Mister Shorts Number 9

So, it’s time for a Mister Shorts. But first, stoogepie’s sad tale of credit card woe.

I lost a fucking credit card a few weeks ago. Maybe I left it at a bakery in the West Village when I made a pretty goddamn large baked goods purchase. I don’t fucking know. I went back to that bakery but I didn’t even ask the baker chicks about the credit card. I just bought some more cake and left.

I called the credit card company because, yo, that is what you do when you lose your credit card. It is not like when you lose your virginity or your mind and you just say, “Well fuck me. I will never get that shit back.” And it is not like when you lose your girlfriend or your wad and you just say, “Whatev. It will take me twenty minutes to replace that.” When you lose your credit card, you have to call the credit card company and tell them your sad tale of credit card woe and answer a bunch of questions and then it’s up to them whether or not to send you a brand stinking new credit card. I had never lost a credit card before, so I was kind of nervous about this.

So, you know, I called the credit card company over in Calcutta or wherever and told them I lost my credit card, and I got a very nice plastic lady who told me that, fuck my sorry ass, it looked like someone had been using my card to make illegal purchases. She asked me when I had lost it and I said I did not know. Maybe a few weeks ago. I thought it was on my desk or at the dry cleaners or fucking an ATM machine or what the hell ever. How should I know? My credit card has a mind of its own.

So the very nice plastic lady said, well, it looks like there is some suspicious charge activity, so let’s go back a month or so. And she said, “There is a charge for a website, it looks like some kind of adult website.” And I asked which site. And she told me and I said, “yeah, that’s the one with the ass smoothies that Ken turned me on to a while back. Nah, that was me.” See, I have that credit card in AutoFill in my Google Toolbar, so I just click to use it. I don’t need actual plastic at all. I might have lost the card by then, but who the fuck knows?

Anyways, the nice plastic lady goes through like fifteen more porn purchases and a few cake purchases until we got to that last live purchase at the bakery, and then just more online porn. And at the end of the call, the lady actually asks me, “Do you work in the pornography industry or something? That is a lot of porn.” And I said, yeah, I am a porno dude. If she watches porn, she might even recognize my dick. It’s the veiny reddish one that tilts up and to the right at the head. And then she just said my new card will arrive in a couple of days and hung up on me.

I got the card and promised myself that, this time, my signature on the back would not look like I took ten meth tabs, then dug my eyes out with a spoon, and then signed with my left hand while jerking off with my right. But that did not happen.

I won’t even tell you about how both graphics cards in my computer failed last week because that is even more fucking boring than my tale of credit card woe. But I will say this: good day, graphics cards! I said, good day!

That’s all I have to say about woe is me and all that shit. Next time, I will have a comic so badass you will not even get past the first fucking panel before you rub one off.

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Mister Shorts Number 8

I haven’t done a Mister Shorts in a while. There’s really no reason for that because I really like Mister Shorts. So, as February bids us farewell, here is a Mister Shorts.

I’m headed to another funeral today. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be glad to see funeral season draw to a close. I think I look good in black and all, but funerals for old people are not a good place to meet women unless you are seriously interested in granny fucking. Which I am only somewhat interested in.

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Mister Shorts and the Nude MILF Pimp Prize

If you don’t give a shit about the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, you can scroll right down to Mister Shorts.

First of all, you have all been great. We are on our way to winning the Hottest Mommy Blogger for Crissy and getting those nude pictures. I know that, in no particular order, Crissy, Ken, Dingo, Maxie, Adminderella, Chris, Melissa and Ben have pimped the contest. If I missed you, I apologize. It is late and I am pretty goddamn fucked up. Melissa even added to the pot by offering signed and personalized copies of her novels Swollen and Upsteam.

Second of all, I have renamed the Nude MILF Contest the Nude MILF Sweepstakes because apparently there is a fucking difference.

Anyways, you have all been fucking excellent but a little more incentive never hurt.

In my last post, I promised that I would come up with a sweet prize for the blog that successfully pimped this contest to the winner. Well, I am ready to tell you what that prize is.

Rachel, Chris, and others expressed great interest in a camera. Too bad. I’m all the fuck out of cameras.

But I keep my promises. I have something that might be just as good.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to the Sony Handycam HDR-TG1. According to J&R Music World, this baby has a list price of $899. That’s right. Do I have your attention yet?

