Stoogepiety: In The Beginning

There is a Christian in Texas who says that doomsday begins tomorrow, on June 12th.  Set your clocks.  (Just in case that link goes dead due to armageddon, check out this link.)

This got me thinking.  Suppose this dude is right and the beginning of the end is tomorrow?  Would all of you Christians who scoffed at this dude and ignored him and ridiculed him join me poolside in hell?

My bigger question is: why are you Christians so confident that faith leads to anything other than rich televangelists and an ever-growing list of Christian evangelical scandals?

Hey, Jesus was a Jew, right?  And all the most devout Jews around him did not believe he was the messiah.  And don’t tell me that they were doing something wrong.  Jane and Joe Israelite were doing their best, following what we now call the Old Testament, and — just like you — listening to the spiritual guidance of someone who said he had all the answers but who was also always worried about some Expensive Religious Emergency that needed to be paid for before next week’s episode.

And, fuck, even Jesus’s own brothers and sisters did not believe him!  I mean, the three stooges wise men had recognized him on sight, but thirty long goddamn years later after living with Him and who knows how many fucking miracles and mom and dad talking about the virgin birth and King Herod and frankincense and myrrh, his own fucking brothers and sisters were unconvinced!  That had to hurt.

So what makes Christians today think that they will recognize the new messiah when he or she strolls along the next time?  The most devout Jews didn’t recognize him the first time.  Only a handful of people paid any attention at all.  And, I mean, this is a dude who created an army of zombies and was a zombie himself!

Let me change gears here for a moment because I am going somewhere with this.  Like I said, this prophesy about the world ending tomorrow got me thinking, so I decided I would pick up my bible and look it over again.

Anyway, I was reading my bible while waiting for the train today on my way to work when this woman — not a hot woman — who was sitting next to me on the subway platform wants to talk about the bible.

I’m paraphrasing, but that really is pretty much how the conversation went.

All that I’m saying is this: I know that all you supposedly righteous Christians will scoff when my Stoogepiety™ ministry starts up.  But you had better watch out.  Just like happened 2,000 years ago, you just might not recognize Christianity 2.0 or Judaism 3.0 or whatever you want to call it, even as it is damning you to an infernal eternity in the Lake of Boredom.  And you will probably just kill me.  And the difference is that when I come back as a zombie with my army of zombies, we will eat your fucking brains and draw goddamn comics about it.

The time draws nigh.  Yes, nigh.

Anyway, here is a preview of the kind of dogma you can expect from Stoogepiety™: Forget all that other bullshit.  You are meat.  Get used to it.  Thanks for playing.

And here is my very first prophesy: the world will not end tomorrow. 

Stay tuned for miracles.

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My Brand New Computer

So, I spent a week building a computer from parts.  My old computer just stopped working right so I bought, first, a screaming new graphics card and, second, a more powerful power supply to fuel the screaming graphics card.  That didn’t help, so I said, “Fuck it.  I’ll buy a motherboard, a microprocessor, some RAM, and assorted other expensive shit to make a brand new computer.” I was drunk when I said that.

And then I spent a whole week putting it together.  A.  Whole.  Week!  I did not go out to eat for that week.  I did not go to any clubs or get laid for that week.  I did watch some TV, but mostly out of frustration.  Every day after work I would come home to the $2,000+ brick sitting on my desk in pieces.  Then I would spend all night trying to get the fucking computer running by applying the new shit I had learned from the internet at my job while I had been pretending to work and to be a Good Noodle.  Yes, I drank during this time, but it was not pleasant drinking.  It was why-the-fuck-isn’t-this-piece-of-shit-working? drinking.  And I also engaged in many of the other mind-altering activities I frequently undertake—among many others, these include drinking coffee, eating cake, and watching Sunday morning television.  These did not help either.

It turned out finally that the motherboard was not sending enough power to the memory chips.  Maybe that sounds like an easy thing to discover to you, but it took me a whole fucking week.  While I readily admit that I am stoopider than you are, that does not mean that I have a week of my life to spare on shit like this without getting laid or, at least, a blowjob.  I am getting old too quickly to waste a week of my life.

