Carville’s Angels

It’s been a long time since I posted or even read a blog, and I apologize for that.  My computer went nuts and then I decided that I would build a new computer to replace the old one.  And it really is a sweet computer now that I have it together.  But what a fucking ordeal.  And it wasn’t one bit cheaper in the end than buying a system already made.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the election season a lot as it winds down.  I worked on this comic a little while I was not working on my computer.  I can’t really post a lot of very long comics because they literally take me days and days to do and I just don’t have the time, but here you go.

More very soon.  No more breaks for me!!

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Alabama Needs Dildos

I have discussed the ban on the sale of sex toys in Alabama before.  I want Alabama to repeal this law.  In September of 2007, a bill that would have repealed the ban on sex toys was killed in Alabama’s House of Representatives.  The good news is that, at the same session, the Alabama House of Representatives also killed a bill, called the Alabama Academic Freedom Act, that would have made it okay for teachers in Alabama schools to teach children that Jesus served dinosaur steaks at the last supper.

In fairness, I should mention that, until very recently, Texas and Mississippi had also banned sales of sex toys.  In February of this year, the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals struck down the Texas law.  Since Mississippi is also in the 5th Circuit, that decision renders the ban in Mississippi essentially unenforceable (though it is still on the books).

That leaves Alabama.  Alabama, in the 11th Federal Circuit, is unaffected by decisions in the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals.

Alabama is, of course, otherwise a thoroughly modern state.  It even repealed its law against interracial marriages in 2000.  At the dawn of the twenty-first century, only 42% of Alabama citizens voted against allowing white people to marry black people.  How fucking progressive.

A little more than a year ago, the 11th Circuit, Alabama’s Federal Circuit Court of Appeals, found that a ban against sex toys was perfectly fine as far as the United States Constitution is concerned because “there was no ... right to sexual privacy” and “concerns over public morality” are a legitimate basis for any law.  In the spirit of romance, they filed this opinion on Valentine’s Day, 2007.

Also about a year ago, the same 11th Circuit Court of Appeals found that mental retardation is not a disability.  They wrote, “It is unclear whether thinking, communicating and social interaction are ‘major life activities….’”  This explains a lot.

Anyway, I am not here to rag on Alabama.  I want to celebrate Alabama.  For your benefit, Alabama, I am here to show you that, with your silly ban on sex toys, you are missing out.  There are sex toys out there that would especially appeal to the people of your fine state.  This is really just a random sample of a few of my favorites, but it will convince you to repeal your ban on sex toys.

You have seen blow-up dolls, Alabama.  You obviously don’t really think blow-up dolls are all that special or you would be screaming about this whole sex-toy ban.  I can’t imagine why you don’t find blow-up dolls as attractive as the rest of the country.

But Alabama is also the third fattest state in the nation, narrowly (or not so narrowly) behind Mississippi’s and West Virginia’s fat asses.  So, Alabama, have you seen this?

Come on.  You know you want one.

Also, Alabama has the second highest rate of uninsured motorists in the nation.  A whopping twenty-five percent — yes, 25% — of drivers on the road in Alabama are uninsured.  (Again, Alabama was beat narrowly only by Mississippi.)  And most of those uninsured motorists are fat.

Uninsured motorists are responsible for a disproportionate number of accidents that result in serious, life-changing injury.  As a result, there are probably more than a few people in Alabama (and Mississippi) who look like this sex toy.

Sexy, huh?  It’s like it was made with your state in mind.

Finally, as the 11th Circuit stated, Alabama passed this silly sex-toy ban because it is concerned with public morality.  I suggest that, if that is truly Alabama’s concern, it could pass a law instead that says people shouldn’t play with their sex toys in public.

I suspect that there is also a religious motivation.  Alabama is squarely in the bible belt with the bible belt’s higher-than-the-national-average rates of divorce, crime, alcoholism, and domestic violence.  In addition, Alabama is the home of ex-Judge Roy Moore.  Roy Moore was the Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court who refused to remove the ten commandments from the state courthouse in 2003.  As a result, he had to be forcibly removed from his post as Chief Justice: he was violating the law by ignoring federal courts.  While Alabama is concerned with public morality when it comes to sex toys, it stands steadfastly behind a Chief Justice of its Supreme Court who publicly defies the law.

Sex toys can offer Alabama the best of both worlds without any hypocrisy.  Alabama can enjoy sex toys and religion in private.  And sex toys can enhance the religious experience.

