On, which also pimped the contest. That was included among the entrants, but Melissa Lion’s blog, Recovering Californian, prevailed.

Congratulations to the winners. You’ll get your goodies in the mail before the end of the week.

Now, I know some of you are disappointed. Well, there will be more stoogepie contests in the future, so stay tuned.

Besides, I’m sure you’re all in line to get your share of the $700 billion handout that taxpayers are giving to the people who most need and deserve it.

That’s it for this contest. Congrats to the winners. I feel for those of you who are losers like me. But this country is all about second chances, so stick around.

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No Country for Young Men

Where the fuck have I been?  Was I sleeping?  Had I slept?

First of all, if you haven’t already voted in for Crissy as Hottest Mommy Blogger, do it now!  Right now!  You don’t even have to come back here when you’re done.  By voting, you are automatically entered into the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, with really good chance to win over $1,200 in sweet camera gear and personalized books.  Read about that by clicking here.  But go vote.  Do it now.

So, where the fuck have I been?  I have been busy as hell on a big artistic project.  I can’t really talk about the project, but I have literally over a thousand items related to this project, all listed in neat order, to complete by October 14th.  So I have been working long hours, staying in hotels around this beautiful nation but not sleeping much, and taking way too many fucking stimulants to keep it all rocking.

I was going to post about that shit and in general the terrible effects that hotels and drugs have on me.  But really, you don’t want to read about how speed makes me paranoid and heroin is like a fucking superlaxative for me, do you?  Nah.

I wrote another post and even drew the pictures, but it really sucked ass.  Really.  I don’t know why.  Maybe the drugs and the booze and shitting all the time.  I don’t know.

So, here is my post.  I post it reluctantly.  I really didn’t want to post this one until later but it’s high time I posted some fucking thing.  I’ll fix up the other post I worked on and post that soon, too.  It was really a funny idea, but the execution was straight out of junior high.

Yeah, that’s all I got.

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President Sarah Palin

I wrote a really long post about John McCain and Sarah Palin, but I’m not going to post it. I will be posting that in bits and pieces because it was way too fucking long to post in one sitting. A lot of the post has to do with Bristol Palin because I am in a really good position to write about fundamentalist redneck teens fucking and making new fundamentalist rednecks.

In this post, I will only cover the basics and not really go into Slutpuppy Bristol and her Redneck Baby Daddy.

On August 29, 2008, John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate in the race for president. Sarah Palin has been governor of Alaska for two years and, before that, was perhaps the worst mayor the tiny town of Wasilla had ever had. She was almost recalled as mayor but lasted until she ran for governor. When she became mayor, Wasilla had a budget of $3.9 million and zero debt. Sarah Palin, whom McCain calls a reformer, fiscal conservative, and “tough minded budget cutter,” left the tiny town six years later with a $5.8 million dollar budget and $20 million in debt—about $3,000 per resident—in spite of getting about $27 million in earmarks with the help of a hired Washington lobbyist. So, she’s a tough-minded budget cutter and fiscal conservative just like George W. Bush has been!

As for her being a reformer, well, yeah, as mayor of Wasilla she did fire the town librarian after asking the librarian to censor library books. At the same time, she fired the sheriff because he had supported her rival in the preceding election. And then there is TrooperGate. See, Sarah Palin’s sister had a pretty nasty divorce and her husband was a state trooper. So, naturally, as soon as she became governor, Palin told the top law enforcement official in the state, the Safety Commissioner, to fire her ex-brother-in-law. He refused, so Palin fired the Safety Commissioner instead.

In that investigation, Palin is refusing to turn over 1,100 emails, citing the Deliberative Process and Executive Privilege. Now, many of these emails can’t have anything at all to do with governing Alaska. For instance, a series of the emails have the subject heading “re Andrew Halcro.” Andrew Halcro is a blogger who ran against Palin as an independent in the 2006 governor’s race and his blog has since been pretty critical of Palin. What could emails about him have to do with governing Alaska? Before you come up with some excuse, Todd Palin is copied on a lot of these “privileged” emails. Here is a page from the privilege log. Todd Palin, Sarah’s husband, is not an elected official. He works for BP, the oil company. So, how can emails he is copied on ever be privileged? They can’t. But Palin only needs to keep them secret for two more months. Does Sarah Palin sound more and more like Dick Cheney to you?

