Great Stories of the Bible 2

This Great Bible Story is a lot different from Great Stories of the Bible 1. But I still think it’s a pretty great bible story

See, that last bible story was a good story for the whole family, but might have been more interesting to adults. But this Great Bible Story is one the kids can enjoy in particular.

You’ve all heard of David & Goliath. David kills this giant and saves the day. But what you might not know is the story right after that whole David and Goliath episode in the bible. It’s a magical story with kings and princesses and royal intrigue.

So, if you thought all these bible stories were going to be adult-oriented just because the bible is full of smut and pornography, you were wrong. Share this story with the little ones.

See! I told you! It’s like a fairy tale! And like all the happiest fairy tales, it ends with David marrying the princess. Teach your kids: never, ever underestimate the value of dickmeat!

I’m working on another fairy tale of sorts, too. I’ll have news about that in a few days if I can get off my ass and finish it. But for right now, that’s all I have to say about that.

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Mister Shorts Number 8

I haven’t done a Mister Shorts in a while. There’s really no reason for that because I really like Mister Shorts. So, as February bids us farewell, here is a Mister Shorts.

I’m headed to another funeral today. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be glad to see funeral season draw to a close. I think I look good in black and all, but funerals for old people are not a good place to meet women unless you are seriously interested in granny fucking. Which I am only somewhat interested in.

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Stoogepie Bank: Open for Business

When I was just a wee stoogepie, my daddy used to say, “Son, every great crisis presents a great opportunity.” Then he would create a crisis of some kind.

So, I have given a lot of thought to this whole global financial crisis. Where is the great opportunity?

Yeah, the financial crisis gave the nation as a whole the balls to elect a black president, and that’s something to be proud of. And it may yet give the nation the hair on those balls to institute a truly massive national stimulus that, while it would be nearly impossible to beat Roosevelt’s New Deal, could come close. Trillions of dollars may go toward making this nation’s middle class prosper and once again control America’s vast wealth. We’ll have to wait and see on that one. The stimulus package already approved by Congress is only a drop in the bucket, though. It doesn’t even yet include a bailout of banks.

All this is fine. But meanwhile, I have been asking myself, how can I, stoogepie, make billions off of this world economic crisis?

American Express provided the answer. See, in November, American Express, which is a credit card company and not a bank, decided that it would declare itself a bank. It did. Then it applied for and received $3.39 billion in bailout money. The CIT Group, a commercial lender that offers no traditional bank services and no consumer services, did the same thing. It declared itself a bank and then got $2.33 billion in bailout money. Both companies became banks just to take advantage of the bailout.

And so it occurred to me, why not open a bank? I mean, the final bill for bailing out America’s banks is very likely to be a couple of trillion bucks. I want some of that. Don’t you want some of that?

So, welcome to stoogepie Bank. You can view the mockup of the full stoogepie Bank website here. None of it works yet and, hopefully, the bank will be belly up before I ever finish designing the website.

Here is how it works: you send stoogepie Bank your money and I lose it all making incredibly bad investments, just like a real financial mogul. I will even make shoddy investments such as lending your money back to you so that you can buy houses and fancy shoes. Need a student loan or a credit card? Well, stoogepie Bank will give you both. And, instead of asking you to pay back your loans with money, stoogepie Bank will accept sex. Until the bailout money comes. Then we’ll all head to our own luxury retreat.

See, it’s incredibly easy to start a bank. Here in New York, for instance, all you need is $7-10 million in start-up capital. Then you pay a $12,500 fee and you have a bank. Okay, you also need to fill out a 54-page application, but most of that application is composed of instructions, like a for-dummies guide to opening a bank. In California, it’s more complicated to figure out the fees because you have to pay an assessment of your bank’s total assets and, to start a bank, you must have a minimum of $6-10 million in start-up capital. With $10 million, your fee for starting a bank would be $14,417 this year. You pay that and fill out a one-page form, and you’ve got yourself a bank! All of a sudden, you are eligible for bailout money!

