Mister Shorts Number 9

So, it’s time for a Mister Shorts. But first, stoogepie’s sad tale of credit card woe.

I lost a fucking credit card a few weeks ago. Maybe I left it at a bakery in the West Village when I made a pretty goddamn large baked goods purchase. I don’t fucking know. I went back to that bakery but I didn’t even ask the baker chicks about the credit card. I just bought some more cake and left.

I called the credit card company because, yo, that is what you do when you lose your credit card. It is not like when you lose your virginity or your mind and you just say, “Well fuck me. I will never get that shit back.” And it is not like when you lose your girlfriend or your wad and you just say, “Whatev. It will take me twenty minutes to replace that.” When you lose your credit card, you have to call the credit card company and tell them your sad tale of credit card woe and answer a bunch of questions and then it’s up to them whether or not to send you a brand stinking new credit card. I had never lost a credit card before, so I was kind of nervous about this.

So, you know, I called the credit card company over in Calcutta or wherever and told them I lost my credit card, and I got a very nice plastic lady who told me that, fuck my sorry ass, it looked like someone had been using my card to make illegal purchases. She asked me when I had lost it and I said I did not know. Maybe a few weeks ago. I thought it was on my desk or at the dry cleaners or fucking an ATM machine or what the hell ever. How should I know? My credit card has a mind of its own.

So the very nice plastic lady said, well, it looks like there is some suspicious charge activity, so let’s go back a month or so. And she said, “There is a charge for a website, it looks like some kind of adult website.” And I asked which site. And she told me and I said, “yeah, that’s the one with the ass smoothies that Ken turned me on to a while back. Nah, that was me.” See, I have that credit card in AutoFill in my Google Toolbar, so I just click to use it. I don’t need actual plastic at all. I might have lost the card by then, but who the fuck knows?

Anyways, the nice plastic lady goes through like fifteen more porn purchases and a few cake purchases until we got to that last live purchase at the bakery, and then just more online porn. And at the end of the call, the lady actually asks me, “Do you work in the pornography industry or something? That is a lot of porn.” And I said, yeah, I am a porno dude. If she watches porn, she might even recognize my dick. It’s the veiny reddish one that tilts up and to the right at the head. And then she just said my new card will arrive in a couple of days and hung up on me.

I got the card and promised myself that, this time, my signature on the back would not look like I took ten meth tabs, then dug my eyes out with a spoon, and then signed with my left hand while jerking off with my right. But that did not happen.

I won’t even tell you about how both graphics cards in my computer failed last week because that is even more fucking boring than my tale of credit card woe. But I will say this: good day, graphics cards! I said, good day!

That’s all I have to say about woe is me and all that shit. Next time, I will have a comic so badass you will not even get past the first fucking panel before you rub one off.

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Stoogepiety: The Stoogepie Story

I have been gone a long time, I know. When it is a very long time between posts, people write me emails.  Which I ignore.

If you wrote me an email, it might have had a subject something like this: “It has been a long time since you posted.”  I did not respond.  Here is my response:  Oh, fucking really?

But I also get some emails that ask other things.  I recently received an email in which a reader made an astute observation. She or he noted that there is not a lot of personal information about me on my blog. Unlike other blogs — which can be very personal — I mostly write about the bible and Teenslut Slumber Party Zombie Massacres, and I write books for children. While the email noted this fact without actually complaining about the content on this blog, it then went on to quiz me about my personal life and who I really am.

So, rather than answering that email — which I did not do — I will give you a sneak peek into my personal life without either filtering or embellishing things as they actually, truly happened. What you are about to read is 100% factually accurate down to the finest detail.

I hope you are somewhat enlightened now and know more about me.  You can read my earlier post called Stoogepiety: In The Beginning if you must know more.

So, yeah, after all that time without posting, I didn’t have anything ready so I just threw some shit together.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say about my big dick for right now, but you can be sure it will come up again.

Ha ha.

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Great Stories of the Bible 3

It’s time for another inspiring episode of Great Stories of the Bible, and this one is a totally epic double header! You will be so fucking religious by the time you finish reading this that you just might want to cut off your own dick. Unless you’re a woman. If you’re a woman, you might feel so religious that you want to grow a dick. Because, as you will see throughout the bible (and as you saw in Great Stories of the Bible 1 and Great Stories of the Bible 2 in particular) God loves nicely cut dicks and sort of hates women.

Most of you have already heard of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s a touching and rousing story of two of the most pious men ever to walk the earth: Abraham and his nephew, Lot. I invite you to read this story and try to walk in the mighty shoes of these noble men that God finds so righteous.

You might notice that one of the scenes here is a lot like the story in Great Stories of the Bible 1. That might seem a little crazy since the scene seems wildly fucking unlikely to repeat itself. Yeah. God plagiarizes his own shit a lot. But he can do that. He’s God.