The big problem is that, from an actuarial perspective, Sarah Palin is very likely to become president if McCain is elected president. First, McCain is 72 years old, so it’s anybody’s guess whether he will even survive until November. And he has survived multiple bouts with cancer in those 72 years. But let’s face it: it’s a miracle that McCain has survived this long, because we all know that government-controlled healthcare doesn’t work.

See, for all of McCain’s 72 years, McCain has had government-controlled health care. His father was an admiral so, as a child until he went to Vietnam, he had government-controlled health care. Then during Vietnam, he obviously had government-run healthcare. After Vietnam, he had veterans’ benefits when they still provided adequate health care. Then, once he became a congressman, he became entitled to the congressional health care package, which is, of course, run entirely by the government. And neither he nor his millionaire wife has ever complained about their “government-run health care system where a bureaucrat stands between you and your doctor,” but that doesn’t mean he isn’t right on the money. Why else would he so vehemently oppose giving you the same benefit he has enjoyed his entire life? McCain must know he is on the verge of death thanks to 72 years of government-run healthcare with a bureaucrat standing between him and his doctor.

So, before you vote for McCain, it’s a good thing to try to envision what a Palin presidency would look like. Unfortunately, besides the information I’ve already talked about, we don’t have much to go on. Well, there are the statements that both McCain and Palin have made but, as Paul Krugman of the New York Times said, “I can’t think of any precedent, at least in America, for the blizzard of lies since the Republican convention…. [T]he McCain campaign keeps making assertions that anyone with an Internet connection can disprove in a minute, and repeating these assertions over and over again.” We can’t trust a lot of what they say because, really, they have lied and lied and lied.

But we do know that Palin is a fundamentalist Christian who, like many fundamentalist Christians, is fine with telling demonstrable falsehoods. She believes “in a literal translation of the Bible.” That is, the bible is all true. That shit really happened exactly as it’s written.

So, I think Sarah Palin might have some radical ideas about how we should run this country. For instance, when it comes to national defense.

Palin also might be just the person to innovate when it comes to both social and environmental issues.

Palin also has an interesting take on global warming.

Since it looks like McCain stands a good chance of winning because the American people love lies almost as much as they love war, we should get to see soon enough how Palin governs as president.

That’s not all I have to say about Palin but that’s all I’ll say about her right now.

Coming soon, Mister Shorts. And even before that, my very first contest ever: the Nude MILF Contest! Check back, because I’ll be giving away some serious prizes worth more than $500! No shit!

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Modern War Toys™

My long break is drawing to a close.  I will be away all the rest of the week and won’t be able to comment or post.  After that, I will resume my non-summer posting schedule.  It’s been a long summer with a lot going on.

I really need to clean up the stoogepen and, in fact, I started doing a little cleaning earlier this week.  I found all sorts of shit I haven’t seen in forever.  These include school books — which I really should sell before they are out of date — and comic books and toys.  Yes, toys.  Not the toys I have bought since I became an adult — my Adult Toys — like the PS3.  No, the toys I had when I was a kid.

I had a big collection of action figures and other stuff, like war toys.  You know, those green little plastic war toys that come in bags of like a billion.  They always look like this:

These toys were awesome when I was a kid.  I had wars with infantrymen and snipers and tanks and enemies.  I killed entire armies.

But these toys don’t cut it anymore, now do they?  I mean, war has changed.  It’s not about guns and bullets anymore.  War is more subtle than that today.  So, I’ve been thinking that we should update our war toys.  That’s why I have designed Modern War Toys™.