Now, I don’t know about you, but I want some bailout money. See, I’m all for helping out people in need, but I kind of have a problem with helping out people who are just stoopid or dishonest. Like the bankers who lost all that money and then got massive bonuses with the bailout money. Or the many people who lied on mortgage applications they knew they could never afford. Let’s face it: not only the lenders and appraisers and mortgage brokers were dishonest. Borrowers frequently lied on their applications, too. In fact, according to one survey, as many as 70% of the people defaulting on their mortgages lied on their mortgage applications, many lying about their income by multiplying it by as much five and others forging documents using their computers.

But more and more, I wonder whether I am just the fool. Were all those cheats the smart ones? While I was busy just going to work every day and putting off buying a brand new stoogepen until the market softened, they were getting cheap loans and big bonuses and riding the wave of plenty. And, now, when the bailout comes, I wind up with fucking diddly. They all get bailed out, and I get passed by.

Well, no fucking way! Give me my fucking share of the bailout money. They are giving away trillions! Trillions!

And, since I know that people who read my blog are uncommonly responsible and honest, none of you are probably getting shit out of this bailout, either. So, put all your money in stoogepie Bank! Get StoogeBling® and borrow your money and more back! Then, when I get a fat check from the bailout, I’ll send you your share.

I did my taxes recently. They are not finished yet but I owe a bundle of money again, in part because 2008 was not all that bad a year for me in spite of all the doom and gloom. But some of my tax money is going to wind up in irresponsible people’s pockets. Oh, sure, some of it will go to people who lost their jobs for no reason at all and some will go to people who are losing their homes although they did everything responsible and sensibly. A lot of it is going to the good, honest, hardworking people of this country I admire so much because I am nothing like them and wonder sometimes whether they even exist.

But none of my tax money is coming back to me.

Well, that’s fucking bullshit.

So, please, send me your money. I promise that I can be wildly irresponsible and I will lose much, much more money than you send me. And then, when I get my $25 billion like Wells Fargo got, we can all split it. Well, maybe like Wells Fargo, I will buy up another bank with about half of that money to get myself a tax break.

We’ll split what’s left over after I buy a bank. Don’t get fucking greedy.

Of course, I will have to be compensated as president of the bank. Unfortunately, thanks to Obama, I won’t be able to get the kind of pay that Goldman Sachs executives got with their bailout money. Before Obama took office, as part of the Bush bailout, the top five executives at Goldman Sachs were paid $242 million altogether for their fine work bankrupting the company so it needed to be bailed out. Now, under Obama, I will only be able to get up to $500,000 per year plus stock options that can only be used after the bailout money is paid back. Since I never intend to pay my bailout money back, that means I can only make half a mil. That’s practically fucking charity, people, because I will lose money better and faster than any of those fucktards at Goldman Sachs or Citicorp or AIG or Capital One did.

There is the small chance that the US will nationalize all the banks, and that would completely destroy my plan to get bailout money. But Obama has tried to dispel those nationalization rumors—without actually ruling that option entirely out—by citing his administration’s preference for a sound privately owned banking system. Yeah, I want that, too. As long as I get some fucking bailout money. Now, give me my fucking money.

Anyways, all I’m saying is, send stoogepie Bank all your money. I will invest it unwisely and lose it all. I promise! I will lend it back to you to buy whatever the fuck you want with nothing but your lies and promises as collateral. And you can pay your loans back with blowjobs and rimjobs until the bailout money comes. And then you’ll get your share.

So, anyway, aside from my announcement of stoogepie Bank, I do need to tell you all that there have been not one but two deaths in the stoogepie family in the past week, including my grandma. So, that pretty much leaves just me and mum still alive in the United States. When people die, they leave a lot of baggage behind that has to be taken care of, including funeral arrangements and will readings and unpaid taxes and such that I now have the pleasure of keeping on top of, so I may appear even more out of touch than usual for the next week or so. But I’m fine, as usual.