This camcorder is the world’s smallest full HD camcorder. You really can carry it everywhere with you. Although it is only a tiny bit taller than a digital camera, it still boasts a swing-out 2.7” LCD. It runs entirely on memory sticks and comes with 4GB of memory. It shoots in true HD, is all touch screen, and has a body made of fucking titanium. The damn thing does surround sound and has face detection. It will take 4-megapixel stills, so you might not even need a goddamn digital camera if you win this.

For those of you outside of North America, it’s NTSC. Sorry, but I do not have an unlimited supply of these so I can’t get you PAL. Quit your goddamn moaning and sell it on fucking ebay if you win it.

So, how do you win? You pimp this contest. You can, as I explained in my last post, act like you’re holding the contest without mentioning this website. Or you can link here or do it however the fuck you want. If you link, please use the abbreviated link—http://www.stoogepie.com/index.php/stooge/more/nude_milf_sweepstakes/. It makes for easier, faster voting and it complies with all the laws in the universe.

Also, I have upped the ante and thrown in a copy of Photoshop CS3 for Windows. (If you’re a Mac user and insist, I will get you the Mac version instead.) Dingo made me do it. Seriously. In emails she said that, if she were getting a sweet camera, she would want Photoshop. She is, indeed, the mistress of Photoshop so I had to pull a copy of Photoshop off the shelf for her.

Anyways, when I select a winner of the Nude MILF Sweepstakes, I will ask the winner where he or she heard about the contest. If they say they heard about it first from your site, you win the camcorder. And I don’t care if they are your brother-in-law and they lie to keep all the goodies in the family.

Some rules:

First, you must have a blog at the time this entry is posted. I don’t want people starting brand new blogs with no readers just so that, if they win the main contest, they can tell their brother-in-law to get them the camcorder. If there is any question, you must be able to demonstrate to me that you actually had a blog when I posted this entry. For most of you, this will not be an issue.

Second, you must actually pimp this contest on your blog. Whether you mention this website or call it the Nude MILF Sweepstakes or whatever doesn’t matter. As I said in the last post, you can pimp the contest as your own, but you must pimp the contest. In practice, I don’t care if you announce the contest at church and tell everyone to say they read about it on your blog. I don’t care if you take out an ad on Craigslist or hand out flyers, and tell people how to answer the question about where they first heard about the contest. By all means, market the contest. Get votes any way you can. But you must at least mention the contest on your blog to win the camcorder. If we get down to the wire on Blogger’s Choice and we need a surge to bring us over the top, I may borrow some adwords impressions from my shop. A click-through from your site is not enough to win the camcorder. It is, though, as long as you actually pimp the contest.

Finally, if the winner of the Nude MILF Sweepstakes says that he heard about the contest from my website or some non-pimping source, I will hold a follow-up sweepstakes limited to blogs that pimped the contest. That means I will need to know that you pimped the contest. The easiest way to do this is to leave a comment here because I am not going to ask. Seriously, how fucking hard do I need to work to give away a sweet fucking camcorder? Your odds of winning will be, what? Like twenty or thirty to one?

Oh, and I am the only person ineligible to win the camcorder. Crissy and Ken are eligible. I think that’s fair since they have both worked pretty hard to pull in the votes and since we would all get some pleasure out of their use of this nifty little device. And they should keep pushing for votes, too.

Finally, if you’re a regular reader and not a blogger or you are just not interested in pimping the contest, please take some time to visit the websites of the people who comment here and the blogs in my bloghole. Then, if you win the contest, you can lie and say you heard about the contest from them. As long as they pimped the contest, it’s an easy way to hand a blogger you like an awesome camcorder.

One more thing: my decision is final. About every fucking thing.

And, yes, you can win both the camera and the camcorder, you greedy, lucky fuck. If you win the camera and pimped the contest, you get both.

In case you can’t tell, I am dead fucking serious about winning Hottest Mommy Blogger for Crissy.

Now, Mister Shorts has something to say.

This Mister Shorts comic had nothing at all to do with the contest, in case you have any ideas.

That is all.

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Mister Shorts Number 6

Yesterday was supposed to be the Porks of July, but there were no fireworks for me.  There was a light rain all night so a lot of rooftop parties moved indoors, which made getting drunk and watching things blow up to celebrate our independence more difficult.  Suckage.

Mister Shorts watched the fireworks from, like, Coney Island or somewhere.

I heart Mister Shorts.

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Mister Shorts Number 5

I would just like to say thanks a lot to Obama for messing up all my plans for Carville’s Angels.  It took me days to make that strip and now I don’t even know how to continue it.  Hopefully, the candidates will be my muse and inspire me.

Anyways, it’s high time for a brand spanking new Mister Shorts.

What will that crazy Mister Shorts do next time?

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