Anyways, here is the brand stinking new Great Stories of the Bible Double Feature. Enjoy or whatever.

Yo, that had to be safe for work, right? I mean, it’s straight from the fucking bible.

Okay, so that’s all I have to say about the bible right now. Go make God a sandwich.

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Waterboarding Camp

You don’t have to look too far around the blogosphere to find people who love torture. According to some, torture is just awesome. Pretty much, conservatives love torture and liberals hate it. This difference of opinion baffled me for a while. I mean, conservatives believe that the government needs to be greatly limited and that government is full of corrupt, self-serving politicians as evidenced by the more than 11,000 pork barrel projects. The government we installed in Iraq is corrupt. The government we installed in Afghanistan is corrupt. Meanwhile, here at home, corruption is so widespread it can’t even be calculated: in Illinois alone, the cost of government corruption to taxpayers is estimated at $500 million a year. I mean, the government can’t even order the president a goddamn helicopter without fucking it up.

That’s why so many conservatives are so dead set against nationalized healthcare. Yeah, it’s true that here in the US we spend more than twice as much as other industrialized nations and yet we suck ass compared to them when you look at major health indicators like life expectancy, infant mortality, and immunization rates. But the mega-corporations now providing us with insurance and medications who care so very much about our well-being are making healthy profits. I mean, consider the fact that former UnitedHealth CEO William McGuire got $1.4 billion in stock options while the company made $30 billion in after-tax profits and spent $32 billion in insurance underwriting and marketing costs. Healthy! Oh, and, by the way, you have a preexisting condition so your claim has been denied. Sorry. Please pay the 87% increase in your premiums over the last six years, though, or you’ll be among the uninsured in less time than it takes to say, “not covered: elective,” loser. Do you know why we didn’t have a bigger outbreak of swine flu? Because we couldn’t afford it. Yeah, it’s true that Obama’s plan would merely be competitive with existing plans, so your health coverage would not change. It’s also true that businesses would benefit because they would no longer have to pay high insurance premiums or carry the administrative overhead for employees that opted into the single-payer program. But still, government is bad! And politicians cannot be trusted!

That’s why I’m kind of surprised by the conservative reaction to torture. I mean, if you don’t trust the government to pay for your fucking prescription, how can you trust it to secretly subject people to torture? I mean, okay, the government has awesome power all the time, but why would you give a government you don’t trust tyrannical power?

I think that, for moral guidance, conservatives often ask themselves what Jesus would do. Regarding torture, many apparently already have. And it turns out that Jesus loves torture! According to a poll taken by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life, 62 percent of white evangelical Protestants believe that “the use of torture against suspected terrorists to gain important information” is often or sometimes justified. Only sixteen percent of that group believed that torture is never justified. That number was lower than any other group polled. There was also just as strong a correlation between regular church attendance and support for torture. A similar poll last year offered pretty similar results, finding that 57 percent of white Southern evangelicals believed that torture was often or sometimes justified. Other polls give similar results. And note that the Pew Forum didn’t ask about “Harsh Interrogation Techniques” or any other euphemism for torture. It asked about plain old “torture.” So, Jesus is all over torture. Jesus hearts torture!

But, still, while this explains that some Jesus-loving people love torture, it doesn’t explain why. Then I saw a survey of the best and worst things liberals and conservatives could imagine. It explains a lot.

Source: Frank G. Musket & Harvey H. Temple, The Douchebaggery of the Masses: Political America from Ignoramississippi to Dumbfucklahoma, 122 Harv. L. Rev. 1191, 1207 (2009).

Many who are in favor of waterboarding argue that it works. But, really, who gives a shit whether it works or not? I mean, it’s not torture, right? Listen, the so-called “torture” memos released by Obama give all the US law that matters. They all agree about the definition of torture. The most important US law, 18 USCA §§ 2340-2340A, defines torture as an act that inflicts “severe physical or mental pain or suffering.” Another important US law, 28 USCA § 1350, also discussed in the memos, governs civil suits for torture and its definition is pretty identical: “severe pain or suffering ... whether physical or mental….” That’s a fine definition of torture in my book.

The memos go on to find that waterboarding “inflicts no pain or actual harm whatsoever.” And, since it’s a “controlled acute episode,” it can’t be said to cause any suffering either. In addition, though “waterboarding constitutes a threat of imminent death,” it causes no “prolonged mental harm.” That’s all from the “Interrogation of al Qaeda Operative” torture memo of August 1, 2002, written by Jay Bybee, by the way. But all the other memos agree.

