Why No Whores, Craigslist?

Well, this is one of those obligatory posts. See, I’m working on a different post. A big post. Kind of like when I worked on Pierre the Zombie or Wikipedia Jones. And it took a while and I had to get my dick sucked a lot and I needed a little S&M and a lot of drugs.

So, I’m in that way again, and not totally sure that the drugs aren’t counterproductive, and thinking a little that maybe I should stop the drugs for a while. After I run out of my stash, maybe, I mean. Which might happen by January or so, unless I can find a bunch of coke-sniffing sluts to come over to the stoogepen and use up all my drugs.

Not that it’s all that hard to find coke-sluts, but I was looking on Craigslist the other day for, you know, wholesale whores in the pussy section and I discovered that they changed that whole section of Craigslist. There are no more ads for whores there.

When I say “whores,” I mean prostitutes, not sluts.

See, two weeks ago, Craigslist reached a settlement with the attorneys general of forty states that required them to get ID for any ads placed in the personals section. So now you need a phone number and a credit card to take out an ad in the fuck section of Craigslist. And Craigslist also sued people who set up ways to circumvent the system by assigning temporary phone numbers and credit card numbers for a fee. So, this is some serious shit.

No pussy for you. Not if Craigslist has anything to say about it.

Since Craigslist implemented these measures, fuck ads are down by 80%. And the po-po made a lot of arrests at the same time. Like in Massachusetts, they arrested eight people. And in North Carolina, they arrested another eight people. And a couple more in South Carolina. And in Florida, they arrested a whopping 35 people!

So, there is less fucking for money going on. Meaning that, in addition to the economic crisis the United States faces, it now also faces a pussy crisis.

As an aside — and this is a little bit of a tangent — if you have been following all the sordid details of the subprime mortgage crisis, you know that mortgage wholesalers were routinely offering pussy in exchange for mortgage sales. Yeah, you read that right: underwrite my mortgage and I will suck your dick. So, all I’m saying is that a lot fewer dicks are getting sucked all at the same time in this country.

Talk about a recession. This is the Great Pussy Depression of 2008-2009.

And my big question is this: what is wrong with getting a little fuck and suck for a few hundred bucks or, you know, the cost of a mortgage? What is so wrong about prostitution?

In an earlier post, I pointed out that, while prostitution is illegal, porno is not. Meaning that I can pay you to have sex with me and, as long as there is a fucking cameraman in the room with us, it’s perfectly legal. Now, how does that make sense to anyone? I am considering starting a company that pretty much charges dudes a few hundred bucks to film them fucking a prostitute porn star.

And don’t give me any shit about diseases or bad self-esteem or drugs. Before you give me that bullshit, do a little fucking research. You don’t know shit about prostitutes. Click here for a decent starting point. But I’ll tell you what in case you’re too lazy to do your own research: about half of prostitutes also do something else. Maybe they work at your carwash or mind your kids all day or serve you food at your local diner or make the peanut butter you eat. Fact is, that doesn’t pay enough so they can afford the subprime mortgage that someone else, unbeknownst to them, sucked a dick to get approved. So they suck some dicks and their kids get some food on the table.

Or maybe they just like fucking for money. What’s wrong with that? Wouldn’t it be nice if you liked your job?

We all have a price. You would suck my dick if I gave you enough money. Not that you don’t all want to suck my dick for free. I’m just being hypothetical here. So don’t start thinking, “Hmmm. How much can I get from stoogepie for sucking his dick?” when you know you would have done it for free five minutes ago.

My point is that everyone has a price. You do. Maybe you’re thinking it is millions of dollars, but you are just fooling yourself. I mean, if someone who was not Dick Cheney politely said, “You know, I would pay you $100,000 for a blowjob,” would you really say no? Probably not, and I only say “probably” because you might just have so much money that $100,000 doesn’t get your juices flowing. But you get the idea.

