Ninja Rape Gang

Usually I have something to say about the shit that I post. This time, I don’t really have all that much to say except that I get a lot of hits owing entirely to my infrequent mentions of porn and zombies and religion. Google and Bing like those topics almost as much as Google and Bing like that story about that teenage vampire dude so thoroughly pussywhipped by an utterly uninteresting teenage girl that he has clits on his face instead of zits.

Well, I am straying from those topics this time. I am going to share with you the sad tale of the Ninja Rape Gang. Gang-raping ninjas won’t get me any fucking hits, but I have to tell this story because it is based upon a true story I made up a few weeks ago when I was so drunk that even cake couldn’t give me a hard-on. But this story did. I mean, this story plus cake.

So, without further ado, I present Ninja Rape Gang.

Oh, Happy Turkey Day if you celebrate that holiday or watch football or eat like you won Lotto: The Food Stamp Edition or whatever. This Thanksgiving, I am going to my mum’s house like I do every Thanksgiving. She will tell me to eat more and then we will sit on the couch and make small talk until I turn on the TV. And then, usually during a L’Oreal or Garnier commercial, she will see some actress and say to me, “Oh, isn’t she lovely, dear?” Because my mum is a subtle lesbian like that. And then my mum will tell me that even if I order ten wives from Russia — she just adored Chicken Kiev when that Russian restaurant was still open near Carnegie Hall — I can still be a reckless philanderer but I will have beautiful children.

So I might order a few dozen Russian brides, soon.

Also, I am working very hard, peoples, so I am not around that much. And when I am around, I am obsessed with gang-raping ninja comics. Because that’s just my way. So, I will answer all of your emails very, very soon, meaning never or maybe even a few days before then if there is no new porn on the internet.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say about the Ninja Rape Gang.

Leave a comment....

CSI: Stoogetown

So, I had a funeral for a friend to go to recently.  That’s a downer, except that when someone relatively young and well known dies there are, in general, some sweet women there and often one of them is definitely available.  Also, there is usually a pretty good story about the death itself.

But I won’t dwell on all of that.  So here is a cartoon about death.

For all you fuckers who complain that I don’t post often enough, this is 29 fucking panels. If I did a panel every single day, it would take two weeks or something. You get belated quantity, not timeliness.  But I will admit that I have missed me almost as much as you have.

That’s all I have to say about death right now.  Next up, literature or something.

Leave a comment....

Mister Shorts Number 9

So, it’s time for a Mister Shorts. But first, stoogepie’s sad tale of credit card woe.

I lost a fucking credit card a few weeks ago. Maybe I left it at a bakery in the West Village when I made a pretty goddamn large baked goods purchase. I don’t fucking know. I went back to that bakery but I didn’t even ask the baker chicks about the credit card. I just bought some more cake and left.

I called the credit card company because, yo, that is what you do when you lose your credit card. It is not like when you lose your virginity or your mind and you just say, “Well fuck me. I will never get that shit back.” And it is not like when you lose your girlfriend or your wad and you just say, “Whatev. It will take me twenty minutes to replace that.” When you lose your credit card, you have to call the credit card company and tell them your sad tale of credit card woe and answer a bunch of questions and then it’s up to them whether or not to send you a brand stinking new credit card. I had never lost a credit card before, so I was kind of nervous about this.

So, you know, I called the credit card company over in Calcutta or wherever and told them I lost my credit card, and I got a very nice plastic lady who told me that, fuck my sorry ass, it looked like someone had been using my card to make illegal purchases. She asked me when I had lost it and I said I did not know. Maybe a few weeks ago. I thought it was on my desk or at the dry cleaners or fucking an ATM machine or what the hell ever. How should I know? My credit card has a mind of its own.

So the very nice plastic lady said, well, it looks like there is some suspicious charge activity, so let’s go back a month or so. And she said, “There is a charge for a website, it looks like some kind of adult website.” And I asked which site. And she told me and I said, “yeah, that’s the one with the ass smoothies that Ken turned me on to a while back. Nah, that was me.” See, I have that credit card in AutoFill in my Google Toolbar, so I just click to use it. I don’t need actual plastic at all. I might have lost the card by then, but who the fuck knows?

Anyways, the nice plastic lady goes through like fifteen more porn purchases and a few cake purchases until we got to that last live purchase at the bakery, and then just more online porn. And at the end of the call, the lady actually asks me, “Do you work in the pornography industry or something? That is a lot of porn.” And I said, yeah, I am a porno dude. If she watches porn, she might even recognize my dick. It’s the veiny reddish one that tilts up and to the right at the head. And then she just said my new card will arrive in a couple of days and hung up on me.

I got the card and promised myself that, this time, my signature on the back would not look like I took ten meth tabs, then dug my eyes out with a spoon, and then signed with my left hand while jerking off with my right. But that did not happen.

I won’t even tell you about how both graphics cards in my computer failed last week because that is even more fucking boring than my tale of credit card woe. But I will say this: good day, graphics cards! I said, good day!

That’s all I have to say about woe is me and all that shit. Next time, I will have a comic so badass you will not even get past the first fucking panel before you rub one off.

Leave a comment....

Stoogepiety: The Stoogepie Story

I have been gone a long time, I know. When it is a very long time between posts, people write me emails.  Which I ignore.

If you wrote me an email, it might have had a subject something like this: “It has been a long time since you posted.”  I did not respond.  Here is my response:  Oh, fucking really?

But I also get some emails that ask other things.  I recently received an email in which a reader made an astute observation. She or he noted that there is not a lot of personal information about me on my blog. Unlike other blogs — which can be very personal — I mostly write about the bible and Teenslut Slumber Party Zombie Massacres, and I write books for children. While the email noted this fact without actually complaining about the content on this blog, it then went on to quiz me about my personal life and who I really am.

So, rather than answering that email — which I did not do — I will give you a sneak peek into my personal life without either filtering or embellishing things as they actually, truly happened. What you are about to read is 100% factually accurate down to the finest detail.

I hope you are somewhat enlightened now and know more about me.  You can read my earlier post called Stoogepiety: In The Beginning if you must know more.

So, yeah, after all that time without posting, I didn’t have anything ready so I just threw some shit together.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say about my big dick for right now, but you can be sure it will come up again.

Ha ha.

Leave a comment....

Great Stories of the Bible 3

It’s time for another inspiring episode of Great Stories of the Bible, and this one is a totally epic double header! You will be so fucking religious by the time you finish reading this that you just might want to cut off your own dick. Unless you’re a woman. If you’re a woman, you might feel so religious that you want to grow a dick. Because, as you will see throughout the bible (and as you saw in Great Stories of the Bible 1 and Great Stories of the Bible 2 in particular) God loves nicely cut dicks and sort of hates women.

Most of you have already heard of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s a touching and rousing story of two of the most pious men ever to walk the earth: Abraham and his nephew, Lot. I invite you to read this story and try to walk in the mighty shoes of these noble men that God finds so righteous.

You might notice that one of the scenes here is a lot like the story in Great Stories of the Bible 1. That might seem a little crazy since the scene seems wildly fucking unlikely to repeat itself. Yeah. God plagiarizes his own shit a lot. But he can do that. He’s God.

Anyways, here is the brand stinking new Great Stories of the Bible Double Feature. Enjoy or whatever.

Yo, that had to be safe for work, right? I mean, it’s straight from the fucking bible.

Okay, so that’s all I have to say about the bible right now. Go make God a sandwich.

Leave a comment....