First, we have Baby Jesus buttplugs, which I have discussed in the past.  The same company that makes the Baby Jesus buttplugs, Divine Interventions, also makes Moses dildos.  If you buy both you can use them in the privacy of your own home or even under the cloak of your judicial robes, enjoying the old and the new testaments in ways you never before dreamed.  You can bring Moses with you to the courthouse every day parting your sphincter just as he parted the Red Sea.  How is that for sticking it to the Constitution and its Separation of Church and State?

So, come on Alabama.  Get with the program.  Sex toys are okay and you know it.  Stop giving people reasons to write blogs about you.

You know, re-reading this entry, I think maybe I should write something about Mississippi some time.

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Vote With Your Ass!

Some people have asked me why I write this blog.  I want to explain. 

I write this blog for the same reason that I have done amateur stand-up for much of my adult life.  I write this blog for the same reason that I have gotten up early every morning to write my thoughts and ideas for years.  I write this blog for the same reason I have quietly studied illustrating for the past several years.  I write this blog for the same reason that I have dabbled in Flash and Maya 3D software to explore their usefulness in making good comics.  In short, I write this blog for the very same reason I breathe.  Because I am insane.

This brings us to an important point.  In addition to my other whorish behaviors that are far too numerous to list, I am an attention whore.

I think that all people who write blogs are attention whores.  All writers are attention whores.  All artists and actors and newscasters and weathermen and talk-show hosts and poets: attention whores.  Okay, maybe not the poets.  They are something else.

Some bloggers also have delusional ideas that they will make a shitload of money off their website.  Now, I know that a few people who write very popular blogs make money with their blogs.  According to some sources, Dooce generates $40,000 a month.  $40,000!  A month!  And dooce.com fucking sucks ass!  That is one expensive goddamn rim job.  You’re pissed because Elliot Spitzer got laid for $5,000 when Dooce’s Heather Armstrong is getting forty grand a month serving up her kid to baby junkies?

But I digress.  This blog, and just about every other blog out there, will never turn a real profit.  Even if they do generate a profit, they will never get anywhere near that Dooce level of cash.  Why?  Well, maybe because we suck even more than Dooce.  Or maybe because we lack the skills required to profitably whore ourselves and our children for more than mere attention.  Whatever.

Anyway, I want to whore myself to all of you and do whatever it takes to bring people to this blog, but I’m also lazy and disinterested.  Mostly lazy. 

But did I mention that I also want your money?  Well, yes, I want your money.  All of it.  I am willing to kill you to get your money, but wouldn’t it be more pleasant for everyone concerned if you just sent it to me?  Of course it would.

So, I have been looking into what it takes to get your money without killing you. 

Step one, no matter what, is to attract more readers.  I need to attract readers so that I can have you give me all your money, or so that I can kill you and steal all your money.  Just so you understand how this works, I am also working on a plan that might have you all commit suicide, and then I somehow get your money.  I haven’t worked out all the kinks in that plan yet, though.

Anyway, I have read a lot of shit on the internet about attracting more readers, but it all takes too much work.  For instance, one piece of advice is that I should write things that you want to read.  What kind of advice is that?  If you people don’t want to read about the things that I like to write about, then fuck you!  I want to write about feet with pussies in the soles, and dickmail, and fucking cars.  If that’s not what you feel like reading about, what the fuck is wrong with you?  Who are you people?

If you don’t think this is awesome, there is nothing I can do for you.

Now, a friend told me that I should make up a banner ad for MySpace and other social networking sites.  So, with a little help, I did.

Making that banner ad took a few days but it was a ton of fucking fun.  If you want to put my banner ad on your website to help get this whole thing going, email me and I will send you the secret code.  In exchange, I don’t mind helping you to make a similar banner ad for your website, but you will need to supply me with a naked chick.

That’s it for marketing the site.  I’m done.  I don’t have time for this bullshit.

As far as making money from all of you, people have a lot of ideas about that.  First there are ads.  You will notice that I have two underutilized highly profitable sidebars to the right.  Make me an offer.

Some people instead ask readers to donate money to the website.  What the fuck is that all about?  What am I, the March of Fucking Dimes?  I ain’t no stinking charity. 

Another idea is that, instead of asking you to donate cash, I should ask you to buy me something, like a beer or a cup of coffee.  Here is one of these coffee appeals that I stole from another website.