So, waterboarding is kind of like riding a roller coaster or something: no physical or mental pain or suffering whatsoever. Just thrills and chills. That’s why it’s not torture and that’s what makes it so awesome. Okay, when the CIA tried waterboarding on their own operatives, the operatives lasted only an average of fourteen seconds. And conservative shockjock Erich Muller only lasted six seconds and afterward he said it was “absolutely torture.” But we all know how sensitive these rightwing radio dudes can be. I mean, the memos — written by lawyers — tell us it’s not even painful! And since when do any of us, conservative or liberal, have any reason to not trust lawyers? It must be as they say, a kind of awesome amusement park ride where you feel panic during it but afterward you laugh and laugh. In fact, I’m sort of surprised that we don’t have detainees begging us to waterboard them. At the very least, if we just explained to the detainees how much fun waterboarding is, we could probably get their consent to waterboard them and then none of this would be an issue.

Jay Bybee, who wrote that waterboarding “inflicts no pain or actual harm whatsoever,” was then Assistant Attorney General under Bush but he is now a federal judge on the US Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, one step below the Supreme Court. That means that, in Arizona, California, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, Oregon, and Washington State, waterboarding is perfectly legal as long as Jay Bybee is your judge. It’s also legal in Hawaii, Guam, and the Northern Mariana Islands, wherever the fuck that is. Oh, and Alaska, too, but you already knew torture was legal there.

And here is the truly awesome thing: I looked up the definition of child abuse in California. And child abuse occurs when someone “causes or permits any child to suffer, or inflicts thereon, unjustifiable physical pain or mental suffering” according to California Penal Code 11165.3. So, instead of “severe,” child abuse is “unjustifiable” physical pain or mental suffering. But that doesn’t matter because, according to the Jay Bybee memo, waterboarding “inflicts no pain or actual harm whatsoever!” So, you don’t even need to justify waterboarding your kids! In fact, waterboarding is more appealing than spanking as a way to discipline your children. After all, spanking hurts! Even Bybee agrees: he writes that a facial slap “may hurt.” But waterboarding doesn’t hurt at all! No pain and no suffering!

So, I was thinking about this, and about how conservatives and Jesus are all loving torture almost but not quite to death (usually), and I decided that there is a money-making opportunity here. So I’m going to open a summer camp for kids in California. Judge Bybee’s got my back and it looks like Obama won’t prosecute anybody for any of this shit, either. Here is the brochure for stoogepie’s Waterboarding Camp. Please pass it along. And don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Sign your kids up today.

Or you can just click on this link to download the brochure. Hurry. Water won’t be around forever.

That’s all I have to say about torture for right now.

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StoogeNotes: Nabokov’s Lolita

I like to think that my posts are, in general, edumacational. I treat you to factoids you will likely not read anywhere else. Like, for instance, every second of every minute of every hour of every day, over 23,000 people in China take a shit. You won’t read that anywhere else and do you know why? Because I did the math myself.

Still, I suppose that most of what I write is soul-robbing mind candy. However, every now and then I like to make a real effort to inject some culture into the blogosphere with a look at fine literature or poetry. So, it’s time for another StoogeNotes™.

You’ll recall from last time that, because I am a Major Celebrity, I post StoogeNotes™ as a public service to give something back to you little, tiny, insignificant people who line up to give me blowjobs. StoogeNotes™ are ultra-condensed versions of classic literature. These summaries are more than enough to make you look really well-read at a dinner party or to get you through a class discussion. If you are creative, you can even use them to get through an exam or an essay. Meanwhile, unlike the actual stories, they leave out all the boring parts and take no time to read.

As before, remember that I have not read these stories in a while and I haven’t been sober in a longer while, so there may be insignificant minutiae missing or inconsequential mistakes in the details. But all the meaningful, thought-provoking, significant shit is here exactly as it was in the original story.

Today’s StoogeNotes™ selection is Nabokov’s Lolita.

Summary:

Questions your professor might ask: Do you know of any underage girls having sex with older dudes? Do you have their contact info?

Trivia to impress your professor, especially if she is a hot teaching assistant: Although Lolita sold very well, Nabakov could not get the prequels—Lolita versus the Rape Gang and Lolita in Prison—published. In Nabokov’s short story “Fuck Kitten,” a dumpy fortyish-year-old dude meets a fourteen-year-old girl in a chat room. The fortyish dude later discovers, however, that the fourteen-year-old is actually an Irish Setter. Upon being found out, the Irish Setter eats the dude and later poses as him in a chat room. Many consider this a precursor to Nabokov’s Lolita. This short story was later adapted into the movie, Must Love Dogs.

Seriously, if you have a final exam or something on Lolita and it’s an open book exam, you can just print out the StoogeNotes™ and you don’t even need to take the fucking book with you.

That’s all I have to say about StoogeNotes™ for now except that, if you were turned off by all the talk about banging twelve-year-olds, fuck you. This is classic literature here and it also happens to be scorchingly hot.

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