So that I could deliver the sermons, stoogepie became an ordained minister at the Universal Life Church Monastery, which claims to have ordained over twenty million people since 1959. You can become an ordained minister online, too! It takes ten minutes! Then you can order your Ministry-in-a-Box like I did so you, too, can buy your friends and family members a ticket to Marble City in your own personal style.

For the low additional price of $29.99, you can also receive the honorary degree Doctor of Divinity or Doctor of Metaphysics. And for only $11.99 per title, you can be proclaimed a saint or even be proclaimed the pope. I paid for a lot of these, so please call me Dr. Saint Stoogepie from now on. I don’t want to be pope. I don’t do headgear.

That’s all I have to say about that. But don’t forget to send me all your money.

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Happy Biochemical Reaction Day

So, it’s Valentine’s Day as I write this. Or, more precisely, Saint Valentine’s Day.

Yeah, that’s right. This is a religious holiday.

Yep, this is a religious holiday, even though nobody knows who the fuck Saint Valentine was. In fact, there were numerous saints named “Valentine” and we don’t know shit about any of them. In 496 AD, when Pope Gelasius I first established the feast of Saint Valentine, he said that nobody knew one fucking thing about the dude. If the fucking pope didn’t know shit about a saint 1,500 years ago, you can be pretty sure that we are not in better shape today. Usually, all we know about saints are the lies told a couple of hundred years or so after they died.

I know that a lot of you say, “Whatev. Valentine’s Day ain’t no fucking religious holiday. It is all about just telling someone you love that you love them. What’s wrong with that?”

There’s nothing wrong with that. And all that Valentine’s Day stands for supports that very sentiment. Valentine’s Day may, for that very reason, be the most perfect holiday ever.

See, on President’s Day we get a fucking day off and we don’t do shit. What has being on vacation got to do with any president except George W. Bush? And on Christmas we exchange gifts and decorate trees that we chop down so that they can die in our living rooms. What has that got to do with Jesus or even with zombies in general? And on Thanksgiving we eat like disgusting fucking pigs and then nap and watch football all day. What has that got to do with being American? Okay, never mind that last one.

But on Valentine’s Day, we do lots of things that symbolize modern love. We exchange cards, which are mass-produced emotions we are supposed to feel. We go out to expensive restaurants that we can’t actually afford to eat at everyday, to get food and service we wish our spouses would provide for us. We exchange huge candy assortments knowing that we will only like maybe three or four of the fifty candy pieces, but we will suffer and eat the other 47 nasty candies because, well, they’re there. We give flowers that we will watch wither and die as they struggle to live and reproduce before death takes them and they are forgotten forever. What could better symbolize modern love and marriage than these things, and paying twice as much for them as at any other time of the year?

The things we do on Valentine’s Day are perfectly symbolic. Valentine’s Day is the most symbolically honest holiday ever!

I know that, in a country in which, by all accounts, the divorce rate for all marriages is close to fifty percent, it may be hard to get behind this whole Valentine’s Day thing. Maybe you even have a hard time getting your head wrapped around the whole idea of love.

But don’t let divorce rates hinder your appreciation of love. Divorce is complicated and really shouldn’t be used as a gauge. For instance, divorce is higher among conservative and born-again Christians than among any other group, including atheists and agnostics. And divorce is highest in Bible Belt states, with Florida number one in the nation followed closely by Texas. God is love? I don’t think so.

But here is the thing. You can excuse the bible thumpers for not knowing what love is. After all, Adam and Eve never fell in love. They just got stuck with one another. Maybe they spent their days fucking when God was not walking around the Garden of Eden naked talking to himself, but love is never mentioned in Genesis.

So the Christians have an excuse. You atheists, who are not stoopid, believe in evolution. You believe that humans, like other animals, have evolved with an optimal strategy for reproduction. Love has nothing to do with it and, in fact, to the extent love exists at all, it is biochemical.