Here is how old I am getting: the other day, I went to the supermarket to buy sugar.  Usually I do not buy sugar or anything else from the supermarket.  I had not been to a supermarket in about a year.  I go to bodegas to buy everything I really need, like toilet tissue.  But hell, in a pinch I will wipe my ass with ATM receipts. 

I go to Starbucks everyday to get coffee while I am at work, so why the fuck would I need sugar?  Yes, I do make coffee every morning, but I steal Splenda from Starbucks for my morning coffee.  Now, holed up in my fucking study putting together my goddamn computer, I could not go to Starbucks.  I had to make coffee so I could stay up all night and work on the computer.  So I ran out of stolen Splenda.  And Splenda is too goddamn expensive for me to buy when I can just steal it for free, so I had to go out and buy some sugar to get me through a week or more of putting a computer together.

Now I know I live in the middle of the glorious island of Manhattan in New York City where everything is expensive.  For instance, on Tuesday cigarettes went up to $9.00 a pack here.  I am convinced that New York City wants for me to smoke more weed.  I mean, think about it: many people who work at shitty mcjobs — like many jobs that I have had in the past, but that is a topic for a different entry — do not earn enough money during an hour of the precious time they have on this planet to buy a fucking pack of cigarettes!  That’s an hour of their life gone, and they do not even make enough to buy fucking cigarettes in New York City.

But, still, at my local supermarket, the fucking sugar was six bucks for a five-pound bag.  And that was only because it was on sale.  It was regularly $7.50.  $7.50!  That just pissed me off.

That is the first sign that I am getting old.  In my age-addled brain, I said to myself, “When I was a kid, you could buy twenty pounds of freshly ground sugar for a dime and there was a toy inside every bag!” See, when you think that the price of any food item is so fucking outrageous that it makes you angry, you are getting too fucking old.

The second sign that I am getting old: I was so pissed about the price that, for a moment, I actually considered complaining about the price of the fucking sugar.  You are old when you will complain to someone about the price of food.

So I just bought the sugar without complaining.  But from now on I am going to steal Splenda and sugar from Starbucks. 

I wish I could have just stolen my computer.

Once I figured that shit out about the power to the memory, Windows Vista 64 installed just fine and the system is fucking screaming!  Screaming!  It is much faster than any prebuilt name-brand system I could have stolen.

That’s really all I have to say about my new computer. 

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Mister Shorts Number 5

I would just like to say thanks a lot to Obama for messing up all my plans for Carville’s Angels.  It took me days to make that strip and now I don’t even know how to continue it.  Hopefully, the candidates will be my muse and inspire me.

Anyways, it’s high time for a brand spanking new Mister Shorts.

What will that crazy Mister Shorts do next time?

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Carville’s Angels

It’s been a long time since I posted or even read a blog, and I apologize for that.  My computer went nuts and then I decided that I would build a new computer to replace the old one.  And it really is a sweet computer now that I have it together.  But what a fucking ordeal.  And it wasn’t one bit cheaper in the end than buying a system already made.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the election season a lot as it winds down.  I worked on this comic a little while I was not working on my computer.  I can’t really post a lot of very long comics because they literally take me days and days to do and I just don’t have the time, but here you go.

More very soon.  No more breaks for me!!

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Back Soon!

I’m sorry about the lack of updates but I had a computer meltdown.  So far, I’ve spent a ton of time and quite a bit of money trying to resurrect what was a pretty sweet computer system before this shit.  I bought a new graphics card and replaced the power supply and have optimized everything blah blah blah.  The computer runs now, but it runs like shit.  I mean, loading a web page takes forever.  Photoshop never finishes adding a filter.  Stuff like that.

So, today I went online to The New CompUSA and bought a brand new computer system.  Well, actually, I bought a bunch of parts that, when I add them together with my new graphics card and power supply, will give me a Brand New Computer.  I chose two-day shipping, so it should arrive on Thursday.  In the meantime, I am going to work on a comic and try to post that on Thursday, assuming that I get home from work and manage to put the computer together before, say, 2am.  Or maybe I will even be able to pump out the comic on my halting, shitty computer.

Anyway, this fucking sucks.  I will blog about this some more sometime.

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