Mental Health Mayday Part 2

So, I wrote last time about how May is National Mental Health Month.  Woohoo! 

I want to continue that post here.  I have a lot of very personal experience with insane people that you just might find helpful.

I have dated a lot of women.  And a lot of them have been crazy.  You don’t often find out that women are crazy while you are out in a public place with them.  They seem perfectly sane and very hot until you get them home or, even worse, until your dick is ready to do its business.

There is nothing wrong with fucking crazy women.  Sometimes it can be great.  I went out with one woman who was totally shit out of her fucking mind.  We met at a bar where she was too young to be drinking.  This is almost exactly what she told me that very first night.

Anyway, I went out with her for over a whole year.  I really wanted to break up with her because she was driving me fucking nuts, but I was afraid that nobody else would do all the nasty sex shit that she was perfectly happy to do.  I miss her.

Another time I went out with a perfectly normal woman who was wicked fucking sexy.  We went out a couple of times and it was lame, but her hotness demanded that I keep trying.  So, I insisted that we have dinner at my house.  This was only fair because I had spent like a fucking grand on dinners and entertainment already.

So I made dinner.  Really, I cooked the whole thing from recipes off the internet.  I can’t remember what I made but it was fucking incredible for me.  I don’t even think it cost anything less than going to a fancy restaurant, except that I got to take advantage of my borderline alcoholism by simply serving wine from my vast but cheap wine.com collection. 

We ate dinner and everything was great.  She didn’t eat much, but she was one of those food-pickers who never ate much.  She said she loved the food, though, and asked lots of questions about how it had been prepared.  Then she excused herself to go to the bathroom.  I cleared dishes.  After she came back, I went to take a piss.  While I was pissing, I noticed a smell: vomit.  She had puked.  I made her dinner, she ate it, and then she puked.

Now, what do you do when somebody pukes right after you serve them dinner?  I mean, is it unreasonable for me to want for you to digest the food I make and then shit it out instead of just puking it into the toilet right after you eat?  So, I did the only thing that seemed reasonable.  I asked her if she wanted dessert.  She said, “sure.”

I had actually bought the dessert but I lied and said I had made it.  To make the lie stick, I had looked up recipes on the internet.  I hope you are taking notes.

Anyway, she ate some dessert, then went back to the bathroom.  I cleared the dishes, opened some more wine, then checked the bathroom and, yep, she had puked again.

I was pretty sure by now that she was bulimic.  But whatever.  She was really fucking hot.  So, we sit on the couch and talk, we drink more, we kiss, we start to feel each other up.  She is pretty drunk, I guess.  And, after a while, she does something pretty fucking aggressive.  She moves her face into my lap like she is going to blow me.  I’m thinking, “Yes!” 

But, no, she pukes in my crotch.  Yes.  Pukes.  In.  My.  Crotch.  I didn’t even know what it was at first.

So, she had the same reaction to my meat that she had to all meat.  She stayed the night but she just slept.  I was glad to see her go in the morning.  Somehow, I still smelled like puke the next morning as she smelled like she had just washed her hair.

I could keep going.  I have a lot of experience with insane women.  But rather than share a bunch of anecdotes, I have developed some basic guidelines.  Manic-Depressives are awesome if they are in their manic phase.  They are perfect as on-again-off-again fuckbuddies.  Schizophrenics are often boring and suburban once they get treated and their meds are working.  And if they are off their meds, they talk too fucking much.  And I mean I-See-Dead-People talk.  Stay away.  Anorexics are fine if they are early-stage anorexics, and they often look fucking incredible!  Bulimics don’t give good head: hair trigger gag reflex.  Obsessive-compulsives?  Well, it depends.

I did not just make up those guidelines.  They are based on my hard-won experience.  I have not just met crazy women at clubs and such, but also through online dating services like match.com.  My rough estimation:

But you can dramatically improve these odds by looking for — yes, that’s right, seeking — insane women and using my guidelines. 

I recently discovered No Longer Lonely.  This dating site is fucking awesome!  Okay, you will need to join to really get into it but, no kidding, this is the best fucking dating website ever.  Oh, did I mention that you have to be insane to join?  Yeah, you do.  I qualified.

I had my misgivings at first.  When you sign up, you have to tell them how you are crazy.  Here is what the form looks like:

Notice anything missing?  See, I was hoping to cut through the bullshit and focus my searches with laser sharpness, so I had really hoped that either hypersexuality or nymphomania would be listed.  Neither is there.  So you need to choose among the illnesses provided and then use the profiles and email to figure out which women are the real fuck monkeys.

But, I have to tell you, the women here are totally fucking incredible.  There are too many dudes joining the website right now, but that’s because the talent is so good.  About 80% of the women fall somewhere between cute and unbe-fucking-lievable.  I don’t want to post pictures of them here because that would be wrong and I also want the hottiest of the hotties for myself.  But, for instance, here is the most important part of the profile of one totally wicked sweet babe:

Ripe for the picking.

Like I said, a lot of guys are joining recently and that’s no surprise,  But the best part is, the competition is fucking nuts!  Here is one dude’s entire profile who has a screen name that is eerily similar to “IKillKittens.”

Here is another.  This dude is a little bit country, and a little bit off his rocker.

Need I say more?

So, if you’re crazy and looking for a crazy chick who also happens to be incredibly hot, this is the dating site for you.  I’ll see you there!

That’s all I have to say about insanity for now.  But, hey, May has only just begun.  Enjoy National Mental Health Month!

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