Now, admit to yourself that you would suck off pretty much anybody — even Dick Cheney — for a million bucks. Because otherwise you are a fucking idiot. Really. And it wouldn’t traumatize you or send your self-esteem plummeting or anything. You would be like, “so, do you have any friends with a million bucks who would also like to bust a nut in my mouth?”

And now ask yourself why it is not okay for someone to do the same shit for a hundred bucks. Maybe it’s their mortgage. Maybe it’s like a million bucks to them. Or maybe they just like sucking dick.

So, look, you can do something about the Great Pussy Depression of 2008-2009. You can support the legalization of prostitution. Or you can, you know, just suck a dick for a few bucks. And maybe help me use up my stash. It will stimulate the economy and it will also stimulate the good people of this country.

Think about it.

So, if you have been scared off of Craigslist and need a place to advertise your cunt or your mouth or your ass, feel free to leave a comment with prices and such.  Or, you know, even if you’re not a pro, if you just want to let everybody know your price, that would be nice, too.

That’s all I have to say about pussy for money, at least for now.

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Holy Shit! We Did It!

It’s hard for me to be very proud of the American people.

I know, that’s harsh, but let’s face it: a lot of Americans are morons. 

You Canadians are nodding your heads right now.

In America today, 5% of voters believe they have actually, personally spoken with Satan. Seriously. Another 7% believe that Elvis is alive. A whopping 20% of American adults believe that the sun orbits around the earth. No fucking kidding.

And, really, that’s just the beginning. I could go on. We live in a genuinely stupid nation. The truly frightening part of it is that so many of these functional retards can be such mean-spirited fuckheads. I guess that makes sense. Members of lynch mobs have never made a name for themselves as the intellectual giants of the world.

Still, this country’s people can surprise you, as they did during World War II, as some did during the Civil Rights Era, and as some did again when they bought that Christmas CD that was supposed to feed starving kids somewhere or something. Or, you know, when people click on that animal rescue site.

America can make you proud. It can mobilize and do the right thing. It never wholly does the right thing but, like I said, America’s also got its fair share of despicable, dim-witted douchepuppets who have gripping conversations with Satan while keeping an eye out for the King.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is that, every now and then, this country can make you proud. Yesterday was such an occasion. Barack Obama was elected president after winning pretty much twice as many electoral votes as McCain. The popular vote wasn’t nearly as lopsided, but President-Elect Obama won soundly and will become the 44th President of the United States on January 20, 2009.

I’m choked up. Seriously. I caught a really bad cold last weekend and I haven’t been able to shake it yet. But I am also feeling very emotional. Right now, I wouldn’t want to live in any other country in the world, except maybe for very short periods lasting no longer than a few months and even then only if those nations’ police accept bribes as easily as American police.

So, what I’m saying is, thank you. Thank you, America.

This was an especially polarizing election. Now it’s time for us to come together as a nation, mend our differences, and fix what ails this country, even if it means dealing with those inbred imbeciles who live in trailer parks, watch four hours of Fox News every day, and have every reason to pray for an afterlife in Alabama and elsewhere in America’s unfinished basement.

Oh, I especially want to thank North Carolina, the only state with a compass direction in its name that Obama won. Fuck all the rest of you “South this” and “North that” states.

Also, thank you Massachusetts. You have restored my faith in states with two S’s in a row. The rest of you two S states can eat my shit.

Thank you again. Now let’s roll up our sleeves and work together because, in spite of how many loathsome fucktards there are in this country, yes, we can.

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Please Vote!

I had hoped to have some brilliant pre-election commentary ready for today but I have been very, very busy.  Hopefully, I will have some post-election coverage for you all.

Or not.  Maybe I will just write about how you, too, can find eager sex partners at your local hospice home.

In the meantime, please vote.  I did, and I live in New York, so my vote is like farting during a fucking hurricane.  And, like I said, I have been very, very busy.  You’re not too busy to vote.

So, please go vote if you haven’t already.

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