Kiala Comics

It would be nice if I posted something new, I know.  It’s coming.

Meanwhile, go check out the comic I did for Kiala’s website, Face of the Cookie.  Click here to go to the first installment.

Note that, to see the comic full-size, you will need to click on it.  Then, if your browser tries to make big things fit on one screen (like Firefox 3 and some versions of IE), you will need to click on the tiny picture to make it full size.

Go on.  It’s worth it.

And don’t forget to read the installments in order.

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Stand-Up Experiment

Yeah, yeah, I don’t post often enough.  Live with it, bitches.

The reason I haven’t posted lately is because I had a stand-up gig on Wednesday so I ran out of funny.  I had nothing left to post after that.  I was onstage for over 35 minutes.  That’s a long-assed time to be funny.  Just so you know, I will tell maybe six jokes a minute doing stand-up.  Do the fucking math: 35 minutes is like sixteen million jokes.

Really, I worked for days and then pulled an all-nighter getting ready for that set and then I was just too tired and feeling too unfunny to post

So, all I did for this post is pull together a couple of minutes of material from that gig, edited it a little, and put it into a comic.  I’m calling it an experiment because I don’t know how well it works.  But, fuck it.  I did it so now that’s my post.

That’s all I have to say about this comic.

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Adventures of Crissy

Some of you may have missed the comic I did for Crissy, which she graciously posted last Tuesday.

You should go check it out.  It’s a pretty good strip and will also give you a flavor for Crissy’s blog.

Get there now by clicking here!

I am working on a strip for a different blog now but I won’t spoil the surprise by telling you which blog.  But, you know, I did update the bloghole.

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My Personal Life

So, I am still sort of working on a very long comic.  It is epic, really.  Epic!  But it also sucks ass, so I’m putting it aside for a while.  That’s the problem with big projects.  Sometimes they seem like good ideas until you actually execute them.  Then they can totally suck.

Fail!  Oh well.  Whatever.  I have wasted days and days on this shit.  Here is one panel from the comic, just so you can get the flavor of it.

The biggest problem with all of this is that it has diverted my attention and kept me up late every night trying to figure out how to make the damn Epic Comic work.  So I haven’t been posting to the blog enough.  And when I don’t post often enough, people email me to see whether I am alive and still updating the blog.  Sometimes they make smalltalk so it doesn’t seem like they’re just emailing me to tell me to hurry the fuck up and post something.  A lot of people write me with questions.  One of the questions I get a lot is how I do the comics.

So here is how I do the stoogepie comics. 

I start with a rough sketch.  It usually looks something like this.

Then I fill in a little detail, but not too much.

Then I color it in, put in the speech balloons, layer it all on a comic panel in Photoshop, do some touch-up, and — voila! — completed comic!

Sometimes people ask me very specific questions about the shit that I write on the site or stuff that I post.  Like, for instance, one dude asked lots of questions about my banner ad. 

Lots of questions.  How did I get stoogepie.com on the chick’s belly?  Did I film it and then composite it?  Is the picture of the pig stock footage because I probably do not have a pig in my New York City apartment?  Blah blah blah blah blah?

All I have to say is don’t fuck with my pig.  Also, if you want for me to show you how to draw a perfect stoogepie.com logo on a naked chick’s belly, bring her on over.  Really.

But that brings us to the personal questions.  A lot of people ask personal questions, like whether I own my apartment in the middle of Manhattan and how I can afford to live here since I am just a stoogepie and what I do for a living.  As for what I do for a living, I.  Don’t.  Know.  I multitask most of my day at the office. 

Just like you, I worry that one day the Man will realize that I don’t do a damn thing to make me worthy of the money they pay me.  Not.  One.  Thing.  I do spend a lot of time at the office but that’s because where I work, we have interns and they need a guiding hand.

Anyway, I will tell you about my personal life.  The truth is, when I am not at the office or making comics or writing for this blog or sleeping or eating or pissing or shitting, my life is like a fucking spy novel.  Full of adventure and intrigue and crazy-assed weapons and sexy but dangerous women.  Actually, sometimes when I am pissing it is like that, too.  But not most of the time.  Anyways, my point is that I don’t talk about my personal life a lot on this blog because you can’t fucking handle it.  So don’t go emailing me and asking me questions about my personal life when you are not ready to deal with the answers.

That’s all I have to say about my personal life.

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Vote With Your Ass!

Some people have asked me why I write this blog.  I want to explain. 