Human behavior dictates that monogamy is social and not genetic. After all, the divorce rates aside, 50-60% of men and 45-55% of women have extramarital affairs. But, to the extent that we feel an attraction to another person, those of you who believe in evolution know this must be a biochemical response to an evolutionary need to reproduce. The same way you feel hunger and cravings rather than actually feeling the emptiness of your stomach or the need for particular nutrients, you feel love because you need to bust a nut. The same way you feel fear rather than actually hearing your blood pumping more quickly through your veins or adrenaline thrusting itself into your bloodstream, you feel love when you want to fuck. In fact, love feels a lot like hunger and fear.

And, of course, we know from history that humans were not monogamous. At the very least, they were polygynous, with one man having as many wives as he could afford. I’m sure those dudes loved each and every one of them, too.

That’s why women are so into wealthy men. Oh, I know you hate when people say shit like that. Well, I didn’t put Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire on TV. Also, when was the last time you dated a homeless dude? What, you’ve never dated a homeless dude? Isn’t that interesting? If love was truly blind, every now and then a woman would fall for someone entirely beneath them in social status. But that’s a real rarity, as it turns out.

Study after study confirms a few things. First, women look for signs of wealth in men as a first determinant of attractiveness. Men look for physical beauty first and, as a result, prefer younger women. Women are not so picky when it comes to age: status is key to them.

That’s what love is all about.

So, to all you lovers out there, happy biochemical reaction to environmental stimuli that maximizes your chances for reproduction and optimizes species survivability and adaptability! Or, put another way, Happy Saint Valentine’s Day!

Actually, I’m posting this so late that it won’t be Saint Valentine’s Day anymore by the time you read this.

But Valentine’s Day also happens to be stoogepie’s birthday. So happy fucking birthday to me.

That’s all I have to say about that.

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Happy Black History Month

February is Black History Month, and I am kind of disappointed about how few bloggers have written anything about Black History. I think that’s because most of us aren’t black and maybe a lot of us think, “If I do a funny post about Black History, it will come out sounding all racist and supremacist and shit.”

Yeah, maybe. But that’s what stoogepie is here for.

So, I looked up some stuff thinking, “Maybe I will do a post on Black History.”

But history is Boring with a capital fucking B. And I have BDD. Boring Deficit Disorder.

So this is pretty much all I have been able to come up with.

History does not interest me all that much. Even Black History, which is honestly a lot more exciting than White History.

White history does not even get its own month. American Black History is more exciting because a lot of it involves slavery. So, let’s talk a little about slavery because slavery gives me a hard-on.

Black slaves were not the first slaves. In ancient Greece and ancient Rome and all over the fucking place throughout history there were slaves. In fact, the bible is full of slavery because slavery gave God a hard-on, too. Whenever you read the word “manservant” or “maidservant” or plain old “servant” in the Christian bible, they are talking about slaves. Since slavery is kind of out of style nowadays, translations of the bible try to disguise it, like in that passage in Exodus where they tell you that it’s okay to beat slaves to death as long as they live a day or two after the beating because, after all, they are your property. Yeah, “servant” means “slave.” “Money” means “property.” Now those are family values you can whack off to!

The rule was that whenever you had a war, the winners could enslave all the losers. That was a sweet rule! That’s what we should have done in the South after we won the Civil War.

Let’s face it, as long as you’re not the slave, slavery is a good deal. In fact, it fucking rocks!

But, in modern times, with slavery being officially illegal, modern slaves don’t have much to hope for in terms of relief. See, here in the North we have always had slavery, too. The only difference is that skin color doesn’t define who is free and who isn’t. And modern slaves haven’t got a prayer. No civil war will free them. There will be no civil disobedience.

You know who I’m talking about. The poor people who can’t afford to quit the jobs or careers they hate. The sad stooges who live from paycheck to paycheck, paying off their student loans until they don’t even remember what school they went to anymore. They ride the modern underground railroad here in New York City every day, but it doesn’t make them free. There is no ride to freedom for them.