First of all, we are now liberators!  We liberate people.  We have liberated the good people of Iraq.  Now they are free.  Before we went to Iraq, they lived under the brutal dictatorship of Saddam Hussein.  Of course, we installed Saddam as dictator and supported him, and we encouraged him to go to war with Iran.  But that’s water under the bridge.

Still, liberty is not free.  It comes with a price.  Yeah, Saddam Hussein didn’t support terrorism.  And maybe he was a secular leader who supported religious freedom.  In fact, the only synagogue in Iraq — a protected and open Jewish place of worship — and a few dozen Christian churches have been bombed since we invaded, and more Iraqis die violent deaths each day now than did under Saddam’s rule.  Big deal.  Freedom is good.

So, I propose a war toy that celebrates liberation.  Something like this:

Go freedom!  Go USA!

War has changed in other subtle ways as well.  Who would have guessed that eavesdropping on millions of American citizens and reading their emails would be part of the war we are in right now?  But, this is a subtle war that we must win.

I also think we need a war toy that celebrates the fact that, in this war, we have all sorts of wonderful new tactics that we did not employ when I was a kid.  Like outting CIA agents.  And labeling people Enemy Combatants, which entitles us to imprison them forever without a trial or due process.  But my favorite has to be the fact that now we “disappear” people.  That’s right.  We kidnap them and maybe they wind up at Guantanamo Bay or maybe they don’t.  We’re not entitled to know who is at Guantanamo Bay or how they are treated, so we can’t tell what happens to the disappeared people, but what an awesome toy this makes!

Oh, and we waterboard people!  Excellent!  How cool is that?  Maybe it’s not quite torture, but it still makes for a sweet toy!

It’s good to know that Americans don’t torture anyone.  But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a sense of humor!  Who could forget Abu Ghraib, huh?  Now, that’s an excellent toy, and funny, too!

Of course, not everyone is happy.  Some people just like to gripe.  Like the fuckers who complain because we aren’t giving the soldiers any armor.  And then they complain because the same people who support this war have vetoed legislation that would bring the GI Bill into the Twenty-First Century so that it actually provided veterans with an edumacation.  Then they go on to complain because, after the soldiers get injured because their Humvees and helmets and flak jackets have no armor, they are denied medical care.  What a bunch of whiners!  Still, just to appease these pussies, maybe we should throw in a few toys that reflect soldiers’ injuries or veterans’ rights and welfare or something.

You know, not everyone is complaining.  Contractors like Halliburton aren’t complaining.  Yeah, it’s true that Vice President Cheney continues even today to profit from Halliburton and it’s true that that Halliburton got a multi-billion dollar no-bid contract.  They aren’t the big winners.  The real winners are the oil companies.

When Bush entered office, oil was $18 per barrel.  In January of 2001, when Bush was sworn in as president, the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development predicted that, due to limited supply and rising demand, the price of oil would reach $28 per barrel in 2020.  How is that for funny!  Anyways, ExxonMobil posted record profits in February of 2008, with twenty to thirty percent of that profit coming directly from the war in Iraq.  ExxonMobil’s sales for the year before exceeded the gross domestic product of 120 nations.  That makes for one happy war toy!

Of course, things aren’t so great at home for all of us.  What with rising gas and food prices, record numbers of mortgage foreclosures, New Orleans still not safe after Hurricane Katrina, billions of dollars simply missing in Iraq, and a massive deficit that will make your children pay for this war.  So, Americans, you deserve some credit.  You saw all of this happening, and you reelected the people responsible.  In part, because your pastor told you to.  Good for you!  For your faith and inaction, you deserve your own war toy.

Now, I’m ready to start selling these toys but I have to make them by hand at first, so they will be kind of expensive.  Like, about ten bucks each.  But here is the deal.  If you buy all nine war toys for the introductory high price of $90 plus $10 shipping and handling, I will throw in a WMD war toy and an Osama bin Laden war toy — both pictured below — ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Also, if you can think of any other Modern War Toys™ I have forgotten to include, let me know.  But don’t expect a share of the profits.

That’s all I have to say about Modern War Toys™.  See you in a week or so.

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