I write this blog for the same reason that I have done amateur stand-up for much of my adult life.  I write this blog for the same reason that I have gotten up early every morning to write my thoughts and ideas for years.  I write this blog for the same reason I have quietly studied illustrating for the past several years.  I write this blog for the same reason that I have dabbled in Flash and Maya 3D software to explore their usefulness in making good comics.  In short, I write this blog for the very same reason I breathe.  Because I am insane.

This brings us to an important point.  In addition to my other whorish behaviors that are far too numerous to list, I am an attention whore.

I think that all people who write blogs are attention whores.  All writers are attention whores.  All artists and actors and newscasters and weathermen and talk-show hosts and poets: attention whores.  Okay, maybe not the poets.  They are something else.

Some bloggers also have delusional ideas that they will make a shitload of money off their website.  Now, I know that a few people who write very popular blogs make money with their blogs.  According to some sources, Dooce generates $40,000 a month.  $40,000!  A month!  And dooce.com fucking sucks ass!  That is one expensive goddamn rim job.  You’re pissed because Elliot Spitzer got laid for $5,000 when Dooce’s Heather Armstrong is getting forty grand a month serving up her kid to baby junkies?

But I digress.  This blog, and just about every other blog out there, will never turn a real profit.  Even if they do generate a profit, they will never get anywhere near that Dooce level of cash.  Why?  Well, maybe because we suck even more than Dooce.  Or maybe because we lack the skills required to profitably whore ourselves and our children for more than mere attention.  Whatever.

Anyway, I want to whore myself to all of you and do whatever it takes to bring people to this blog, but I’m also lazy and disinterested.  Mostly lazy. 

But did I mention that I also want your money?  Well, yes, I want your money.  All of it.  I am willing to kill you to get your money, but wouldn’t it be more pleasant for everyone concerned if you just sent it to me?  Of course it would.

So, I have been looking into what it takes to get your money without killing you. 

Step one, no matter what, is to attract more readers.  I need to attract readers so that I can have you give me all your money, or so that I can kill you and steal all your money.  Just so you understand how this works, I am also working on a plan that might have you all commit suicide, and then I somehow get your money.  I haven’t worked out all the kinks in that plan yet, though.

Anyway, I have read a lot of shit on the internet about attracting more readers, but it all takes too much work.  For instance, one piece of advice is that I should write things that you want to read.  What kind of advice is that?  If you people don’t want to read about the things that I like to write about, then fuck you!  I want to write about feet with pussies in the soles, and dickmail, and fucking cars.  If that’s not what you feel like reading about, what the fuck is wrong with you?  Who are you people?

If you don’t think this is awesome, there is nothing I can do for you.

Now, a friend told me that I should make up a banner ad for MySpace and other social networking sites.  So, with a little help, I did.

Making that banner ad took a few days but it was a ton of fucking fun.  If you want to put my banner ad on your website to help get this whole thing going, email me and I will send you the secret code.  In exchange, I don’t mind helping you to make a similar banner ad for your website, but you will need to supply me with a naked chick.

That’s it for marketing the site.  I’m done.  I don’t have time for this bullshit.

As far as making money from all of you, people have a lot of ideas about that.  First there are ads.  You will notice that I have two underutilized highly profitable sidebars to the right.  Make me an offer.

Some people instead ask readers to donate money to the website.  What the fuck is that all about?  What am I, the March of Fucking Dimes?  I ain’t no stinking charity. 

Another idea is that, instead of asking you to donate cash, I should ask you to buy me something, like a beer or a cup of coffee.  Here is one of these coffee appeals that I stole from another website.

That’s really just asking a different way for you to donate, except that I would ask you to donate two bucks.  But you know what?  I can buy my own fucking coffee.  I mean, if I could get a million people to come to this site and buy me a cup a coffee, I would get $2 million, and that’s sweet enough.  But what are the fucking chances?

Instead of the stupid coffee thing, I have considered this:

Let me know whether you would donate to buy me a whore.  That would work for me.  If so, I will put up a permanent ad.  A very nasty whore is going to cost a fucking bundle, but I would give you all the disgusting details.

The problem is that people don’t want to buy someone else anything.  People don’t mind buying themselves something, but why the fuck would you buy anything for me?  So I need to sell something that you want.

Well, being the creative, inventive dude that I am, I came upon what I think is the perfect plan.  This is my brilliant invention number two, and it just so happens that it has a lot to do with number two.

It occurred to me that a lot of you buy buttplugs, as demonstrated by the Pigtail and Baby Jesus buttplugs about which I have already written.  The question was, how could I capitalize on the fact that you like to stick things up your ass while also being topical?  My answer: electoral buttplugs!

These buttplugs speak for themselves.  My work here is done.  Now send me your money.

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