And here is the paradox: those people think they are free. You know how Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus? Well, I recently flew to Los Angeles. Up in the front of the plane sit people who have a greater level of freedom. They get free booze before the flight takes off, a flight attendant takes their coats, they have lots more room, and they have a segregated bathroom. But if you sit up there with a coach ticket, you will just as surely get arrested as Rosa Parks did. Where are the boycotts?

If you have money, you can belong to clubs and live in neighborhoods that poor people simply can’t. A recent study by the Center for an Urban Future found that New York City is now so expensive that its middle class earns six figures. In order to buy an apartment in Manhattan, you need to earn at least $250,000 per year. Everybody else is fleeing the city or living on its outskirts from one paycheck to the next. Is that freedom?

At concerts here in NYC, the priciest tickets come with their own entrance. So there is one entrance for poor folks and another for the wealthy. Remind you of anything?

Recently I discovered that a prominent hospital here in NYC has devoted its top floor to the wealthy. That floor has spacious suites with great amenities, round-the-clock room service, and no pesky, ill, poor folks hanging around. Pretty excellent, unless you’re the unfortunate jerk waiting in a clogged hall for a room on one of the poor floors.

There are laws against things like sexual harassment in the workplace, but think about what that means. The government recognizes that you might need a job so badly that you would endure all sorts of harassment to keep it. So, instead of making it so that people can afford to tell their bosses to shove their abusive behavior up their asses, the government tells the bosses that certain kinds of harassment are illegal but certain other types are perfectly fine. And that’s without even mentioning just how boring and demeaning and stifling many jobs can be. And the slaves don’t do shit about it. Boycott anyone? Civil disobedience? Riot?

Why do people put up with this shit? It’s the myth of the American Dream. Poor Americans actually believe that they too can one day make millions of dollars a year. Maybe they will win the lottery. Aside from that, I really have no fucking idea how they think it’s going to happen. Yeah, maybe you will be Bill Gates and become a billionaire even though you are born to a modest family. Oh, yeah, that’s right. The Gates family was pretty well off. Bill’s father was a prominent lawyer, his mother was on several boards of directors including an international bank and the United Way, and his grandfather was a bank president. And, yeah, he got 1590 out of 1600 on the SATs and went to Harvard, then started Microsoft with one of his Harvard classmates. But that sounds like a lot of poor people’s backgrounds, right?

The American Dream is just that, for most people. Yes, every now and then a person who isn’t born privileged strikes it rich. But that is about as rare and lucky as winning the lottery. The key to keeping this system of slavery alive is to make people believe it can happen to them.

Stoogepie knows from personal experience that the best way to enslave someone is to pay them a little more money than they can make elsewhere until they get used to making that much money. That’s right. Overpay them just a little. Then you can do anything to them, especially if you pay for that, too.

This brings us to the next paradox. See, when you think about all those executives on Wall Street who are paid millions of dollars to lose billions of dollars, those people are slaves, too. They know that no sane company would pay them so much money to do such a shitty job. This is the era of enslavement at both ends of the spectrum.

Yes, it’s true that the bonuses and perks given last year to 600 of the bank executives whose banks asked for bailout money would pay for the bailout of 53 of the 116 banks that have so far taken our bailout money. But, for that money, we get slaves. Overpaid, incompetent slaves who can afford to live anywhere and do anything they want. Also, think about this: if we continue to overpay those executives at those banks, we keep them from leaving, moving into another industry, and fucking that industry up like they did with the financial industry. That’s worth a few billion dollars all by itself.

My point is…. Wait, were we talking about black people? Oh. Well, almost none of those bank executives getting all those bonuses and perks are black.

So, yeah, my point is, black people were slaves when it still always sucked to be a slave. And for that, we owe them. I say, give black people all the southern states like we should have done right after the Civil War. Except that tumor on the ass of the United States we call Florida, which we should simply use to test nuclear missiles.

And let’s all of us aim to be the banker slaves rather than the paycheck-to-paycheck slaves. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, especially if you paycheck-to-paycheck types are going to send the bankers your tax dollars to keep them so lavishly enslaved.

That’s all I have to say about that. Happy Black History month. I hope you learn something useful.

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