That’s really just asking a different way for you to donate, except that I would ask you to donate two bucks.  But you know what?  I can buy my own fucking coffee.  I mean, if I could get a million people to come to this site and buy me a cup a coffee, I would get $2 million, and that’s sweet enough.  But what are the fucking chances?

Instead of the stupid coffee thing, I have considered this:

Let me know whether you would donate to buy me a whore.  That would work for me.  If so, I will put up a permanent ad.  A very nasty whore is going to cost a fucking bundle, but I would give you all the disgusting details.

The problem is that people don’t want to buy someone else anything.  People don’t mind buying themselves something, but why the fuck would you buy anything for me?  So I need to sell something that you want.

Well, being the creative, inventive dude that I am, I came upon what I think is the perfect plan.  This is my brilliant invention number two, and it just so happens that it has a lot to do with number two.

It occurred to me that a lot of you buy buttplugs, as demonstrated by the Pigtail and Baby Jesus buttplugs about which I have already written.  The question was, how could I capitalize on the fact that you like to stick things up your ass while also being topical?  My answer: electoral buttplugs!

These buttplugs speak for themselves.  My work here is done.  Now send me your money.

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Political Comic

Lest you think that all stoogepie does is watch porn and eat cake, here is my first (and likely my last) political cartoon.

In case you don’t recognize them, one of the three senators depicted will be the next president of the United States unless a snowball’s-chance-in-hell third-party candidate wins.  Or unless, far more likely, martial law is imposed and elections are put off until there is even more peace on earth and good will toward men than we already have right now.

There.  I have earned some credibility.  Stay tuned for more porn and cake (unless I think of something really fucking hilarious to say about the subprime mortgage crisis).

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Of Governors and Whores

Let me get my Elliot Spitzer joke out of the way.

Q: Why did Elliot Spitzer go to a prostitute?
A: Because his wife wouldn’t swallow.  She was a Spitzer.

Whew!  I feel better now.

Right now, the big thing in the news here in New York is all about the new governor, David Paterson, who became governor after Elliot Spitzer’s resignation.  The two burning questions for Governor Paterson from the press appear to be (1) “Who does this New York governor fuck?” and (2) “What drugs has this New York governor taken?”

I don’t really know why anyone gives a shit.  The point with the whole Spitzer thing was that prostitution is illegal and that fucking prostitutes is illegal.  Besides, Spitzer prosecuted prostitutes before he was governor, so he was a no-good fucking hypocrite.  Even there I think, geez, when did it become a big deal for a politician to be a hypocrite?  Shit, I’m not even a politician but if all of a sudden I couldn’t be hypocritical, I don’t think I could ever browbeat anyone again.  The horror!

So I think it’s the illegality of his conduct that landed Spitzer in hot water.  But nobody has even asked this new governor, as far as I know, “Alright, so you fucked around.  But anything illegal?  You ever killed a guy or, you know, knocked over a liquor store?”

And it’s not like Governor Paterson hasn’t admitted to illegal activity!  I mean, he has admitted that he has smoked weed and used cocaine in the past.  That’s illegal, yet I don’t see anyone calling for Governor Paterson’s resignation. 

Maybe it’s because he’s legally blind that nobody cares whether what he did was illegal.  But I think I heard somewhere that blindness to the law is no excuse.  What the hell does it mean to be legally blind anyway?

All that I’m getting at is that I don’t care whether Governor Paterson snorts cocaine off the bare back of a ten-dollar whore while he fucks her up the ass on the steps of City Hall, just so long as he doesn’t arrest her afterward.

Why is prostitution illegal, anyway?  I mean, porn is not only legal, it is fan-fucking-tastic!  So why is prostitution illegal?  How come, if I hire someone to go with me to a motel room and fuck my brains out, I go to jail?  But if I also hire a cameraman, the police will stand outside and make sure nobody bothers us while we’re filming.  Does this make sense to anyone?  Is the cameraman union that powerful?  What, exactly, is the difference? 

It’s freedom of speech, right?  You’re thinking that pornography is entitled to protection as a form of expression, but fucking in private is not.  Well, if you don’t think that fucking is not only a form of expression but a pretty goddamn loud one at that, if you don’t think that fucking can be art, if you don’t think that any blowjob can be worth a thousand pictures even if the exchange rate is bad, then you are fucking the wrong people.  Maybe you should see a professional.

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